What do you do with strong feelings of envy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More exposure to the world in all its forms helps a lot. This is akin to life CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), where you learn to distinguish between reality and imagined fears/insecurities as a step towards controlling your emotional response. You just need to read newspapers (real ones, not Fox News) to realize how fortunate some of us have it. You know all the DCUM-poors? The ones whose HHI are $300K and they feel poor? They really do not have an accurate grasp of the data. They are misled by illusions of wealth around them.

+1

I laugh to myself (ok, sometimes out loud) when I see someone being arrogant or snobby, but they are basic - same logo purse as everyone else, same new car, same expensive shoes. So, the only thing about your husband that you blow is his money, and that is supposed to impress me? Get a life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More exposure to the world in all its forms helps a lot. This is akin to life CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), where you learn to distinguish between reality and imagined fears/insecurities as a step towards controlling your emotional response. You just need to read newspapers (real ones, not Fox News) to realize how fortunate some of us have it. You know all the DCUM-poors? The ones whose HHI are $300K and they feel poor? They really do not have an accurate grasp of the data. They are misled by illusions of wealth around them.

+1

I laugh to myself (ok, sometimes out loud) when I see someone being arrogant or snobby, but they are basic - same logo purse as everyone else, same new car, same expensive shoes. So, the only thing about your husband that you blow is his money, and that is supposed to impress me? Get a life!

This. Some of the stuff people are so impressed with themselves about are just basic, lame, something they copied off someone else. It's silly. The only things worth envying are things that require real effort and energy to get, and then I feel like my envy gets undercut by a fundamental understanding that the person earned whatever it is they have that I don't. Like if someone gets a PhD in a fascinating subject and then goes on to have an amazing career, I might envy that but I'll immediately think "well yeah but they had to go to school forever and write and defend a thesis and become an actual expert in their field, so.... I guess they deserve to have that career more than I do." It's just hard to sustain real envy of someone like that.

Sometimes I'll feel resentment of someone who has something cool that they didn't earn, but this isn't really envy. Like I know someone who married a guy who travels a lot for work, and she just travels with him and gets to go all over the world on his miles and stay in nice hotels and spend the days where he is working going to beaches or going shopping or whatever. This sounds AMAZING to me and I have definitely thought about how I wish I could do this. But I don't really envy her -- she's dull as rocks despite all this travel and her husband is a huge oaf and I feel like the opportunity is wasted on them. I wish I had that, but I don't actually want her life. So it doesn't eat me up. I'd still rather be me than this other person, even if she has access to something cool I'd also love to have.

Basically just reframing things. It's not about sitting around thinking about how grateful I am for my life (though I am, I am objectively fortunate in many ways) but reminding myself that just because someone has something I wish I had doesn't mean I actually wish I was that person, or that I'd be willing to do whatever they do to get the thing I want. It keeps me grounded in myself and my choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you there for your kids? >> often not, I have to work and when not working am busy "adulting" (cooking/dishes/cleanup/laundry/groceries/paying bills/doing admin) and can barely do anything with them. They constantly ask for more time and energy than I have to give. They are mostly latchkey and our schedule is inconsistent.

Do you live in a safe and reasonably clean home? >> We live in a small 2BR apartment in a borderline area where we have been victims of property theft and vandalism three times in the last 9 months. Their new bicycles were stolen in the fall and I cannot afford to replace them. My tires were slashed last month and my purse was stolen last week.

Are your kids eating and do you have enough food? >> they are eating, I buy cheaper groceries than before. We seldom eat out anymore. I constantly inform them what things cost now. We avoid eating out with friends now bc it is too expensive, this limits their social lives and mine. We have enough food but I am constantly stressed about the price of groceries and get upset whenever they don't finish their lunch or waste food.

Do they go to school? >> they are intellectually gifted but attend a crappy local public school where there is no gifted program, they have learned very little compared to their friends at better schools and they have zero study habits bc what little work there is is so easy and not challenging or interesting in any way. It is all very superficial and standardized busywork, no depth whatsoever. It is a joke tbh. There has been bullying, and physical attacks, and kids with behavioral problems making class and recess harder for others. Last week there were cops in the school office bc during art class a kid slashed another kid with an xacto knife. A kid was beaten by others with metal lunchboxes bc inciting kid made a racist comment. To attend a better public we would need to move and I cannot afford those neighborhoods. For reference, my kids used to attend the top private school in the state pre-divorce. I also attended a top private school and college. Educationally, they are on a road to nowhere which they do not know.

Have medical and dental care? >> yes, through my ex-spouse. My job is 1099 therefore no benefits.

Do they have friends? >> their friends are, quite frankly, nice but fall into two groups: losers who are on a similarly pointless trajectory or kids of my friends who inhabit and are preparing for a world of privilege my children have no access to. Latter group lives in nice houses in better neighbohoods and attend good schools, are involved in extracurriculars, attend summer camp and go on vacations, host holidays at their homes, all things I expected to do with my own family and grew up doing. These kids refuse to visit our home bc it is too small, no where to play, and not fun. There is a third group that were like the second group but no longer associate with us.

I also think that living in some neighborhoods in DC gives you a very, very skewed perspective of what kind of life kids "deserve." >> I am not living in one of those neighborhoods, obviously.

Kids that have the opportunity to travel and go to sleep away summer camp are highly privileged. >> no doubt, but my kids deserved a 2-parent home, a nice place to live, a stable home life, a good education, a safe neighborhood, and a mother who could focus on them and was mentally healthier. They have none of those things.

This sounds like a lot of self pity. Get a therapist, or read about CBT if you can't afford a therapist, and stop feeling sorry for yourself and your kids. You do have a roof over your head. You are able to feed your children. You do have healthcare. Your kids are bright. You have an education. If you want to play misery poker, there are a lot of immigrant families, like mine, where the parents didn't speak English, had no college education, lived in unsafe neighborhoods, and were barely able to afford groceries. But, they worked really, really hard and had no time for self-pity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same way. In my case, I’m pushing 40 and envious of young, beautiful women. It pisses me off because I know it’s our messed-up culture that values women only while they are young and discards them once they hit 30.

Nothing I’ve tried has stopped it, so instead I flaunt the things I do have. I have more money than them, so I buy nice things they can’t afford. I have children and they don’t, so I make a big deal of being a good, attentive mom. Many are dumb, so I make a show of being much smarter. I have a husband, so I pay extra attention to him in public. Once in awhile I’ll make a comment to put them in their place; for example, I was at a restaurant and a 23 year old waitress in booty shorts kept calling me “sweetie” and “honey”. Eventually I just looked at her, raised an eyebrow, and sarcastically said “sweetie? Really?”

I know it’s petty and that this is 100% on patriarchy and not on those girls. I guess to be fair, I also put men of all ages in their place, too.

You sound awful, and I say that as a 40-something woman with a husband and a kid.

Also, if you can't see how flaunting money, education, your husband, and your kids is actually 100% in service to patriarchy and (I'm guess you're white) white supremacy, then you are nowhere near as clever as you think you are. You are basically bragging that you are better than other women because a man married you, you're fertile, and you have money. Gross, gross, gross.

OP, next time you feel envious, think of PP here and remind yourself "wow, at least I'm not like that."

Never said I was a role model or that I’m 100% in the right. OP asked how handle with extreme envy, and this is what has worked for me.

You are 100% a vile disgusting person and are setting a bad example for your children

I had a similar response to this PP and it is very much rooted in having had someone like this in my past. She was envious of certain aspects of my life and decided to handle it the way PP describes, often going out of her way to draw comparisons between us in order to highlight how she had more or was better in that way. She also would identify things I felt self conscious about and go out of her way to point them out or make jokes about them. It was really disturbing -- basically schoolyard bullying. My only regret was taking longer than it should have to realize what was going on and get away from her.

OP and others who might be reading this, do NOT do this. Don't give into your bitter, vicious, competitive side. It might make you feel good in the short run, but in the long run you get what you give and this will come back on you. It did for the person I'm describing above, for instance.

You have to figure out how to deal with envy within yourself. Putting it on others doesn't solve whatever is going on inside you that is causing the envy. You're just spreading your misery around, making the world a worse place.

I’ve never made comparisons or point out others’ flaws.

I’ve bought a nicer car, nicer clothes, nicer jewelry, go to an excellent hairstylist, pay attention to my husband and my kids while we’re in public instead of looking like a slob and hiding behind a screen. How awful. Occasionally when a young woman tries to get more money out of me by acting cute and dumb I let her know she’s acting like an idiot. It’s a good lesson for her, she won’t get by on looks forever and waiting tables or making lattes isn’t cute once you’re 30.

Men do this kind of thing all the time and no one bats an eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same way. In my case, I’m pushing 40 and envious of young, beautiful women. It pisses me off because I know it’s our messed-up culture that values women only while they are young and discards them once they hit 30.

Nothing I’ve tried has stopped it, so instead I flaunt the things I do have. I have more money than them, so I buy nice things they can’t afford. I have children and they don’t, so I make a big deal of being a good, attentive mom. Many are dumb, so I make a show of being much smarter. I have a husband, so I pay extra attention to him in public. Once in awhile I’ll make a comment to put them in their place; for example, I was at a restaurant and a 23 year old waitress in booty shorts kept calling me “sweetie” and “honey”. Eventually I just looked at her, raised an eyebrow, and sarcastically said “sweetie? Really?”

I know it’s petty and that this is 100% on patriarchy and not on those girls. I guess to be fair, I also put men of all ages in their place, too.

You sound awful, and I say that as a 40-something woman with a husband and a kid.

Also, if you can't see how flaunting money, education, your husband, and your kids is actually 100% in service to patriarchy and (I'm guess you're white) white supremacy, then you are nowhere near as clever as you think you are. You are basically bragging that you are better than other women because a man married you, you're fertile, and you have money. Gross, gross, gross.

OP, next time you feel envious, think of PP here and remind yourself "wow, at least I'm not like that."

Never said I was a role model or that I’m 100% in the right. OP asked how handle with extreme envy, and this is what has worked for me.

You are 100% a vile disgusting person and are setting a bad example for your children

I had a similar response to this PP and it is very much rooted in having had someone like this in my past. She was envious of certain aspects of my life and decided to handle it the way PP describes, often going out of her way to draw comparisons between us in order to highlight how she had more or was better in that way. She also would identify things I felt self conscious about and go out of her way to point them out or make jokes about them. It was really disturbing -- basically schoolyard bullying. My only regret was taking longer than it should have to realize what was going on and get away from her.

OP and others who might be reading this, do NOT do this. Don't give into your bitter, vicious, competitive side. It might make you feel good in the short run, but in the long run you get what you give and this will come back on you. It did for the person I'm describing above, for instance.

You have to figure out how to deal with envy within yourself. Putting it on others doesn't solve whatever is going on inside you that is causing the envy. You're just spreading your misery around, making the world a worse place.

I’ve never made comparisons or point out others’ flaws.

I’ve bought a nicer car, nicer clothes, nicer jewelry, go to an excellent hairstylist, pay attention to my husband and my kids while we’re in public instead of looking like a slob and hiding behind a screen. How awful. Occasionally when a young woman tries to get more money out of me by acting cute and dumb I let her know she’s acting like an idiot. It’s a good lesson for her, she won’t get by on looks forever and waiting tables or making lattes isn’t cute once you’re 30.

Men do this kind of thing all the time and no one bats an eye.

Wait, are you still talking about waitresses? So when you have a pretty young waitress and she “acts cute” as part of her job, you call her out because you think she’s trying to milk you for a bigger tip? Which, if she is, makes sense since you are out there flaunting how rich you are.

Honestly you sound awful and I’m guessing the service staff you abuse sees through it pretty quick and laughs at the insecure, nightmare rich lady at Table 11 after you leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I analyze what I am envious about and why. Then if it something I truly want (as opposed to an underlying issue) I map out the goals and path to get it.

For example: used to be deeply envious of a friend’s life. In reality, I was unhappy with my marriage and life path. So I divorced my x, changed my graduate program, and set the goals to make it to a life I wanted.

Another example: was jealous of my friends who were working. I started planning my re-entry into the workforce.

This is my approach. Envy is nothing more than a map of what you want

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same way. In my case, I’m pushing 40 and envious of young, beautiful women. It pisses me off because I know it’s our messed-up culture that values women only while they are young and discards them once they hit 30.

Nothing I’ve tried has stopped it, so instead I flaunt the things I do have. I have more money than them, so I buy nice things they can’t afford. I have children and they don’t, so I make a big deal of being a good, attentive mom. Many are dumb, so I make a show of being much smarter. I have a husband, so I pay extra attention to him in public. Once in awhile I’ll make a comment to put them in their place; for example, I was at a restaurant and a 23 year old waitress in booty shorts kept calling me “sweetie” and “honey”. Eventually I just looked at her, raised an eyebrow, and sarcastically said “sweetie? Really?”

I know it’s petty and that this is 100% on patriarchy and not on those girls. I guess to be fair, I also put men of all ages in their place, too.

You sound awful, and I say that as a 40-something woman with a husband and a kid.

Also, if you can't see how flaunting money, education, your husband, and your kids is actually 100% in service to patriarchy and (I'm guess you're white) white supremacy, then you are nowhere near as clever as you think you are. You are basically bragging that you are better than other women because a man married you, you're fertile, and you have money. Gross, gross, gross.

OP, next time you feel envious, think of PP here and remind yourself "wow, at least I'm not like that."

Never said I was a role model or that I’m 100% in the right. OP asked how handle with extreme envy, and this is what has worked for me.

You are 100% a vile disgusting person and are setting a bad example for your children

I had a similar response to this PP and it is very much rooted in having had someone like this in my past. She was envious of certain aspects of my life and decided to handle it the way PP describes, often going out of her way to draw comparisons between us in order to highlight how she had more or was better in that way. She also would identify things I felt self conscious about and go out of her way to point them out or make jokes about them. It was really disturbing -- basically schoolyard bullying. My only regret was taking longer than it should have to realize what was going on and get away from her.

OP and others who might be reading this, do NOT do this. Don't give into your bitter, vicious, competitive side. It might make you feel good in the short run, but in the long run you get what you give and this will come back on you. It did for the person I'm describing above, for instance.

You have to figure out how to deal with envy within yourself. Putting it on others doesn't solve whatever is going on inside you that is causing the envy. You're just spreading your misery around, making the world a worse place.

I’ve never made comparisons or point out others’ flaws.

I’ve bought a nicer car, nicer clothes, nicer jewelry, go to an excellent hairstylist, pay attention to my husband and my kids while we’re in public instead of looking like a slob and hiding behind a screen. How awful. Occasionally when a young woman tries to get more money out of me by acting cute and dumb I let her know she’s acting like an idiot. It’s a good lesson for her, she won’t get by on looks forever and waiting tables or making lattes isn’t cute once you’re 30.

Men do this kind of thing all the time and no one bats an eye.

Wait, are you still talking about waitresses? So when you have a pretty young waitress and she “acts cute” as part of her job, you call her out because you think she’s trying to milk you for a bigger tip? Which, if she is, makes sense since you are out there flaunting how rich you are.

Honestly you sound awful and I’m guessing the service staff you abuse sees through it pretty quick and laughs at the insecure, nightmare rich lady at Table 11 after you leave.

100% they are laughing their asses off at the sad middle aged Karen who seems petty and pathetic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My life, finances and career were basically ruined by a disastrous marriage. They will never recover. I'm now middle aged and alone as a single parent. It is a life I dislike and never wanted. I am the pity of all my better-off (by orders of magnitude) friends and family who are all nice enough but clearly consider me a "there but for the grace of god" situation. My life is a constant humiliation and living it is painful. I work FT and get by but my kids lives are measurably worse than mine was growing up in every way. I envy everyone who had better marriages and consequently better adult lives. My early life was good and that is what I got in this world, my good fortune was frontloaded. I am now middle aged and it is over. I don't want to hurt my kids more but I recently found some peace by realizing that eventually my life will end and that if I want to, which I do, later on I can use some of my remaining $ to pay someone to make my death look like an accident. I have felt lighter since realizing this.

Fellow (former) single mom. I have felt a very similar set of feelings (feeling hopeless, like a total failure, like my life is ruined forever, only putting one foot in front of the other for my child…). I just want to send you love and support. Your post made me tear up remembering those times. My life has changed immensely for the better. I know it sounds extremely cheesy and absurd (I’m embarrassed to type this), but what helped me was reading The Secret and The Rules. For me, therapy was cost prohibitive, and I’m not sure how useful it would have been to wallow further in my misery. Please don’t give up hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same way. In my case, I’m pushing 40 and envious of young, beautiful women. It pisses me off because I know it’s our messed-up culture that values women only while they are young and discards them once they hit 30.

Nothing I’ve tried has stopped it, so instead I flaunt the things I do have. I have more money than them, so I buy nice things they can’t afford. I have children and they don’t, so I make a big deal of being a good, attentive mom. Many are dumb, so I make a show of being much smarter. I have a husband, so I pay extra attention to him in public. Once in awhile I’ll make a comment to put them in their place; for example, I was at a restaurant and a 23 year old waitress in booty shorts kept calling me “sweetie” and “honey”. Eventually I just looked at her, raised an eyebrow, and sarcastically said “sweetie? Really?”

I know it’s petty and that this is 100% on patriarchy and not on those girls. I guess to be fair, I also put men of all ages in their place, too.

You sound awful, and I say that as a 40-something woman with a husband and a kid.

Also, if you can't see how flaunting money, education, your husband, and your kids is actually 100% in service to patriarchy and (I'm guess you're white) white supremacy, then you are nowhere near as clever as you think you are. You are basically bragging that you are better than other women because a man married you, you're fertile, and you have money. Gross, gross, gross.

OP, next time you feel envious, think of PP here and remind yourself "wow, at least I'm not like that."

Never said I was a role model or that I’m 100% in the right. OP asked how handle with extreme envy, and this is what has worked for me.

You are 100% a vile disgusting person and are setting a bad example for your children

I had a similar response to this PP and it is very much rooted in having had someone like this in my past. She was envious of certain aspects of my life and decided to handle it the way PP describes, often going out of her way to draw comparisons between us in order to highlight how she had more or was better in that way. She also would identify things I felt self conscious about and go out of her way to point them out or make jokes about them. It was really disturbing -- basically schoolyard bullying. My only regret was taking longer than it should have to realize what was going on and get away from her.

OP and others who might be reading this, do NOT do this. Don't give into your bitter, vicious, competitive side. It might make you feel good in the short run, but in the long run you get what you give and this will come back on you. It did for the person I'm describing above, for instance.

You have to figure out how to deal with envy within yourself. Putting it on others doesn't solve whatever is going on inside you that is causing the envy. You're just spreading your misery around, making the world a worse place.

I’ve never made comparisons or point out others’ flaws.

I’ve bought a nicer car, nicer clothes, nicer jewelry, go to an excellent hairstylist, pay attention to my husband and my kids while we’re in public instead of looking like a slob and hiding behind a screen. How awful. Occasionally when a young woman tries to get more money out of me by acting cute and dumb I let her know she’s acting like an idiot. It’s a good lesson for her, she won’t get by on looks forever and waiting tables or making lattes isn’t cute once you’re 30.

Men do this kind of thing all the time and no one bats an eye.

Wait, are you still talking about waitresses? So when you have a pretty young waitress and she “acts cute” as part of her job, you call her out because you think she’s trying to milk you for a bigger tip? Which, if she is, makes sense since you are out there flaunting how rich you are.

Honestly you sound awful and I’m guessing the service staff you abuse sees through it pretty quick and laughs at the insecure, nightmare rich lady at Table 11 after you leave.

100% they are laughing their asses off at the sad middle aged Karen who seems petty and pathetic

DP. It’s funny that most of “the things she does have” and flaunts are flying over young women’s heads.

I have children and they don’t, so I make a big deal of being a good, attentive mom.

20 yos don’t want kids. If the PP looks like such a good mother, the girl might think “I wish she were my mom.”

Many are dumb, so I make a show of being much smarter.

If they’re dumb, they’ll just notice that she sounds like a “real adult.”

I have a husband, so I pay extra attention to him in public.

Does he look like 40 yo Brad Pitt?


I can’t even. 😂😂😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My life, finances and career were basically ruined by a disastrous marriage. They will never recover. I'm now middle aged and alone as a single parent. It is a life I dislike and never wanted. I am the pity of all my better-off (by orders of magnitude) friends and family who are all nice enough but clearly consider me a "there but for the grace of god" situation. My life is a constant humiliation and living it is painful. I work FT and get by but my kids lives are measurably worse than mine was growing up in every way. I envy everyone who had better marriages and consequently better adult lives. My early life was good and that is what I got in this world, my good fortune was frontloaded. I am now middle aged and it is over. I don't want to hurt my kids more but I recently found some peace by realizing that eventually my life will end and that if I want to, which I do, later on I can use some of my remaining $ to pay someone to make my death look like an accident. I have felt lighter since realizing this.

You need to seek help. STAT. You are displaying signs of depression, which you may not realize.
Also, having a good childhood has likely been helpful for you in surviving your terrible marriage and divorce. You will come out better in the end. Have faith.

Also, my depression is situation. I know what I wasn't and do not have and also know that it has not happened and will never happen. This is not something therapy can fix. It is similar to a terminal disease, or being infertile when you wanted children. My children are my only reason for living but alone I am not giving them the life they deserve and should have had.

Again, I am going to insist that you see a therapist because you are not seeing things clearly. Your depression is clouding your judgment.
Children can be happy without the kind of exorbitant displays wealth we see on DCUM that pass as normal. Are you there for your kids? Do you live in a safe and reasonably clean home? Are your kids eating and do you have enough food? Do they go to school? Have medical and dental care? Do they have friends? I also think that living in some neighborhoods in DC gives you a very, very skewed perspective of what kind of life kids "deserve." Kids that have the opportunity to travel and go to sleep away summer camp are highly privileged.

If you can’t afford a therapist, medication for depression, under the care of a psychiatrist or even if necessary your primary doctor, can really lift your mood and be a life saver. Please ask you doctor about it. Also, does your ex provide any child support?

[Anonymous]

It is very cliché but when you gain enough experience and accumulate some wisdom, you realize that everyone has a mixed bag; some blessings and some drawbacks. It is unproductive to look at someone else's blessings while only looking the not-so-perfect things in your life.

Just in my own personal life I have experienced the greatest of blessings and the lowest of lows. It would be incorrect to say that I have had a bad life because I haven't. And I doubt anyone lives life without some hardship and setbacks.

At the end of the day, envy is a pointless and unproductive emotion. The best we can do is use it to identify what it is that we desire and work towards achieving that.

[Anonymous]

I rarely feel envious.

I feel discomfort when I am trying to make a genuine human connection, and the other person is playing these one-upsmanship games. It hurts. That's the feeling, not envy.

Or when people say, your just jealous. Or remember that Pantene commercial, "Don't hate me because I am beautiful"? It isn't hate because the model is beautiful, but it's the hurt in seeing how confident she is because of hair. And seeing the rewards attached to hair.

Does that make sense?

And I had similar hair to the models in the Pantene commercial. It still hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I rarely feel envious.

I feel discomfort when I am trying to make a genuine human connection, and the other person is playing these one-upsmanship games. It hurts. That's the feeling, not envy.

Or when people say, your just jealous. Or remember that Pantene commercial, "Don't hate me because I am beautiful"? It isn't hate because the model is beautiful, but it's the hurt in seeing how confident she is because of hair. And seeing the rewards attached to hair.

Does that make sense?

And I had similar hair to the models in the Pantene commercial. It still hurts.

So I have felt envy before but I think there is a LOT of truth to this. Especially the thing about trying to connect with someone and instead having them play one-upsmanship games. I experience this a lot less now but it was really common in my late 20s/early 30s and reading PP immediately made me think of a very frustrating friendship I had with a woman who did this a lot.

The frustrating thing was that before this behavior started, I think we had a healthy friendship. We both had things going for us and also both had struggles and it felt like there was a lot of equality. But she started in with those games and what I primarily felt was not envy of her but hurt for myself. It felt like she was constantly putting me down a little because it was so important for her to always come out on top. Which meant that in her mind, I had to come out on the bottom. It was not enough for us to be equals with different strengths and weaknesses.

I wound up exiting the friendship and the further frustrating thing is that a lot if our mutual friends characterized it as me being too envious of her to be friends (a framing she encouraged). But that’s not what happened. I have tons of friends who have enviable lives— friends who have more money, cooler jobs, are more naturally pretty, why get to travel more. But those friendships are healthy because none of them are trying to make me feel less than.

I think people assume envy as the problem between women often but sometimes that’s the easy excuse. Look at the PP in this thread who flaunts her wealth and family, and is openly condescending, to younger women she envies. If those younger women responded in kind, she’d say they were “just jealous.” But it’s clear from her comments that’s not it at all. She’s treating them as less than to make herself feel better. Their envy, even if it exists, is really not the root of the problem.

[Anonymous]

I am someone who has been the victim of jealous people who ended up doing something crappy to punish me for what ever blessing I had, for example keying my new car - which I had payments on. I would like people like them to know that I have a lot of bad stuff happen too and I wish they would take it into account. I doubt they would want my life. My advice is to look at the bigger picture and stop creating negative energy in your own life with envy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to look at whatever it is that I am envying and ask myself what I can do for myself to help meet those desires. Envy is a message from your subconscious telling you about what you really, really want. You may not be able to obtain the exact same thing someone else has, but you can pretty much always find ways to channel that desire into something in your own life. Here are examples I've been through:

- Intense envy of someone who had a job I really, really wanted led to me signing up for some classes to develop a skill I'd always wanted to have, and that ultimately led me to start my own business turning that skill into a career a few years later. It's not even the same area as that job I envied, but the envy I felt helped me to focus in on the fact that I was very unhappy with my career trajectory and wanted more.

- Envying a friend who could spend a lot of money on clothes and getting her hair done led me to re-evaluate my own approach to appearance and make some changes that I am really happy with. I could not afford to just buy my way into a new look, but I culled my wardrobe, shopped consignment, consulted style blogs, learned to better style my hair and makeup using YouTube videos and Instagram, and ultimately am much happier with my appearance than I was before.

People act like envy is this shameful emotion but it's actually a powerful force for change. You just need to channel it into positive action in your own life instead of dwelling on the person who has the thing you want. In the end, I've found that the people I envied were ultimately beside the point. Once I'd changed the things I needed to change in my own life, I didn't feel envy towards them anymore. I don't really feel anything at all. Sometimes I run into them and I'm kind of amazed I ever thought that their life was better than mine -- I'd so much rather be me. But that's because I took the energy of my envy and focused it back on myself. Focusing on them is a waste.

I love this approach - thank you