How to tell adult son he needs to move out without distancing him or coming across as if we dont car

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand, OP, because you say you sound be fine with restaurant jobs *if only he loved it*. Most people don’t love their jobs. I’d help him start envisioning a future in the field he is in now, hospitality, and go from there. Maybe a jump to something completely different is too daunting right now.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the hard deadline.

Don't have to kick him out, but can say we are going start charging rent when you are 27.

[Anonymous]

My home will remain the family home for my adult children and their family for as long as we have the house. They will always be welcome. However, they are not guests at my house. They are family and as such they are expected to cleanup after themselves, do their own laundry, help with chores etc. the house rules are still there. No dysfunction allowed. And no, they don’t have to pay for groceries, rent etc.

[Anonymous]

Not really sure what the "deadline" folks think that will do. What happens when it passes and nothing happens?

[Anonymous]

OP, is your child working 40 hours a week? Does he have health insurance?

[Anonymous]

I've known a few young men like this, including my brother. His failure to launch seemed to be driven by a combo of anxiety and lack of executive function.

I hate to say it, but in every case I've seen it was only solved by the right girlfriend. They met someone who knew how to coach the guy to figure his ish out. With the girlfriend's coaching, the guy managed to get himself onto a career track. My brother certainly fits this model and is marrying his amazing girlfriend soon. She's fantastic.

Should the girlfriend have to do this? Nope. Absolutely not. Does she end up with a nice and faithful guy in the end? Yup.

[Anonymous]

OP - I think you and DH need to have an adult conversation with your DS and likely a continuing one and set house rules on what he will be expected to be doing as an adult member making clear he not a guest but an adult family member while he takes active action to move on in life. No question that mom is not doing his laundry, preparing meals for him or dad out doing the yard wor, since junior is home and able bodied to do so. It is reasonable to let him know that his access to your car if he does not have one on his own will become more limited if he
does not get a job.

Then in the conversation, you also need to indicate when you will stop paying for any expenses for him if you are covering any except for health insurance and your car insurance for him. You will make little progress in having him move out/move on in his own life if you do not go over his finances and with him and give him a realistic idea of what living on his own in a shared apartment or house would cost. Also, if you are near public transportation, get information on how he would use it to find a job when out on his own. You and DH in supportive way need to be able to express your concern that he might have underlying depression/anxiety and request that he be willing to go for a mental health evaluation starting with your family doctor. If he is unwilling to see a doctor on this topic, it could be a real red flag.

If he is homebound, the one thing I can think of is to let him know that you will purchase a fitness center membership for him for six months so that he would have a place to go daily in reestablishing an up and out routine. If he is physically healthy, then I see no reason not to let him know that as part of the agreement that you will continue to provide room and board that he needs to take steps to be out-of-the house daily doing something - going to the local employment office, working for a temp agency at least 20 hours, volunteering while not being employed full-time because that would at least help to fill a resume, going to the gym. He will make the choices about what he is doing but together you might set some markers on progress on a job. You and DH might also benefit from some professional guidance in knowing how to assist your son from moving on

[Anonymous]

I agree with the previous poster, this feels like it's more than just something you can solve on your own.

Maybe a life coach for him? He's stuck and doesn't know how to get out of his current groove. I doubt he really wants to be living at home with his parents, but it's safe and a known situation.

I'm like some of the other posters, I don't think a deadline is a good idea. What would be better would be to set goals/milestones that he needs to reach and move towards moving out.

[Anonymous]

OP I think this is a hard one because your first instincts were positive one - help out your son and get him back on his feet - but the results are that he has regressed and you are now stuck having to make a hard decision. The reality is that this decision was made back in 2020, and the longer you let it go, the worse it is going to get.

I think you need to set a hard deadline and explain his choices. These could include: 1) Find a group house in DC to rent a room in, then move out by September 2022, 2) Start paying full market value rent for his room starting August first or 3) Accept your help and supervision to develop a plan to get a job and be out by January 1st 2023.

You need to motivate him to commit today. You can't just say you have to move out OR pay rent by September first because that just pushes the buck down the road. You need to point back and say, "You made a choice back in July and had you decided differently you would have owed us $1xxx on August first." When the housing search isnt going great.

Of course options #1 or #2 are preferable, but I believe in giving kids a chance to actually prove they are seriously. There are a lot of reasons our children's generation is struggling to find and maintain the same level of job nowadays, and sometimes you do need to hold their hands and work through it with them. It sounds like you gave him a lot of space so far, but it is time you take a more hands on role. But for this to work your DS needs to actually want a better job, and has to be willing to jump when you say jump without reservations. If he has an interview in Texas the next day, he better be packing his suit and rushing to the airport today with you in tow. And he needs to understand that if he says no, it wont be an argument or a debate, its going to be him still packing his suit and walking out of the house within 24 hours.

You are right, serving tables is a job, and maybe you need to just recognize that this is what he is doing right now. In all honesty, seems like that is what he wants to do right now, so he needs to figure out his situation and start to get back on track. I think your focus on him getting another job is honestly holding him back - it is giving him a narrative that accepts his choice. He has the ability to survive, and potentially even thrive, but as much as you may not want to, you acting like a better job is the only acceptable answer allows him to push back the decision until he finds this mystical perfect job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've known a few young men like this, including my brother. His failure to launch seemed to be driven by a combo of anxiety and lack of executive function.

I hate to say it, but in every case I've seen it was only solved by the right girlfriend. They met someone who knew how to coach the guy to figure his ish out. With the girlfriend's coaching, the guy managed to get himself onto a career track. My brother certainly fits this model and is marrying his amazing girlfriend soon. She's fantastic.

Should the girlfriend have to do this? Nope. Absolutely not. Does she end up with a nice and faithful guy in the end? Yup.

I saw this movie. Failure to Launch. The parents hire a woman to be the girlfriend that does this.

[Anonymous]

My son is in a similar situation (for the last six months, he’s 23) and it gives me anxiety that he will never get on track and I would be facilitating that failure. But then I remind myself that he will only move forward effectively if it is his choice, I can’t make him want something. I want him to WANT independence but it is not independence if it’s my idea, not his. I can’t make him responsible for managing my anxiety about him. He pays rent, he cleans up after himself, he makes his own meals, and leaves the house weekdays 9-4. That’s all I ask.

[Anonymous]

And he gets nothing more from me than the room and basic food. His father pays his health insurance that he can’t get as a part time busboy.

[Anonymous]

I watched a Dr. Phil Show on this very topic years ago. His opinion was to make your home environment less attractive. Think about it—you are permitting no or low rent, free food, WiFi, heat and air conditioning, use of car, and free laundry facilities. Why would he leave?

[Anonymous]

You need to make allowances for the pandemic, but you also need to push him to look ahead. "Not taking a job just so he can move out"? Dude, being able to pay for basics is exactly why people take jobs.

Does he need psychological counseling? Career counseling? I have a BIL who lived with my ILs until they both died. He moved out occasionally, to a rented room or a group house, but the guy eventually earned a master's degree and still never got a full-time, salaried position with benefits. And that would be fine if he had some sort of calling to a field where that wasn't an option, but he only decided in his 40s? 50s? that he would like that sort of job, and his resume makes him look like a Weirdo Adrift, not a valuable member of some team somewhere.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he had a substance abuse problem - restaurants are notorious for drugs and drug abusers. Don't let he go back to working in a restaurant and get him clean.