Caring for Dying Parent - How Much is Too Much?

[Anonymous]

I would never do that in a million years. You are not wrong for opposing such a drastic move, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Offer again for him to come closer to you. Explain your availablity to go there will becoming more limited.

Already did some time ago - he became very angry and let me know that it's off the table. He's not going anywhere.

In that case my response the next time he wanted me to travel a long distance would be "too bad, so sad".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry OP, this is very hard. I lost my mom to cancer last year, your dad will need someone close by to care for him now that it's getting closer to the end. If the doctors are telling you it's close to the end, it really is no more than 2-3 months.

If you can find someone to run your business, do it. If your brother can WFH, he should also move closer to dad, you shouldn't be alone.

Having been through this too… talk to your brother and see what is feasible. Could you do 1 week, him 1 week and then hire out a week?

Also ask the palliative care team. They might have ideas. I’ve found palliative and hospice workers to be universally kind and helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think about when he's dead - will you be happy about how you handled things?

I mean, I've heard people say "I'd give anything for one more day with my [dead relative]" but I've never heard anyone say "I wish I'd spent more time working."

You can build a business. You can't get time back with a relative.

+2

This is terrible advice. I can't imagine a good parent would want their child to leave their own family and close their business to take care of them indefinitely, especially if the option of moving closer to OP has been refused.

OP, why isn't he in hospice?

[Anonymous]

Why do you have to stay in a hotel? I can't imagine letting my kids lose their business and incur significant costs due to my stubbornness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:24 hour, round-the-clock in home care is $22,500 a month at $32/hr. A nursing home is about $10k. Give him those choices. On his dime. There will probably be falls and cuts and scrapes and eating and toileting issues as he weakens. You will still feel plenty guilty when somebody else has eyes on these things. The in-home care will make lists for you about what to buy for food and physical care and that will be a lot of stuff for you to do, still. My Dad went on hospice (less than six months to live) over nine months ago and he is miserable. He moved to be near us and we just recently moved him into a nursing home. We all have Covid and feel terrible about him being isolated but at least he is clean and fed and warm and dry. Your child needs you more. Your business is crucial and your Dad will not be grateful or understanding as his discomfort increases. I truly feel your regret will be bigger if you let your own life fall apart. He will be okay in a nursing home and that will free the teenagers up a bit to enjoy their own lives without feeling guilty, which they should not.

12:04 here. It's not just about who takes care of his physical needs, i have two other siblings that came to stay for weeks at a time and we still hired in home care. There is a lot of coordination and admin work. But most importantly it is about supporting him through the process and have him die with dignity. Right now he is dying alone, that's awful, abandoned by his wife and, i presume, mother of his teens. I assume he does not want to move because he wants to see his teens. Awful situation all around. OP don't listen to anyone, do for him the best you can do considering everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think about when he's dead - will you be happy about how you handled things?

I mean, I've heard people say "I'd give anything for one more day with my [dead relative]" but I've never heard anyone say "I wish I'd spent more time working."

You can build a business. You can't get time back with a relative.

+2

-1

You're assuming the OP's father is someone he probably isn't. Rarely are the people we'd "give anything for one more day with" are as selfish as he sounds. I'd give up quite a bit for one more day with my grandparents, and they never in a million years would have asked from me what the OP's father is asking from her. Never.

OP, I'm 11:23. I would ignore what your soon to be ex stepmother thinks, personally. She just doesn't want to feel any responsibility to care for him. Why does your husband think you should give everything up to be with your father? It's an extreme position, especially since it also means leaving your own children behind indefinitely. Most parents wouldn't want their children to do that.

Ultimately, it's your call. I do think you and your brother are the ones whose opinions matter most in this particular case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:24 hour, round-the-clock in home care is $22,500 a month at $32/hr. A nursing home is about $10k. Give him those choices. On his dime. There will probably be falls and cuts and scrapes and eating and toileting issues as he weakens. You will still feel plenty guilty when somebody else has eyes on these things. The in-home care will make lists for you about what to buy for food and physical care and that will be a lot of stuff for you to do, still. My Dad went on hospice (less than six months to live) over nine months ago and he is miserable. He moved to be near us and we just recently moved him into a nursing home. We all have Covid and feel terrible about him being isolated but at least he is clean and fed and warm and dry. Your child needs you more. Your business is crucial and your Dad will not be grateful or understanding as his discomfort increases. I truly feel your regret will be bigger if you let your own life fall apart. He will be okay in a nursing home and that will free the teenagers up a bit to enjoy their own lives without feeling guilty, which they should not.

Oh wow, OP here, and it's not really this choice that we are looking at. He has enough money, we have enough money, but you can't buy someone trustworthy to advocate for you in the hospital and help you make decisions. He won't have anyone in the house with him, so home care is out. It's mostly about driving him to doctor's appts and to the hospital, and sitting there with him. The feeling is that taxis and medical transports and so on are no good and it should be a relative. It's not even about money, except for me, because leaving will mean shutting down my business and ruining my hard-earned reputation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have to stay in a hotel? I can't imagine letting my kids lose their business and incur significant costs due to my stubbornness.

My dad doesn't want that either. Hotel because of unrelated situation that isn't worth going into. It's other people in the family pressuring me, mostly my husband, which is horrible.

[Anonymous]

He needs to move to you or pay for help. You moving to a hotel is absurd.

[Anonymous]

Well OP it sounds like you think you have to go and the care is becoming more and more frequent. Maybe you can schedule your trip and split time with your brother. If your brother can not do that it will be up to your father to figure stuff out when you are not there.

Do what you can(that is reasonably) and live your life. Let the guilt go. Your father could make it easier on you but he has chosen a different path. The guilt will alway be there no matter how much you do.

[Anonymous]

Please forgive me if this sounds harsh.

1. My experience has been that demanding people whose “controllees” get fed up and leave typically find someone else to press into service, and usually pretty rapidly. What would he do if you got sick and could not show up? Whatever it is, that’s what he needs to be doing now.

2. One owes a parent reasonable support and care under whatever are the circumstances. You do not owe them categorical compliance with their whims, caprices, unreasonable demands or even their preferences. You have offered him multiple reasoned alternatives. He has refused them all. In situations like this, people need to cooperate. His refusal to cooperate does not reduce you to indentured servitude.

3. It sounds like you really love and value your father, unfortunately perhaps more than he does you, at least given his present challenges. You are right that you have an obligation to your clients. You are right that you are entitled to keep the business you have worked so hard to develop. Where does the inclination to be (no offense intended) a people pleaser and a doormat come from? It may go way back.

4. I’ve also had the experience where one person steps up to caretaking duties and the others who might share those duties are happy to step aside and let the first person work themselves into the ground. You mentioned a brother. What’s he been doing? You mentioned “teens.” How old are they? Even if they can’t drive they may be able to provide company on medical visits. You mentioned advocacy and coordination. How much of that can be done by Zoom?

You have to do what is right for you, and not be manipulated into destroying your own life to meet someone else’s unreasonable demands. As for your husband, if he’s so adamant about your father’s care, why doesn’t he go step in for you? There are times when the right thing really is to sacrifice and go be the caretaker. There are times when it’s not. I have only what you’ve said to go on but from this end it sounds like your father and others are taking you for a ride, and I’ll bet it’s not the first time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do what you can(that is reasonably) and live your life. Let the guilt go. Your father could make it easier on you but he has chosen a different path. The guilt will alway be there no matter how much you do.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you have to stay in a hotel? I can't imagine letting my kids lose their business and incur significant costs due to my stubbornness.

My dad doesn't want that either. Hotel because of unrelated situation that isn't worth going into. It's other people in the family pressuring me, mostly my husband, which is horrible.

Does your husband have another agenda here? Is your marriage in trouble for other reasons?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think about when he's dead - will you be happy about how you handled things?

I mean, I've heard people say "I'd give anything for one more day with my [dead relative]" but I've never heard anyone say "I wish I'd spent more time working."

You can build a business. You can't get time back with a relative.

+3

Focus on regret minimization and your relationship with your dad and block out all the noise like your stepmother. How will your 10 years older self feel about how you handled your father's end of life? We can't answer that for you because we don't know your history with your father. You also have a husband and child to think about, and what a blessing that your husband is willing to support you if you do leave to care for your dad (not saying that is the right move, but it's a huge plus). Another plus is that you are setting an example for your child on how to treat her parents if/when they get sick someday. Good luck.