What do you do with strong feelings of envy

[Anonymous]

When thinking of all the things you are grateful for does not work?

It doesn’t happen to me often, but sometimes it literally makes it hard to breathe almost like a minor anxiety attack (which I do have.)

I’m not proud of this.

[Anonymous]

I analyze what I am envious about and why. Then if it something I truly want (as opposed to an underlying issue) I map out the goals and path to get it.

For example: used to be deeply envious of a friend’s life. In reality, I was unhappy with my marriage and life path. So I divorced my x, changed my graduate program, and set the goals to make it to a life I wanted.

Another example: was jealous of my friends who were working. I started planning my re-entry into the workforce.

[Anonymous]

I have to look at whatever it is that I am envying and ask myself what I can do for myself to help meet those desires. Envy is a message from your subconscious telling you about what you really, really want. You may not be able to obtain the exact same thing someone else has, but you can pretty much always find ways to channel that desire into something in your own life. Here are examples I've been through:

- Intense envy of someone who had a job I really, really wanted led to me signing up for some classes to develop a skill I'd always wanted to have, and that ultimately led me to start my own business turning that skill into a career a few years later. It's not even the same area as that job I envied, but the envy I felt helped me to focus in on the fact that I was very unhappy with my career trajectory and wanted more.

- Envying a friend who could spend a lot of money on clothes and getting her hair done led me to re-evaluate my own approach to appearance and make some changes that I am really happy with. I could not afford to just buy my way into a new look, but I culled my wardrobe, shopped consignment, consulted style blogs, learned to better style my hair and makeup using YouTube videos and Instagram, and ultimately am much happier with my appearance than I was before.

People act like envy is this shameful emotion but it's actually a powerful force for change. You just need to channel it into positive action in your own life instead of dwelling on the person who has the thing you want. In the end, I've found that the people I envied were ultimately beside the point. Once I'd changed the things I needed to change in my own life, I didn't feel envy towards them anymore. I don't really feel anything at all. Sometimes I run into them and I'm kind of amazed I ever thought that their life was better than mine -- I'd so much rather be me. But that's because I took the energy of my envy and focused it back on myself. Focusing on them is a waste.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When thinking of all the things you are grateful for does not work?

It doesn’t happen to me often, but sometimes it literally makes it hard to breathe almost like a minor anxiety attack (which I do have.)

I’m not proud of this.

Envy and jealousy are emotions that only harm you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When thinking of all the things you are grateful for does not work?

It doesn’t happen to me often, but sometimes it literally makes it hard to breathe almost like a minor anxiety attack (which I do have.)

I’m not proud of this.

Envy and jealousy are emotions that only harm you.

Yes I know. I don’t want to feel this way. But I can’t make it stop.

[Anonymous]

I am prone to panic attacks, some of them severe, but don't have envy attacks When I feel envy, I somehow distract myself with other things and think about something else. If you know something triggers you, OP, remove yourself from the situation rapidly and move on to something you find rewarding and fulfilling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to look at whatever it is that I am envying and ask myself what I can do for myself to help meet those desires. Envy is a message from your subconscious telling you about what you really, really want. You may not be able to obtain the exact same thing someone else has, but you can pretty much always find ways to channel that desire into something in your own life. Here are examples I've been through:

- Intense envy of someone who had a job I really, really wanted led to me signing up for some classes to develop a skill I'd always wanted to have, and that ultimately led me to start my own business turning that skill into a career a few years later. It's not even the same area as that job I envied, but the envy I felt helped me to focus in on the fact that I was very unhappy with my career trajectory and wanted more.

- Envying a friend who could spend a lot of money on clothes and getting her hair done led me to re-evaluate my own approach to appearance and make some changes that I am really happy with. I could not afford to just buy my way into a new look, but I culled my wardrobe, shopped consignment, consulted style blogs, learned to better style my hair and makeup using YouTube videos and Instagram, and ultimately am much happier with my appearance than I was before.

People act like envy is this shameful emotion but it's actually a powerful force for change. You just need to channel it into positive action in your own life instead of dwelling on the person who has the thing you want. In the end, I've found that the people I envied were ultimately beside the point. Once I'd changed the things I needed to change in my own life, I didn't feel envy towards them anymore. I don't really feel anything at all. Sometimes I run into them and I'm kind of amazed I ever thought that their life was better than mine -- I'd so much rather be me. But that's because I took the energy of my envy and focused it back on myself. Focusing on them is a waste.

This is great advice.

[Anonymous]

I don't have strong feelings of envy. I was raised as an only child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have strong feelings of envy. I was raised as an only child.

What does that have to do with it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have strong feelings of envy. I was raised as an only child.

What does that have to do with it?

That it is a state of mind, or a temperamental thing partly.
OP may also never be able to stop having envy because that's just the way she was wired and it was reinforced by her environment growing up.
Part of it might just be accepting HERSELF for who she is and with that she might lose some of the envy.
That or contracting some life threatening illness - I understand that can give you instant perspective and humility.

You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

I’m the same way. In my case, I’m pushing 40 and envious of young, beautiful women. It pisses me off because I know it’s our messed-up culture that values women only while they are young and discards them once they hit 30.

Nothing I’ve tried has stopped it, so instead I flaunt the things I do have. I have more money than them, so I buy nice things they can’t afford. I have children and they don’t, so I make a big deal of being a good, attentive mom. Many are dumb, so I make a show of being much smarter. I have a husband, so I pay extra attention to him in public. Once in awhile I’ll make a comment to put them in their place; for example, I was at a restaurant and a 23 year old waitress in booty shorts kept calling me “sweetie” and “honey”. Eventually I just looked at her, raised an eyebrow, and sarcastically said “sweetie? Really?”

I know it’s petty and that this is 100% on patriarchy and not on those girls. I guess to be fair, I also put men of all ages in their place, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same way. In my case, I’m pushing 40 and envious of young, beautiful women. It pisses me off because I know it’s our messed-up culture that values women only while they are young and discards them once they hit 30.

Nothing I’ve tried has stopped it, so instead I flaunt the things I do have. I have more money than them, so I buy nice things they can’t afford. I have children and they don’t, so I make a big deal of being a good, attentive mom. Many are dumb, so I make a show of being much smarter. I have a husband, so I pay extra attention to him in public. Once in awhile I’ll make a comment to put them in their place; for example, I was at a restaurant and a 23 year old waitress in booty shorts kept calling me “sweetie” and “honey”. Eventually I just looked at her, raised an eyebrow, and sarcastically said “sweetie? Really?”

I know it’s petty and that this is 100% on patriarchy and not on those girls. I guess to be fair, I also put men of all ages in their place, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same way. In my case, I’m pushing 40 and envious of young, beautiful women. It pisses me off because I know it’s our messed-up culture that values women only while they are young and discards them once they hit 30.

Nothing I’ve tried has stopped it, so instead I flaunt the things I do have. I have more money than them, so I buy nice things they can’t afford. I have children and they don’t, so I make a big deal of being a good, attentive mom. Many are dumb, so I make a show of being much smarter. I have a husband, so I pay extra attention to him in public. Once in awhile I’ll make a comment to put them in their place; for example, I was at a restaurant and a 23 year old waitress in booty shorts kept calling me “sweetie” and “honey”. Eventually I just looked at her, raised an eyebrow, and sarcastically said “sweetie? Really?”

I know it’s petty and that this is 100% on patriarchy and not on those girls. I guess to be fair, I also put men of all ages in their place, too.

Ha, I know. But I figured, if a 20 can flaunt her assets, why can’t I flaunt mine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same way. In my case, I’m pushing 40 and envious of young, beautiful women. It pisses me off because I know it’s our messed-up culture that values women only while they are young and discards them once they hit 30.

Nothing I’ve tried has stopped it, so instead I flaunt the things I do have. I have more money than them, so I buy nice things they can’t afford. I have children and they don’t, so I make a big deal of being a good, attentive mom. Many are dumb, so I make a show of being much smarter. I have a husband, so I pay extra attention to him in public. Once in awhile I’ll make a comment to put them in their place; for example, I was at a restaurant and a 23 year old waitress in booty shorts kept calling me “sweetie” and “honey”. Eventually I just looked at her, raised an eyebrow, and sarcastically said “sweetie? Really?”

I know it’s petty and that this is 100% on patriarchy and not on those girls. I guess to be fair, I also put men of all ages in their place, too.

You sound awful, and I say that as a 40-something woman with a husband and a kid.

Also, if you can't see how flaunting money, education, your husband, and your kids is actually 100% in service to patriarchy and (I'm guess you're white) white supremacy, then you are nowhere near as clever as you think you are. You are basically bragging that you are better than other women because a man married you, you're fertile, and you have money. Gross, gross, gross.

OP, next time you feel envious, think of PP here and remind yourself "wow, at least I'm not like that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same way. In my case, I’m pushing 40 and envious of young, beautiful women. It pisses me off because I know it’s our messed-up culture that values women only while they are young and discards them once they hit 30.

Nothing I’ve tried has stopped it, so instead I flaunt the things I do have. I have more money than them, so I buy nice things they can’t afford. I have children and they don’t, so I make a big deal of being a good, attentive mom. Many are dumb, so I make a show of being much smarter. I have a husband, so I pay extra attention to him in public. Once in awhile I’ll make a comment to put them in their place; for example, I was at a restaurant and a 23 year old waitress in booty shorts kept calling me “sweetie” and “honey”. Eventually I just looked at her, raised an eyebrow, and sarcastically said “sweetie? Really?”

I know it’s petty and that this is 100% on patriarchy and not on those girls. I guess to be fair, I also put men of all ages in their place, too.

You sound awful, and I say that as a 40-something woman with a husband and a kid.

Also, if you can't see how flaunting money, education, your husband, and your kids is actually 100% in service to patriarchy and (I'm guess you're white) white supremacy, then you are nowhere near as clever as you think you are. You are basically bragging that you are better than other women because a man married you, you're fertile, and you have money. Gross, gross, gross.

OP, next time you feel envious, think of PP here and remind yourself "wow, at least I'm not like that."

Never said I was a role model or that I’m 100% in the right. OP asked how handle with extreme envy, and this is what has worked for me.