Anonymous wrote:Are you there for your kids? >> often not, I have to work and when not working am busy "adulting" (cooking/dishes/cleanup/laundry/groceries/paying bills/doing admin) and can barely do anything with them. They constantly ask for more time and energy than I have to give. They are mostly latchkey and our schedule is inconsistent.
Do you live in a safe and reasonably clean home? >> We live in a small 2BR apartment in a borderline area where we have been victims of property theft and vandalism three times in the last 9 months. Their new bicycles were stolen in the fall and I cannot afford to replace them. My tires were slashed last month and my purse was stolen last week.
Are your kids eating and do you have enough food? >> they are eating, I buy cheaper groceries than before. We seldom eat out anymore. I constantly inform them what things cost now. We avoid eating out with friends now bc it is too expensive, this limits their social lives and mine. We have enough food but I am constantly stressed about the price of groceries and get upset whenever they don't finish their lunch or waste food.
Do they go to school? >> they are intellectually gifted but attend a crappy local public school where there is no gifted program, they have learned very little compared to their friends at better schools and they have zero study habits bc what little work there is is so easy and not challenging or interesting in any way. It is all very superficial and standardized busywork, no depth whatsoever. It is a joke tbh. There has been bullying, and physical attacks, and kids with behavioral problems making class and recess harder for others. Last week there were cops in the school office bc during art class a kid slashed another kid with an xacto knife. A kid was beaten by others with metal lunchboxes bc inciting kid made a racist comment. To attend a better public we would need to move and I cannot afford those neighborhoods. For reference, my kids used to attend the top private school in the state pre-divorce. I also attended a top private school and college. Educationally, they are on a road to nowhere which they do not know.
Have medical and dental care? >> yes, through my ex-spouse. My job is 1099 therefore no benefits.
Do they have friends? >> their friends are, quite frankly, nice but fall into two groups: losers who are on a similarly pointless trajectory or kids of my friends who inhabit and are preparing for a world of privilege my children have no access to. Latter group lives in nice houses in better neighbohoods and attend good schools, are involved in extracurriculars, attend summer camp and go on vacations, host holidays at their homes, all things I expected to do with my own family and grew up doing. These kids refuse to visit our home bc it is too small, no where to play, and not fun. There is a third group that were like the second group but no longer associate with us.
I also think that living in some neighborhoods in DC gives you a very, very skewed perspective of what kind of life kids "deserve." >> I am not living in one of those neighborhoods, obviously.
Kids that have the opportunity to travel and go to sleep away summer camp are highly privileged. >> no doubt, but my kids deserved a 2-parent home, a nice place to live, a stable home life, a good education, a safe neighborhood, and a mother who could focus on them and was mentally healthier. They have none of those things.
You are providing for your kids. They have food. They go to school. With bright parents they will do well intellectually even if they aren't at a top school. When they are adults they will look back at this time and be so grateful to you for how hard you work to make sure they had what they needed. Please know that. Please, please know that.
I grew up in the 80s and everyone then was a latchkey kid. We all turned out fine. There wasn't that much emphasis on going to top elementary or high schools either. Again: we turned out fine.
Your kids may wish they could go to camp or get the fancy groceries right now, but one day they will understand just how much you gave to them. They really will.
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