How to tell adult son he needs to move out without distancing him or coming across as if we dont car

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07/16/2022 16:41

Subject: How to tell adult son he needs to move out without distancing him or coming across as if we dont car

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Anonymous

In March of 2020, my then-24 year old son moved back into our home from a city around 2 hours away. Prior to this, he had been living independantly for the most part since he was 18 and doing pretty well. Got a college degree, was paying his own bills and generally being pretty independent. We had given him a bit of money to help with rent or bills on a few occasions, but we were okay with that because we are comfortable financially and he wasnt begging for money or asking often.

Prior to 2020 he was working in restaurants. We weren't happy with this, primarily b/c he didnt enjoy it and we felt he was a bit hesitent to look for better work, but we generally let our kids make their own decisions. So obviously, when everything was shut down he found himself in a tough situation (at the time we didnt know what help would be coming) so we helped him move back home.

At first, it seemed like it was a great situation. Honestly, we enjoyed having him back and really getting to know him as an adult as he left right at 18 and while he would visit, we weren't close enough geographically that we really saw him more then a few times a year, and honestly, he did help out around the house and with everything going on. He got unemployment, and then the expanding unemployment and the stimulus, and did give us some rent money from those funds (we never really asked for rent money, we are financially comfortable and we wanted to help him out and allow him to get back on his feet). He also seemed to be very motivated to get a job outside of the restaurant industry, he was applying for jobs constantly, getting interviews, etc. In spring of 2021 he got a job in a restaurant, making okay money. We had mixed feelings with this as we felt it was going backwards, but he said he still wanted to keep looking for a better more professional job that would use his degree, but was feeling very discouraged and felt like he needed to start doing something again and try to rebuild. He did also start paying some rent (nowhere near market rate, but we were fine with that).

But ever since then, we feel like he has stopped seriously looking for a job and we have started to argue a lot more, primarily over this. He still says he is looking for a job, but he very clearly isnt taking it seriously or putting in the effort. He has no showed to interviews (always with an excuse) and has been getting more and more anxious when we ask about the job search. A few weekends ago he actually got an interview for an entry level position in the field he has repeatedly said is his goal, but it was in person in Virginia Beach. He went back and forth with their HR, and we offered to let him borrow our car and buy him a hotel room so he could go down there and attend the interview), but he ultimately declined the interview because he didnt think it was fair that the company wouldn't let him interview over zoom (the job would be in person, as are most of the jobs in this field, which he was fine with). This ended in a huge fight because we felt that him turning down this interview just showed that he wasn't serious about looking for other work, especiall;y because this interview was set up based specifically off of a recommendation by a close family friend who consults with the company.

Whenever these arguments come up, he always comes back with the fact that he isn't the only person in this situation and he is trying his best but wont just take a job to get out of our house, if the company wont even consider a virtual interview he doesn't see why he should be expected to shift around his schedule and drop everything for a trip down there. Honestly, in 2020 or even 2021, I would agree that he was hardly the only person stuck in this position, and in fact we knew quite a few people who moved back home to restart their lives and make changes, but at this point the vast majority of his peers seem like they have at least started to rebuild their lives in one way or another. Of four other families we know who were thrown into this situation, three of their adult children have moved back out, gotten into jobs they wanted, and seem to be thriving, and the fourth is still living at home, but is working and rebuilding their life as well.

For us, we would have no problem if he loved working in restaurants and serving tables, so this isn't a 'why wont my son grow up and get a real job' post. Our nephew is a career server, bartender, and chef who has built a wonderful career in - and around - restaurants, so we know that some people are driven to work with food and in hospitality, and that is great. But our son will say in one breath that he hates his job and needs to find other opportunities, and then turn around and in another breath announce he is turning down an opportunity because he doesnt feel like it would go anywhere.

We are fed up, and we feel like, honestly, he is using us and our finances to just coast through life. We dont want to make it a huge argument, but we do want him to move out. He makes enough money to rent a room in a shared group house, and I personally think right now that him living with us is not doing abody any favors - it is just allowing him to postpone and tread water. We will still always be there to help and support him - when needed - but we do need advice from parents who may have gone through this about how to 'kick him out' without damaging our relationship with him?