Affair recovery and staying together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

I get that PP is Uber supportive of him, but what is he offering to her? If the shoe were on the other foot, he’d be okay with whatever PP’s vice / coping mechanism” is?

How does he treat these other women, PP? Is is disrespectful to them, like he’s using them to punish his mother, and maybe that’s a better outcome for you because then he’s not punishing you? Just trying to make sense of what’s in it for you.

It's crazy that this guy is not in therapy. He wouldn't even need to cheat if he addressed the issues that cause this compartmentalization and lack of empathy. He will feel better emotionally and physically and learn to process empathy and get over the trauma inflicted on him in his youth.

However, I guarantee this poster is a troll with a capital T because nobody is letting their spouse cheat over and over with zero concern for their own well-being. The pp is in need of some serious therapy as well to address why she settles for so little. This isn't even an agreed upon open marriage situation. It is incredibly disturbing.

Eh. I don’t find this so different than what happens in many families, where there is an implicit DADT or the woman looks the other way. It’s VERY common in many countries and cultures. I’m not saying it’s right or what the women want, but in some places there’s more social acceptance of this kind of situation. The wife is the person who has claim on the property, income, and legal benefits for the kids. The mistress or whore is second tier. This is how women make peace with the situation and by and large it is as stable as a social system where it’s really morally taboo but people do it anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A number of people have said it takes about 5 years to evolve beyond the knowledge and pain.

+100

It all depends on so many factors: length of affair, degree of deception/blind-sided, what work the individuals do, the actions of the offender, etc.

2-5 years is very common and what is cited by therapists/studies, with it getting better over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

If doesn’t sound enlightened, it sounds like PP has low self-esteem and has been groomed to be a people-pleaser, always forgiving others because she doesn’t believe that she can be the one to hold them accountable. She always has to work on herself and not the other way around, because otherwise the dynamic won’t work.

This isn’t a condemnation, I think a lot of us suffer from people-pleasing habits. But let’s not confuse dysfunction with health.

I also don’t condemn the PP, because she sounds sincere and her heart is in the right place. But that man. Geesh. Dollars to donuts he is gaslighting her. “Insecurities” is a euphemism for “urges,” as in this guy has the urge to prey on women. Will leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

If doesn’t sound enlightened, it sounds like PP has low self-esteem and has been groomed to be a people-pleaser, always forgiving others because she doesn’t believe that she can be the one to hold them accountable. She always has to work on herself and not the other way around, because otherwise the dynamic won’t work.

This isn’t a condemnation, I think a lot of us suffer from people-pleasing habits. But let’s not confuse dysfunction with health.

I also don’t condemn the PP, because she sounds sincere and her heart is in the right place. But that man. Geesh. Dollars to donuts he is gaslighting her. “Insecurities” is a euphemism for “urges,” as in this guy has the urge to prey on women. Will leave it at that.

PP here and I agree 100%. Also I’ll add that I very might well do the same in her situation. It’s so hard with men like that.

[Anonymous]

^^^ It doesn’t have to be hard with “men like that” if you cut it off before bad behavior becomes normalized. So if he lies once, perhaps it was a fluke. Twice, he’d better have a damn good reason. Third time, Bye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had a year long affair that ended when I found out 3 years ago. I’m just now actually getting to the question of what it means for our marriage. I’m leaning out. The cheating is one thing, the lies, manipulation and gaslighting are another. The gaslighting - on any old topic, not just the affair - is a real thing that has gone on since before the affair and certainly after. I feel like I’m seeing things that were always there for the first time, and they can’t be unseen.

Anyone else BTDT on this dynamic? Did you personally heal? Did you stay? Leave? We have elementary/middle school kids so of course they are a huge factor in my decision process.

I found that you can stay if your spouse is being honest and admitting the why it happened. It is easy to blame others but to really do the work is hard. If he is still gaslighting or lying, then you will never heal. However, if you both get to a level of understanding and an understanding that people are flawed, it can get better. It won’t be the marriage that you dreamed of but it can still be good.

OP returning here. And thanks for the PP’s diversions. Really helpful discussion. To this poster’s point - DH has only recently decided to do the “real” work. We both papered over the initial gashes to make the pain stop. He has since thought he was doing what he thought was needed and thought we were happy. When I reconnected with a (male) friend, he flipped his lid. That male friend is just a close friend. But DH won’t hear it. Regardless, the words that have been used during daytime hours about positive things about me that then turn into 180’ different and hurtful things after he has been drinking can’t be unheard. Now he wants to actually do the work. Or says he does. But I think I may just be married to a narcissist and really, I can’t change that. I feel like I just realized I’m the frog in the proverbial boiling pot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had a year long affair that ended when I found out 3 years ago. I’m just now actually getting to the question of what it means for our marriage. I’m leaning out. The cheating is one thing, the lies, manipulation and gaslighting are another. The gaslighting - on any old topic, not just the affair - is a real thing that has gone on since before the affair and certainly after. I feel like I’m seeing things that were always there for the first time, and they can’t be unseen.

Anyone else BTDT on this dynamic? Did you personally heal? Did you stay? Leave? We have elementary/middle school kids so of course they are a huge factor in my decision process.

I found that you can stay if your spouse is being honest and admitting the why it happened. It is easy to blame others but to really do the work is hard. If he is still gaslighting or lying, then you will never heal. However, if you both get to a level of understanding and an understanding that people are flawed, it can get better. It won’t be the marriage that you dreamed of but it can still be good.

OP returning here. And thanks for the PP’s diversions. Really helpful discussion. To this poster’s point - DH has only recently decided to do the “real” work. We both papered over the initial gashes to make the pain stop. He has since thought he was doing what he thought was needed and thought we were happy. When I reconnected with a (male) friend, he flipped his lid. That male friend is just a close friend. But DH won’t hear it. Regardless, the words that have been used during daytime hours about positive things about me that then turn into 180’ different and hurtful things after he has been drinking can’t be unheard. Now he wants to actually do the work. Or says he does. But I think I may just be married to a narcissist and really, I can’t change that. I feel like I just realized I’m the frog in the proverbial boiling pot.

Your story is so familiar. It is very common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ It doesn’t have to be hard with “men like that” if you cut it off before bad behavior becomes normalized. So if he lies once, perhaps it was a fluke. Twice, he’d better have a damn good reason. Third time, Bye.

You’re speaking like someone who has been taught and has learned boundaries, and who has a strong sense of self and self worth. Not all of us have that. So yeah, for many of us, we don’t have the tools to cut it off when the behavior starts so it is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had a year long affair that ended when I found out 3 years ago. I’m just now actually getting to the question of what it means for our marriage. I’m leaning out. The cheating is one thing, the lies, manipulation and gaslighting are another. The gaslighting - on any old topic, not just the affair - is a real thing that has gone on since before the affair and certainly after. I feel like I’m seeing things that were always there for the first time, and they can’t be unseen.

Anyone else BTDT on this dynamic? Did you personally heal? Did you stay? Leave? We have elementary/middle school kids so of course they are a huge factor in my decision process.

I found that you can stay if your spouse is being honest and admitting the why it happened. It is easy to blame others but to really do the work is hard. If he is still gaslighting or lying, then you will never heal. However, if you both get to a level of understanding and an understanding that people are flawed, it can get better. It won’t be the marriage that you dreamed of but it can still be good.

OP returning here. And thanks for the PP’s diversions. Really helpful discussion. To this poster’s point - DH has only recently decided to do the “real” work. We both papered over the initial gashes to make the pain stop. He has since thought he was doing what he thought was needed and thought we were happy. When I reconnected with a (male) friend, he flipped his lid. That male friend is just a close friend. But DH won’t hear it. Regardless, the words that have been used during daytime hours about positive things about me that then turn into 180’ different and hurtful things after he has been drinking can’t be unheard. Now he wants to actually do the work. Or says he does. But I think I may just be married to a narcissist and really, I can’t change that. I feel like I just realized I’m the frog in the proverbial boiling pot.

He has a substance use problem. Cue all the posters coming in to say no, that's impossible, we don't even know how much he drinks, how often, why, whatever. Here is the bottom line: he keeps drinking despite alcohol having this impact on his behavior and your relationship. That's the definition of a substance use problem.

Al-Anon is on Zoom. Super accessible. You might find something useful there.

I got a postnup and I recommend one to you as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

I get that PP is Uber supportive of him, but what is he offering to her? If the shoe were on the other foot, he’d be okay with whatever PP’s vice / coping mechanism” is?

How does he treat these other women, PP? Is is disrespectful to them, like he’s using them to punish his mother, and maybe that’s a better outcome for you because then he’s not punishing you? Just trying to make sense of what’s in it for you.

It's crazy that this guy is not in therapy. He wouldn't even need to cheat if he addressed the issues that cause this compartmentalization and lack of empathy. He will feel better emotionally and physically and learn to process empathy and get over the trauma inflicted on him in his youth.

However, I guarantee this poster is a troll with a capital T because nobody is letting their spouse cheat over and over with zero concern for their own well-being. The pp is in need of some serious therapy as well to address why she settles for so little. This isn't even an agreed upon open marriage situation. It is incredibly disturbing.

You sound young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH had a year long affair that ended when I found out 3 years ago. I’m just now actually getting to the question of what it means for our marriage. I’m leaning out. The cheating is one thing, the lies, manipulation and gaslighting are another. The gaslighting - on any old topic, not just the affair - is a real thing that has gone on since before the affair and certainly after. I feel like I’m seeing things that were always there for the first time, and they can’t be unseen.

Anyone else BTDT on this dynamic? Did you personally heal? Did you stay? Leave? We have elementary/middle school kids so of course they are a huge factor in my decision process.

I found that you can stay if your spouse is being honest and admitting the why it happened. It is easy to blame others but to really do the work is hard. If he is still gaslighting or lying, then you will never heal. However, if you both get to a level of understanding and an understanding that people are flawed, it can get better. It won’t be the marriage that you dreamed of but it can still be good.

OP returning here. And thanks for the PP’s diversions. Really helpful discussion. To this poster’s point - DH has only recently decided to do the “real” work. We both papered over the initial gashes to make the pain stop. He has since thought he was doing what he thought was needed and thought we were happy. When I reconnected with a (male) friend, he flipped his lid. That male friend is just a close friend. But DH won’t hear it. Regardless, the words that have been used during daytime hours about positive things about me that then turn into 180’ different and hurtful things after he has been drinking can’t be unheard. Now he wants to actually do the work. Or says he does. But I think I may just be married to a narcissist and really, I can’t change that. I feel like I just realized I’m the frog in the proverbial boiling pot.

He has a substance use problem. Cue all the posters coming in to say no, that's impossible, we don't even know how much he drinks, how often, why, whatever. Here is the bottom line: he keeps drinking despite alcohol having this impact on his behavior and your relationship. That's the definition of a substance use problem.

Al-Anon is on Zoom. Super accessible. You might find something useful there.

I got a postnup and I recommend one to you as well.

OP again.

Why a postnup? Is this guy worth staying with for the years it *might* take him to get his shit together while I’m miserable in the meantime and lord knows what the kids see? That is asked like I have a solid answer and direction, which I don’t. But I guess I’m feeling less afraid of being on my own that I may have in the past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ PP, what was the reason WHY he did it. Was it uncharacteristic, like a mid life crisis, or is this more of a case of a duplicitous guy living a double life? I think there can be a category of person who makes this mistake to fill some weird void or because of some stress/ mental health reason but are capable of regret, remorse and a desire to get back on the right track. I suppose only time can reveal his true colors.

Midlife crisis coupled with unaddressed/repressed childhood trauma (infidelity, domestic violence, alcoholism, abandonment/neglect). He compensated by being perfect and compartmentalizing so empathy/guilt isn’t felt. It’s shoved down.

It wasn’t a marriage problem. It was a “him” problem which means I have less control. That’s why I’m hesitant. There’s nothing I can fix, as the therapist say he needs to continue to do the work. I worry about the future.

Sounds like bullshit excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

I get that PP is Uber supportive of him, but what is he offering to her? If the shoe were on the other foot, he’d be okay with whatever PP’s vice / coping mechanism” is?

How does he treat these other women, PP? Is is disrespectful to them, like he’s using them to punish his mother, and maybe that’s a better outcome for you because then he’s not punishing you? Just trying to make sense of what’s in it for you.

It's crazy that this guy is not in therapy. He wouldn't even need to cheat if he addressed the issues that cause this compartmentalization and lack of empathy. He will feel better emotionally and physically and learn to process empathy and get over the trauma inflicted on him in his youth.

However, I guarantee this poster is a troll with a capital T because nobody is letting their spouse cheat over and over with zero concern for their own well-being. The pp is in need of some serious therapy as well to address why she settles for so little. This isn't even an agreed upon open marriage situation. It is incredibly disturbing.

You sound young.

No PP, young or not, that PP sounds sane. That PP is correct that no one in their right mind is going to accept a bag of goods like that from their spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

I get that PP is Uber supportive of him, but what is he offering to her? If the shoe were on the other foot, he’d be okay with whatever PP’s vice / coping mechanism” is?

How does he treat these other women, PP? Is is disrespectful to them, like he’s using them to punish his mother, and maybe that’s a better outcome for you because then he’s not punishing you? Just trying to make sense of what’s in it for you.

It's crazy that this guy is not in therapy. He wouldn't even need to cheat if he addressed the issues that cause this compartmentalization and lack of empathy. He will feel better emotionally and physically and learn to process empathy and get over the trauma inflicted on him in his youth.

However, I guarantee this poster is a troll with a capital T because nobody is letting their spouse cheat over and over with zero concern for their own well-being. The pp is in need of some serious therapy as well to address why she settles for so little. This isn't even an agreed upon open marriage situation. It is incredibly disturbing.

You sound young.

I'm a NP and I agree with the PP and I'm 46 and I've been married for almost 20 years. When I hear stories like these I know the wife has no career, makes no $ so she stays for the income and/or she has terrible self esteem. How can you love a person who treats you like dirt? I'm also from a country where affairs are common and discreet, but women also find an AP if the husband cheats. My money is always on the wife staying for the money, not wanting to sell the house, go back to work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

I get that PP is Uber supportive of him, but what is he offering to her? If the shoe were on the other foot, he’d be okay with whatever PP’s vice / coping mechanism” is?

How does he treat these other women, PP? Is is disrespectful to them, like he’s using them to punish his mother, and maybe that’s a better outcome for you because then he’s not punishing you? Just trying to make sense of what’s in it for you.

It's crazy that this guy is not in therapy. He wouldn't even need to cheat if he addressed the issues that cause this compartmentalization and lack of empathy. He will feel better emotionally and physically and learn to process empathy and get over the trauma inflicted on him in his youth.

However, I guarantee this poster is a troll with a capital T because nobody is letting their spouse cheat over and over with zero concern for their own well-being. The pp is in need of some serious therapy as well to address why she settles for so little. This isn't even an agreed upon open marriage situation. It is incredibly disturbing.

You sound young.

I'm a NP and I agree with the PP and I'm 46 and I've been married for almost 20 years. When I hear stories like these I know the wife has no career, makes no $ so she stays for the income and/or she has terrible self esteem. How can you love a person who treats you like dirt? I'm also from a country where affairs are common and discreet, but women also find an AP if the husband cheats. My money is always on the wife staying for the money, not wanting to sell the house, go back to work

I’m the PP who accepts that my husband cheats. I have a good career. It’s not that complicated. I love many things about my husband. I wish he didn’t cheat on me. I wish that he’d had an easier childhood. Our marriage is far from perfect but I’m happy most of the time and he’s happy most of the time and we have a really deep friendship and love in spite of him sleeping with other women. I don’t have poor self esteem. My initial reaction when I learned of his affairs was to leave. We worked through some difficult issues and I’m glad I stuck it out. To each his or her own I guess.