Caring for Dying Parent - How Much is Too Much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:24 hour, round-the-clock in home care is $22,500 a month at $32/hr. A nursing home is about $10k. Give him those choices. On his dime. There will probably be falls and cuts and scrapes and eating and toileting issues as he weakens. You will still feel plenty guilty when somebody else has eyes on these things. The in-home care will make lists for you about what to buy for food and physical care and that will be a lot of stuff for you to do, still. My Dad went on hospice (less than six months to live) over nine months ago and he is miserable. He moved to be near us and we just recently moved him into a nursing home. We all have Covid and feel terrible about him being isolated but at least he is clean and fed and warm and dry. Your child needs you more. Your business is crucial and your Dad will not be grateful or understanding as his discomfort increases. I truly feel your regret will be bigger if you let your own life fall apart. He will be okay in a nursing home and that will free the teenagers up a bit to enjoy their own lives without feeling guilty, which they should not.

Oh wow, OP here, and it's not really this choice that we are looking at. He has enough money, we have enough money, but you can't buy someone trustworthy to advocate for you in the hospital and help you make decisions. He won't have anyone in the house with him, so home care is out. It's mostly about driving him to doctor's appts and to the hospital, and sitting there with him. The feeling is that taxis and medical transports and so on are no good and it should be a relative. It's not even about money, except for me, because leaving will mean shutting down my business and ruining my hard-earned reputation.

Oh okay but hospice usually means no more medical appointments. Just relax, get weaker and try to stay comfortable.

[Anonymous]

you can find someone privately for less than 32 per hour. they don't have to be all that "skilled" to babysit a sick person. i see you said that he doesn't want that, but he does not get to dictate what he wants and force you to do it.

10 hours away and you being the main caregiver is not a solution. you can handle all the administrative from afar. i know. i do it.

what kind of money does he have? are you worried about being written out of the will? if not, just do what you can and say no to what you can't do. some feathers will be ruffled. so be it.

my mom has cancer and is living with me at the moment. we have tried to get her to move closer, but she won't. it would make everything easier and her and on us. stubborn old people!

[Anonymous]

also, what type of business do you have? could most of it me done remotely as many jobs these days can?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please forgive me if this sounds harsh.

1. My experience has been that demanding people whose “controllees” get fed up and leave typically find someone else to press into service, and usually pretty rapidly. What would he do if you got sick and could not show up? Whatever it is, that’s what he needs to be doing now.

2. One owes a parent reasonable support and care under whatever are the circumstances. You do not owe them categorical compliance with their whims, caprices, unreasonable demands or even their preferences. You have offered him multiple reasoned alternatives. He has refused them all. In situations like this, people need to cooperate. His refusal to cooperate does not reduce you to indentured servitude.

3. It sounds like you really love and value your father, unfortunately perhaps more than he does you, at least given his present challenges. You are right that you have an obligation to your clients. You are right that you are entitled to keep the business you have worked so hard to develop. Where does the inclination to be (no offense intended) a people pleaser and a doormat come from? It may go way back.

4. I’ve also had the experience where one person steps up to caretaking duties and the others who might share those duties are happy to step aside and let the first person work themselves into the ground. You mentioned a brother. What’s he been doing? You mentioned “teens.” How old are they? Even if they can’t drive they may be able to provide company on medical visits. You mentioned advocacy and coordination. How much of that can be done by Zoom?

You have to do what is right for you, and not be manipulated into destroying your own life to meet someone else’s unreasonable demands. As for your husband, if he’s so adamant about your father’s care, why doesn’t he go step in for you? There are times when the right thing really is to sacrifice and go be the caretaker. There are times when it’s not. I have only what you’ve said to go on but from this end it sounds like your father and others are taking you for a ride, and I’ll bet it’s not the first time.

NP here. Fantastic summary, I'll save your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you move your dad to a hospice facility closer to you? No, I would not shut down my business and relocate.

No, he will not move away from his other children, and also he is not in hospice.

Hire a male CNA (certified nursing assistant) who lives in. We have a family member who had a stroke and his wife did this. This way you don't lose your business and your dad has 24/7 care. It won't cost you any more than what you're paying now

[Anonymous]

I'm confused...why would your stepmom want to divorce your dad when he's actually already dying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you move your dad to a hospice facility closer to you? No, I would not shut down my business and relocate.

No, he will not move away from his other children, and also he is not in hospice.

Hire a male CNA (certified nursing assistant) who lives in. We have a family member who had a stroke and his wife did this. This way you don't lose your business and your dad has 24/7 care. It won't cost you any more than what you're paying now

One person can’t provide 24/7 care.

[Anonymous]

Op - I'm sure you've had experience with boundaries. You're a business owner: determine what you can do, what you can do before becoming resentful and problem solve the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you move your dad to a hospice facility closer to you? No, I would not shut down my business and relocate.

No, he will not move away from his other children, and also he is not in hospice.

Why can't his other children help?

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a good person. You are doing the right thing by inviting your dad to be close to you. If he declines, your responsibilities are to do what you can without harming your livelihood or child. He should pay others to do the rest, plain and simple.

Two things don’t make sense to me though. Your husband wants you to live in a hotel every other week? Is he worried about disinheritance? And why the divorce at this time?

[Anonymous]

You are not really toward the end until he is in hospice. Think long term: what can you, your family and your business sustain for at least several months?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you move your dad to a hospice facility closer to you? No, I would not shut down my business and relocate.

No, he will not move away from his other children, and also he is not in hospice.

When most people think hospice, they often forget about pallative care. You should look into it.

Agreed. After my friends father died she found out that hospice could have been a huge help to him before he was on his "death bed" so to speak. So many treatments, therapies, and services that could have greatly improved his quality of life while he was still living. I didn't even realize hospice care offered this type of support/care.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have a young child and small business? And the plan would be to move away to a hotel for an unspecified amount of time? I don’t see how that is possible.

I had a parent who was ill and required care for 3 years prior to his death. I could not have quit my job and moved away from elementary age kids for an extended period of time. Even just driving back/forth as much as I could, dealing with the elder care attorney, making care arrangements, I feel like I missed out on a ton with my kids during that period.

Sorry, OP. It’s just all difficult choices. My post probably isn’t helping you, but I am hoping you and your family can soon find a workable solution soon. Hugs to you from this internet stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Please forgive me if this sounds harsh.

1. My experience has been that demanding people whose “controllees” get fed up and leave typically find someone else to press into service, and usually pretty rapidly. What would he do if you got sick and could not show up? Whatever it is, that’s what he needs to be doing now.

2. One owes a parent reasonable support and care under whatever are the circumstances. You do not owe them categorical compliance with their whims, caprices, unreasonable demands or even their preferences. You have offered him multiple reasoned alternatives. He has refused them all. In situations like this, people need to cooperate. His refusal to cooperate does not reduce you to indentured servitude.

3. It sounds like you really love and value your father, unfortunately perhaps more than he does you, at least given his present challenges. You are right that you have an obligation to your clients. You are right that you are entitled to keep the business you have worked so hard to develop. Where does the inclination to be (no offense intended) a people pleaser and a doormat come from? It may go way back.

4. I’ve also had the experience where one person steps up to caretaking duties and the others who might share those duties are happy to step aside and let the first person work themselves into the ground. You mentioned a brother. What’s he been doing? You mentioned “teens.” How old are they? Even if they can’t drive they may be able to provide company on medical visits. You mentioned advocacy and coordination. How much of that can be done by Zoom?

You have to do what is right for you, and not be manipulated into destroying your own life to meet someone else’s unreasonable demands. As for your husband, if he’s so adamant about your father’s care, why doesn’t he go step in for you? There are times when the right thing really is to sacrifice and go be the caretaker. There are times when it’s not. I have only what you’ve said to go on but from this end it sounds like your father and others are taking you for a ride, and I’ll bet it’s not the first time.

This is a great summary. OP, you do not have to be manipulated into this, ESPECIALLY if finances are not an issue for your father.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP your dad is being selfish. He either moved near you or he dies there without you. Do not give up your name and business for his selfishness.