Reply to How to tell adult son he needs to move out without distancing him or coming across as if we dont car

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[quote=Anonymous]OP I think this is a hard one because your first instincts were positive one - help out your son and get him back on his feet - but the results are that he has regressed and you are now stuck having to make a hard decision. The reality is that this decision was made back in 2020, and the longer you let it go, the worse it is going to get.

I think you need to set a hard deadline and explain his choices. These could include: 1) Find a group house in DC to rent a room in, then move out by September 2022, 2) Start paying full market value rent for his room starting August first or 3) Accept your help and supervision to develop a plan to get a job and be out by January 1st 2023.

You need to motivate him to commit today. You can't just say you have to move out OR pay rent by September first because that just pushes the buck down the road. You need to point back and say, "You made a choice back in July and had you decided differently you would have owed us $1xxx on August first." When the housing search isnt going great.

Of course options #1 or #2 are preferable, but I believe in giving kids a chance to actually prove they are seriously. There are a lot of reasons our children's generation is struggling to find and maintain the same level of job nowadays, and sometimes you do need to hold their hands and work through it with them. It sounds like you gave him a lot of space so far, but it is time you take a more hands on role. But for this to work your DS needs to actually want a better job, and has to be willing to jump when you say jump without reservations. If he has an interview in Texas the next day, he better be packing his suit and rushing to the airport today with you in tow. And he needs to understand that if he says no, it wont be an argument or a debate, its going to be him still packing his suit and walking out of the house within 24 hours.

You are right, serving tables is a job, and maybe you need to just recognize that this is what he is doing right now. In all honesty, seems like that is what he wants to do right now, so he needs to figure out his situation and start to get back on track. I think your focus on him getting another job is honestly holding him back - it is giving him a narrative that accepts his choice. He has the ability to survive, and potentially even thrive, but as much as you may not want to, you acting like a better job is the only acceptable answer allows him to push back the decision until he finds this mystical perfect job.[/quote]

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