How to tell adult son he needs to move out without distancing him or coming across as if we dont car

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I watched a Dr. Phil Show on this very topic years ago. His opinion was to make your home environment less attractive. Think about it—you are permitting no or low rent, free food, WiFi, heat and air conditioning, use of car, and free laundry facilities. Why would he leave?

How does one go about making the home less attractive? Refuse to give them the Wi-Fi password?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It sounds as if severe anxiety is at play here, and perhaps other mental health challenges as well. He should really consult a psychiatrist. I have a nephew who lives at home with his father, and has diagnosed anxiety, depression and suicidal tendencies. He's always talking about interviewing, getting jobs, or going back to school, but it never materializes. I hope your son can get the treatment he needs and push through this difficult period.

+1

[Anonymous]

Your post screams that he has anxiety. Help him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s always these same parents that complain when their children don’t call or visit them in their old age. I agree that OP‘s son is taking advantage at mom‘s house, but don’t cry about sitting in a retirement home when you’re “treading water“ in your old age.

+1

Don't cry when they don't bring around the grandchildren either...

So you have to spoil your kids in order to bribe them into liking you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I watched a Dr. Phil Show on this very topic years ago. His opinion was to make your home environment less attractive. Think about it—you are permitting no or low rent, free food, WiFi, heat and air conditioning, use of car, and free laundry facilities. Why would he leave?

How does one go about making the home less attractive? Refuse to give them the Wi-Fi password?

Charge for rent, utilities, wi-fi. Make him do his own laundry, cook his own food. Make your car not available. Assign big house tasks as part of staying there- like painting the entire house, digging up old bushes.

[Anonymous]

He sounds spoiled rotten. Sorry, but he will not take an interview because it is not virtual? Because it is too much effort to travel? Of course he cannot get a job. You get that is how the companies test people right? They do not want to waste time interviewing people who are not willing to step up.

You need to start charging him rent, and have it increase every few months until it is normal rent. And in a year, he needs to be out and fully independent. No help from you financially.

Sit down and explain that the world does not just hand out jobs to people with zero experience. He is going to have to figure out what he wants to do, and jump through hoops to get a job. Once he has done something other than waiting tables, he can always change jobs again.

And if he has changed his mind and wants to wait tables, then he needs to figure out how to survive off that income.

[Anonymous]

Do not make this about getting a job. Let him figure the job thing out on his own.

But you can do things to encourage him to leave your house without actually saying “time to leave”. Say it’s time for him to start paying market rate for rent, utilities, etc. Ramp up over the next 3-6 months, until you get to an amount he would be paying if he wasn’t at home. This will hopefully make him see he needs to move forward towards a career. But if not, it will at least make him decide whether living with his parents vs living with his peers for the same amount of money is worth it.

(PS-save all the money he gives you and give it back to him when he needs a down payment for a house)

[Anonymous]

All the PP’s saying to charge him rent, just curious what you’ll advise when he can’t pay it. Just kick him out? Doesn’t that just take OP to the same place she is in now wrt how to make him leave?

[Anonymous]

He needs to be evaluated for anxiety. Turning down and in person interview is a red flag. Covid pandemic did a lot of damage to the social abilities and mental health of young peoole.

[Anonymous]

Doesn't sound like he dislikes the restaurant job. Sounds like he would dislike any job, but the restaurant one is a better fit- at least he keeps it.

[Anonymous]

I would require that he get some mental health screening, because anxiety is a possibility. If that's not the issue, then you give him a firm deadline a few to several months away. Personally, I'd return all the rent money he paid to you, so he can use that to put down a deposit or whatever, but he has to move out. Refusing to drive to an interview for an in-person job when it wouldn't even cost him anything is absurd. It might ruffle your "nice" relationship, but assuming there's not a real underlying problem, you're enabling him.

Alternatively, start charging market rent and stop letting him use your car, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would require that he get some mental health screening, because anxiety is a possibility. If that's not the issue, then you give him a firm deadline a few to several months away. Personally, I'd return all the rent money he paid to you, so he can use that to put down a deposit or whatever, but he has to move out. Refusing to drive to an interview for an in-person job when it wouldn't even cost him anything is absurd. It might ruffle your "nice" relationship, but assuming there's not a real underlying problem, you're enabling him.

Alternatively, start charging market rent and stop letting him use your car, etc.

Hi OP!

Were you able to get him some mental health assistance? Or , has he moved out?

How’s it going ?

[Anonymous]

Charge him $500 in rent a month.

[Anonymous]

Start by charging rent equivalent to what th current going rate is and tack on utilities.

[Anonymous]

The economy is broken. You can't expect every person to be able to have a decent job. We don't know if you kid got a college degree or a "college degree".

Your child should make an effort and *contribute* their labor to your family or the world. If they do that, pay their bills. If not, that's what you need to focus on.

Don't let the kid freeload.