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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My mom does a version of this. She wouldn't actually take on a mother-daughter relationship, but she if she met someone my age who really impressed her, she would go on and on about it in detail ... repeatedly ... ad nauseam. I thought it was weird but at the same time, I didn't mind much because I don't really spend time comparing myself to people who are doing things I'm not interested in.

One time, it was her friend's niece, who had won the state beauty pageant, and was "so exquisite." My mother went so far as to state that while my sister and I were pretty, we were not in the same league as this beauty pageant winner. I accepted this as fact, but my sister was very offended and said she feels that out of all the people in the world, at least your mother should think you're the prettiest. And I think she has a point!

Another time, it was this political/media personality. My mother met her at her workplace and was enthralled. Would not shut up about how this woman was so accomplished, so put together, so amazing. Imagine, for her to be so impressive and only the same age as me, etc. I can't tell you how many times I had to hear this woman's name. She was relatively unknown at the time, but now known nationally. I don't watch TV news shows, but it always hits me when I read her name in the news. I loathe everything that the woman stands for. I wouldn't want to be like her at all.

Meanwhile, at some point I noticed that my mother could not stand to hear anything nice about anyone else. And I wouldn't even doing it "on purpose" or about women she could compare herself to, either. Just casual conversation, like "Oh, I just love Stacy, she's awesome," talking about my sister's friend. This type of comment would make her stop, pause and go pale. "Really, what's so great about Stacy?" So then I have to justify that Stacy is fun-loving, positive and seems to have great relationships with her kids! "Doesn't sound all that awesome to me!" LOL. Yeah, she would have really lost her mind if I had started talking about a surrogate mother figure, as a PP suggested, and it would not have been effective.

FYI, my mother is a diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I know some people here feel that you should focus on the behavior and not the label, and I agree there's some truth in that, but it helped me to know that my mother had a mental illness with a name. It's amazing how BPDs have so many behaviors in common.

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I’m the PP who said I don’t egg my mom on because it wouldn’t serve me and I think she’s already sick enough and probably in enough mental pain.  I think my mom is likely BPD with some narcissistic tendencies.  But we will probably never know, because she won’t attend family counseling  and she will only see a psychiatrist long enough to score meds without working on any underlying problems.  I know she has spent her life building up a false  persona (I’m so tough,  I do everything alone, I can compartmentalization my stress, etc).  I think it would kill her to face her real self and be vulnerable enough to get some work done in therapy.  It’s like the false self is the only thing holding her very fragile and damaged ego together.[/quote]

I know so many people on here get their feathers ruffled when we talk about moms having personality disorders and they just cannot fathom it, but I must tell you this is so helpful. Also, my mom too eventually was willing to try meds. She never stuck with therapy because "they are all crazy and I am fine!" As soon as she felt better on meds she went off.

Yes, with my mom too the false self is what she needs and she too has a very fragile and damaged ego. It's amazing to read so many accounts that resonate with me. Thank you.

My therapist kept throwing out labels as I shared more tales of mom like Borderline, NPD and Bipolar and I was like "Noooooooo, she's not that bad." Then I would launch into a tale of mom hurling insult after insult at me and flying into a rage at something small. She's point out how out there it was and gently mention the diagnoses and I'd say "nooooooo, not mom." Then I'd launch into how my mom told me my father would never accept me if I didn't go to an top college. (He never said this to me directly). Even after doing my best to meet all her requirements/conditions to be loved, the "love" was fleeting and over and over she still told what a disappointment I am. Over and over I defended her in therapy and blamed myself for somehow mis-portraying things that happened. I felt like I needed my therapist to understand that I secretly deserved this treatment. My mom used to tell my dad exactly how she would like to strangle me. She threaten to suffocate him in his sleep with a pillow when she was angry with him. How did I ever consider this normal behavior and I *still* think I am to blame and if you had observed you would think the same. my mom is one sick puppy, but her mom was worse-except mom was the Golden child so she didn't have to endure anything that bad.[/quote]

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