Reply to Caring for Dying Parent - How Much is Too Much?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Please forgive me if this sounds harsh.

1. My experience has been that demanding people whose “controllees” get fed up and leave typically find someone else to press into service, and usually pretty rapidly.  What would he do if you got sick and could not show up?  Whatever it is, that’s what he needs to be doing now.

2. One owes a parent reasonable support and care under whatever are the circumstances. You do not owe them categorical compliance with their whims, caprices, unreasonable demands or even their preferences. You have offered him multiple reasoned alternatives. He has refused them all. In situations like this, people need to cooperate. His refusal to cooperate does not reduce you to indentured servitude.

3. It sounds like you really love and value your father, unfortunately perhaps more than he does you, at least given his present challenges. You are right that you have an obligation to your clients. You are right that you are entitled to keep the business you have worked so hard to develop. Where does the inclination to be (no offense intended) a people pleaser and a doormat come from?  It may go way back.

4. I’ve also had the experience where one person steps up to caretaking duties and the others who might share those duties are happy to step aside and let the first person work themselves into the ground. You mentioned a brother. What’s he been doing?  You mentioned “teens.”  How old are they?  Even if they can’t drive they may be able to provide company on medical visits. You mentioned advocacy and coordination. How much of that can be done by Zoom?

You have to do what is right for you, and not be manipulated into destroying your own life to meet someone else’s unreasonable demands. As for your husband, if he’s so adamant about your father’s care, why doesn’t he go step in for you?  There are times when the right thing really is to sacrifice and go be the caretaker. There are times when it’s not. I have only what you’ve said to go on but from this end it sounds like your father and others are taking you for a ride, and I’ll bet it’s not the first time. [/quote]

NP here. Fantastic summary, I'll save your post.[/quote]

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