Caring for Dying Parent - How Much is Too Much?

[Anonymous]

My dad has been battling cancer for about a year now. He lives 10 hours away. Over the past year I've had to drop everything and drive up to care for him or deal with medical issues and doctors several time. Usually I stay for a week or so and then come home, because I have a child and I am a small business owner. Every time I go there, I lose thousands in business and pay thousands more in hotel fees. I offered for my dad to come live with me here, or someplace nearby, but he refused. He has other children and a second (separated) wife where he is now, and doesn't want to leave them.

We are getting towards the end (I think - doctors can't really say), and the trips have become more frequent. My stepmother (who is currently divorcing him) doesn't want to be involved very much in his care, and is angry with me for not doing more. His other children are teenagers and don't seem able to do much. I have a brother who is also far away but who shares the burden with me, but he also has a full-time job and family.

Here's the question - my stepmother and husband both think I should leave my family here and just go live near my dad in a hotel for some undetermined amount of time, abandon my business (it would mean reneging on legal contracts to do work for people who are counting on me and could cause me to go completely out of business), and just take care of him from now until whenever. I want to help my dad, but I don't want to leave my family and give up my business and I honestly don't know how I could afford to do that, no matter what my husband says. I am upset that they think I should do this at all. Thoughts? I feel selfish and lazy for not dropping everything and going there long-term, and for sticking around the past two days (dad needs help again) because I had work to finish on a client contract (the client would have been massively screwed over if I'd left before tomorrow.

So I feel guilty and awful. Am I being a bad daughter? Would you drop everything and go?

[Anonymous]

Can you move your dad to a hospice facility closer to you? No, I would not shut down my business and relocate.

[Anonymous]

Offer again for him to come closer to you. Explain your availablity to go there will becoming more limited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you move your dad to a hospice facility closer to you? No, I would not shut down my business and relocate.

No, he will not move away from his other children, and also he is not in hospice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Offer again for him to come closer to you. Explain your availablity to go there will becoming more limited.

Already did some time ago - he became very angry and let me know that it's off the table. He's not going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. What a lousy situation.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect you to lose your small business, nor for you to live near him indefinitely. In your case, I'd talk to your brother and see what you can both work out together, in terms of trading off care. Tell your father what you can do - that's it. You don't owe him your entire life, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. What a lousy situation.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect you to lose your small business, nor for you to live near him indefinitely. In your case, I'd talk to your brother and see what you can both work out together, in terms of trading off care. Tell your father what you can do - that's it. You don't owe him your entire life, OP.

Thank you, I think he would agree with this. It's more his soon-to-be-ex-wife and my own husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you move your dad to a hospice facility closer to you? No, I would not shut down my business and relocate.

No, he will not move away from his other children, and also he is not in hospice.

When most people think hospice, they often forget about pallative care. You should look into it.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

You may want to move your post to the elder care forum to capture more people in this situation.

It’s tough balancing and there really isn’t a right answer. I wish you well, it will be hard for awhile no matter what you do. Does your dad have any income to hire help? Does he own his home, can he get a reverse mortgage to make his remaining time easier?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP, this is very hard. I lost my mom to cancer last year, your dad will need someone close by to care for him now that it's getting closer to the end. If the doctors are telling you it's close to the end, it really is no more than 2-3 months.

If you can find someone to run your business, do it. If your brother can WFH, he should also move closer to dad, you shouldn't be alone.

[Anonymous]

Think about when he's dead - will you be happy about how you handled things?

I mean, I've heard people say "I'd give anything for one more day with my [dead relative]" but I've never heard anyone say "I wish I'd spent more time working."

You can build a business. You can't get time back with a relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Think about when he's dead - will you be happy about how you handled things?

I mean, I've heard people say "I'd give anything for one more day with my [dead relative]" but I've never heard anyone say "I wish I'd spent more time working."

You can build a business. You can't get time back with a relative.

+2

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, this sounds really hard.

[Anonymous]

24 hour, round-the-clock in home care is $22,500 a month at $32/hr. A nursing home is about $10k. Give him those choices. On his dime. There will probably be falls and cuts and scrapes and eating and toileting issues as he weakens. You will still feel plenty guilty when somebody else has eyes on these things. The in-home care will make lists for you about what to buy for food and physical care and that will be a lot of stuff for you to do, still. My Dad went on hospice (less than six months to live) over nine months ago and he is miserable. He moved to be near us and we just recently moved him into a nursing home. We all have Covid and feel terrible about him being isolated but at least he is clean and fed and warm and dry. Your child needs you more. Your business is crucial and your Dad will not be grateful or understanding as his discomfort increases. I truly feel your regret will be bigger if you let your own life fall apart. He will be okay in a nursing home and that will free the teenagers up a bit to enjoy their own lives without feeling guilty, which they should not.