Caring for Dying Parent - How Much is Too Much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not really toward the end until he is in hospice. Think long term: what can you, your family and your business sustain for at least several months?

Lots of people wait too long to call hospice. My uncle had his first hospice appointment the day he died of cancer.

OP, hospice can be a huge resource. Meet with them and see what options they have. They're experts at this.

Hospice is a great resource but people delay it because it’s admitting the end. In hospice you stop treatments and focus on making the person comfortable. That’s a hard place to be with a loved one.

[Anonymous]

Call hospice or have him admitted to a nursing home that takes Medicare.

[Anonymous]

Even if someone were to enter hospice care, then can end up leaving it and going on to live a longer time and re-entering it sometime in the future. In other words, you could have a very long road ahead.

The next time he calls, don't go. Amazingly someone else will step in. The might be pissed but it will get done. You are not his only child. His care doesn't hinge on just you.

[Anonymous]

where is the OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think about when he's dead - will you be happy about how you handled things?

I mean, I've heard people say "I'd give anything for one more day with my [dead relative]" but I've never heard anyone say "I wish I'd spent more time working."

You can build a business. You can't get time back with a relative.

I don't know I think a lot of people regret how much they sacrificed for elderly parents. Go on the eldercare board and read the posts. OP, think about your kid. Would you want her to lose time with her own kids and possibly lose a business she built to spend time without the you when you are dying? It is ok to just visit for a few days once a month or so. Just do enough so you don't feel guilty and remember you don't owe your stepmom anything.

[Anonymous]

I would never want my kids to lose their business or families because I’m too stubborn to agree to care. I think you lay it out to him that you have been willing to take these huge financial hits to your livelihood but it’s becoming unsustainable. Remind him that the people there are not going to be his caregivers. You will continue to extend yourself but as he needs more care he’ll either need to fund it himself there or come to you because you can’t bankrupt yourself or lose your business. Don’t feel bad - that’s beyond an acceptable ask.

[Anonymous]

I can’t fathom what your DH is thinking. There must be more to that story? He is way out of line and you need to draw a hard boundary with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never do that in a million years. You are not wrong for opposing such a drastic move, OP.

This. Was just talking about this scenario with Dan last night. My mom is generally a typical selfish boomer. When my dad was dying of cancer, and they were 10 hours away and I had a 1 and 4 year olds d no childcare, I felt so guilty that I didn’t just drop everything and go be with him for weeks at the end. My mom told me (and this was a huge gift) that my dad understood. He had small kids and remembers what it was like. Your father won’t leave his younger kids, why should you? You shouldn’t. And you definitely shouldn’t sacrifice your business. I’m so sorry that is a sucky situation for everyone. Your dad needs to hire care. You CANNOT be his caregiver. You can go for two night or so every few weeks and say your goodbyes. That’s reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused...why would your stepmom want to divorce your dad when he's actually already dying?

This. so, are those teenage children hers? If not, why is she not belong to care for your father for them at least?

She should be pulling her weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never do that in a million years. You are not wrong for opposing such a drastic move, OP.

This. Was just talking about this scenario with Dan last night. My mom is generally a typical selfish boomer. When my dad was dying of cancer, and they were 10 hours away and I had a 1 and 4 year olds d no childcare, I felt so guilty that I didn’t just drop everything and go be with him for weeks at the end. My mom told me (and this was a huge gift) that my dad understood. He had small kids and remembers what it was like. Your father won’t leave his younger kids, why should you? You shouldn’t. And you definitely shouldn’t sacrifice your business. I’m so sorry that is a sucky situation for everyone. Your dad needs to hire care. You CANNOT be his caregiver. You can go for two night or so every few weeks and say your goodbyes. That’s reasonable.

This poster nails it

He won't move away from his kids, why should you spend a lot of time apart from your much younger ones

[Anonymous]

Please do not allow others to guilt trip you into a wholly unreasonable situation. It's not reasonable to (essentially) quit your job, leave your children and go live in a hotel for an undetermined amount of time to care for someone, even a parent.

[Anonymous]

OP here. So the situation took a turn to where it was clear the end was near. I dropped everything and went up and sat in the hospital 12 hours a day (split shifts with sibling bc dad didn't want to be alone) for, I dunno, since I first posted, I guess. Up until his last breath.

It was very expensive, but ultimately the business will survive it and I'll recover. After dad passed I got dragged into a toxic family situation over last wishes and inheritances, and when it got really bad I just got in my car and came home and cut the whole thing loose. I am happy with what I did for dad and left with my dignity and conscience intact. Can't say the same for all family members, and I'm skipping the funeral, but after making it all about dad all week, I'm looking out for myself now.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, OP. You are an amazing daughter who was there for your dad. Taking care of yourself now is definitely the right move.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. I am glad you are at peace with your decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think about when he's dead - will you be happy about how you handled things?

I mean, I've heard people say "I'd give anything for one more day with my [dead relative]" but I've never heard anyone say "I wish I'd spent more time working."

You can build a business. You can't get time back with a relative.

This seems like a crock of manipulative BS. The OP’s father is a jerk, and the OP likes her business. She can’t just dump her father on the sidewalk, but of course she’d rather have a solvent business than spend more time with the guy. .