Caring for Dying Parent - How Much is Too Much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think about when he's dead - will you be happy about how you handled things?

I mean, I've heard people say "I'd give anything for one more day with my [dead relative]" but I've never heard anyone say "I wish I'd spent more time working."

You can build a business. You can't get time back with a relative.

This person, your husband, etc are all over-stepping with the guilt trips. I have heard people express regret they did in their own health/sanity/job for a dying parent. It's just taboo to say it out loud so you just say it to safe people. Ignore the guilt trippers on here and do what feels best for your sanity. It's not all or nothing. Sometimes a month or 2 to live turns into 6 months to a year. You have a right to be alive-fully and keep and your business alive. Your fad had a complete life cycle. You can share your love and say your goodbyes your way. Ignore the people trying to tell you there is a right and a wrong here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP your dad is being selfish. He either moved near you or he dies there without you. Do not give up your name and business for his selfishness.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think about when he's dead - will you be happy about how you handled things?

I mean, I've heard people say "I'd give anything for one more day with my [dead relative]" but I've never heard anyone say "I wish I'd spent more time working."

You can build a business. You can't get time back with a relative.

+2

-1

You're assuming the OP's father is someone he probably isn't. Rarely are the people we'd "give anything for one more day with" are as selfish as he sounds. I'd give up quite a bit for one more day with my grandparents, and they never in a million years would have asked from me what the OP's father is asking from her. Never.

OP, I'm 11:23. I would ignore what your soon to be ex stepmother thinks, personally. She just doesn't want to feel any responsibility to care for him. Why does your husband think you should give everything up to be with your father? It's an extreme position, especially since it also means leaving your own children behind indefinitely. Most parents wouldn't want their children to do that.

Ultimately, it's your call. I do think you and your brother are the ones whose opinions matter most in this particular case.

Since they are still married, Dad is ultimately her responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP your dad is being selfish. He either moved near you or he dies there without you. Do not give up your name and business for his selfishness.

+100

+1000 to pile on.

Do not sacrifice your children’s figure when he won’t bend at all.

[Anonymous]

3 or 4 people are needed for 24 hour care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 or 4 people are needed for 24 hour care.

You can pay way less than $32, but if you go with a service you never have to worry about flakers quitting last minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 or 4 people are needed for 24 hour care.

This is not true. Agencies will staff 12 hour shifts, 2 people a day. Alternatively if OP's Dad isn't to the point where he needs help in the middle of the night, they can have someone come in for a shift of 9 am - 9 pm and just have one or two consistent people.

OP can be called in for all doctor's appointments to advocate from afar. You can be involved without being there 24/7 and uprooting your life, family and business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think about when he's dead - will you be happy about how you handled things?

I mean, I've heard people say "I'd give anything for one more day with my [dead relative]" but I've never heard anyone say "I wish I'd spent more time working."

You can build a business. You can't get time back with a relative.

But you also can’t get back that time with your own young children/ nuclear family…leaving them for weeks or even months on end to move in with an aging parent (because their actual spouse who has vowed to care for them in sickness or in health is unwilling to do so) is very different then just taking time away from the office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So I feel guilty and awful. Am I being a bad daughter? Would you drop everything and go?

No. You are not a bad daughter. You are no worse a daughter than he is a father. You are no worse than your stepmom or brother or your teen step-siblings.

I'm sick of people suggesting that women always handle this work. Where are the brothers, sons, husbands? Can you imagine people telling your brother to quit his job for his father?

OP - you could be just as angry at your dad's wife, so don't let her pull rank. I don't know why your DH would be so insistent.

I'm in a similar position, and guess what - your dad has agency and he's made his choice: not to move. You have agency and can decide to move, or not move. Has he asked you to move? If he hasn't, why would you even consider it? Maybe he doesn't want that. Listen, I know how easy it is to jump and try to fix things when you're used to it (raises hand) but sometimes when you get perspective you realize that you can't fix everything here. It's a bad situation, and he's got some responsibility for it. I mean his wife is leaving him when he's dying, and that was his choice to marry her. You have to accept the reality of situation, as does everyone else.

Ask your dad what he wants to do, and then you can go from there. Don't let anyone guilt you, and do not guilt yourself. Just grieve and be mad at the situation; don't use guilt to avoid those other emotions. No one can make you feel guilty by yourself.

I'm rooting for you, and am writing all of this for myself too.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why your husband is not supporting you in your professional endeavors. It feels like subtle sabotage, like he wants to keep you dependent on him, in case you ever think of divorce, or something. Creepy.

I second what most posters have already said: your father is being unreasonable. Serious illness can make decent people unreasonable, and make previously unreasonable people become downright nasty! Perhaps that's why his wife is leaving him. There are unfortunately quite a lot of divorced during severe illness. The other reason is financial, of course, when one partner wishes to preserve a business from being liable for the spouse's medical treatments (this happened to an acquaintance of mine).

Also, please don't ask his teens to help much. They're already living with an unreasonable person, and worrying about what's going to happen soon. So don't put more burden on them that they already have.

Your father is going to sing a different tune when he really needs help. All you need to do is wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not really toward the end until he is in hospice. Think long term: what can you, your family and your business sustain for at least several months?

Lots of people wait too long to call hospice. My uncle had his first hospice appointment the day he died of cancer.

OP, hospice can be a huge resource. Meet with them and see what options they have. They're experts at this.

[Anonymous]

Be cautious of the divorcing spouse. My uncle died of cancer while estranged from his wife. He died at home and after we went to his favorite bar to reminisce. While we were gone she changed the locks on his house even though she hadn't lived there in 3 years and hadn't spoken to him in months. His kids had been planning to gather there that weekend with loved ones. They'd been planning to take some childhood photos (from before he married their step mother) and other sentimental items from their old rooms. She never let any of his family back in the house and refused to share any items with his kids. It was a huge mess and compounded the feeling of loss.

If she's still married to him, she has more rights than you. Take possession of anything important to you now while he still has the ability to consent.

[Anonymous]

Do they have a signed Separation Agreement? Hope so, as STBX should not be rewarded for her jumping ship. In any case get hospice involved ASAP. Great resource for care and planning in general.

[Anonymous]

I definitely know people who will tell you in confidence that they gave up too much to look after a parent.

There is no way I would sacrifice my business and months with my children. That is not a reasonable request. Nor would my parents ever have expected that of me. It is unconscionable.

[Anonymous]

What exactly do you need to do for him?

It sounds like he is still self sufficient since he doesn’t need a home aid.

That is absolutely ridiculous that you are staying in a hotel and not with him at his house.

Why can’t his teenage children or driver take him or help him?

My dad is in such poor condition that he can’t walk to the restroom anymore. He has 50 hours of homecare plus my mom and my brother. They call a driver to take them to appointments. My mom goes to the appointments with my dad but can’t drive herself.