How to tell adult son he needs to move out without distancing him or coming across as if we dont car

[Anonymous]

Completely different take on this.

Many cultures around the world embrace having family together, even into their adult years. Many times an adult child might only leave the home when they are married or are about to start a family. At 27, he is old enough to be a part of the finances of the home, even if you are "comfortable" financially. Dependent upon your age , there may be a consideration for quality of life, will he be your primary caregiver once you begin to go down hill? I don't think your son is coasting through life, try expanding the perspective and make the most of the situation. Include him on big decisions, start letting him be a part of household management. Could be a blessing in disguise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely different take on this.

Many cultures around the world embrace having family together, even into their adult years. Many times an adult child might only leave the home when they are married or are about to start a family. At 27, he is old enough to be a part of the finances of the home, even if you are "comfortable" financially. Dependent upon your age , there may be a consideration for quality of life, will he be your primary caregiver once you begin to go down hill? I don't think your son is coasting through life, try expanding the perspective and make the most of the situation. Include him on big decisions, start letting him be a part of household management. Could be a blessing in disguise.

Is this how things are done in cultures where adult kids are welcome to stay at home? How does that work?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like mental health issues are emerging. I’ve seen a lot of people who developed paralyzing anxiety since March 2020. Maybe you can help him get a therapist to work with him on his reluctance.

There is also a bit of entitlement that comes through when you discussed the VA Beach job - I’ll only do it on my terms and conditions.

As for what else to do, I’d charge significant rent and use it start saving for moving out.

[Anonymous]

The problem with adult children living in the home is that they regress into behaving like a 14 year old and you start telling them what to do. Whatever you are doing isn’t working. I think he needs outside help from therapy to career counseling. Could you make that a condition of living in your home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with adult children living in the home is that they regress into behaving like a 14 year old and you start telling them what to do. Whatever you are doing isn’t working. I think he needs outside help from therapy to career counseling. Could you make that a condition of living in your home?

I wouldn't put conditions on someone who has anxiety that is keeping him from moving forward in life.

[Anonymous]

Freddie Freeloader leaves end of the month.

[Anonymous]

No conversation is required. Notify him that you will be charging rent of x amount as of August 1. He will move out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Completely different take on this.

Many cultures around the world embrace having family together, even into their adult years. Many times an adult child might only leave the home when they are married or are about to start a family. At 27, he is old enough to be a part of the finances of the home, even if you are "comfortable" financially. Dependent upon your age , there may be a consideration for quality of life, will he be your primary caregiver once you begin to go down hill? I don't think your son is coasting through life, try expanding the perspective and make the most of the situation. Include him on big decisions, start letting him be a part of household management. Could be a blessing in disguise.

I couldn't agree more with this take on the subject.

The kid left the home at 18 and parents barely saw him for 6 years. Then the pandemic hit and now he's having a hard time getting back into the "world". What's new!

Maybe he's also missing some "family" time or the comfort of being at "home" for once.

Culturally, most adult children leave when financially ready or married. Period.

If you have the means, space and a good relationship with your adult children , Is it that bad to let them live at home with you? Why does it bother you so much? Could he find a good job and still be able to stay home?

I left home at 27, got a place with my boyfriend and we've been married for 20yrs.

We discussed finances and boundaries then but getting "kicked out" was never a thing...

[Anonymous]

Turn his bedroom into a nudist room like in Failure to Launch.

[Anonymous]

You need to understand his "why." Why isn't he making moves on the thing he says he wants? Why does he still want to be at home? Etc.

This might be through therapy--family or individual. But I think this is the only way to get to the heart of the matter without damaging the relationship. He needs to feel part of the process.

[Anonymous]

OP I have an adult DD that I've had to push a bit on, and the way I do it is I say,

"Look, I would love to have you live with us, you know that's not the point...it's my job as your parent to help you grow, and living with us is not going to help you grow."

"It's not about the money--come on, you know I'm generous and don't give a crap about giving you x amount of dollars. It's about you learning adulting skills, learning to budget..."

[Anonymous]

^^also yes, you have to give a deadline.

It's better for your son to move out and work at restaurants because money is not the only metric here.

My DD is currently working in another town as a research assistant and probably losing a little money after rent and food. If she were at home she'd be able to bank that money, but she would not be adulting. That kid reverts back to high-school teen whenever she comes home--as do many "kids" no matter what the age.

If you give any person the same people and same territory (house) that they were in when they were at a different stage of life, they tend to revert to those engrained habits.

[Anonymous]

It’s always these same parents that complain when their children don’t call or visit them in their old age. I agree that OP‘s son is taking advantage at mom‘s house, but don’t cry about sitting in a retirement home when you’re “treading water“ in your old age.

[Anonymous]

My DS, 27, moved back home during the pandemic. He has been able to bank most of his grad stipend while completely his degree remotely. It would not have been ok with us if he just moved home and did not progress towards his degree. We had that conversation before agreeing he could move back. He will graduate next summer and already is lining up his next fulltime postdoctoral opportunity. The plan is for him to move out after he graduates to this new location. By allowing him to live with us, we are enabling him to be in on excellent footing to relaunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s always these same parents that complain when their children don’t call or visit them in their old age. I agree that OP‘s son is taking advantage at mom‘s house, but don’t cry about sitting in a retirement home when you’re “treading water“ in your old age.

+1

Don't cry when they don't bring around the grandchildren either...