Affair recovery and staying together?

[Anonymous]

DH had a year long affair that ended when I found out 3 years ago. I’m just now actually getting to the question of what it means for our marriage. I’m leaning out. The cheating is one thing, the lies, manipulation and gaslighting are another. The gaslighting - on any old topic, not just the affair - is a real thing that has gone on since before the affair and certainly after. I feel like I’m seeing things that were always there for the first time, and they can’t be unseen.

Anyone else BTDT on this dynamic? Did you personally heal? Did you stay? Leave? We have elementary/middle school kids so of course they are a huge factor in my decision process.

[Anonymous]

We are still together. I don't know all the details and I don't want to. Maybe I am in a bit of denial but my life is comfortable and I don't want to blow it up. Nothing excuses his cheating but I recognize my role in turning away from him as well. Perhaps I will feel differently, good or bad, when time goes on.

I confided in one friend and she was going through the same. Infidelity is unfortunately common. You are the only one who has to live your life, so do what's right for you and your family, not what others think you should do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are still together. [/b]I don't know all the details and I don't want to. Maybe I am in a bit of denial[b] but my life is comfortable and I don't want to blow it up. Nothing excuses his cheating but I recognize my role in turning away from him as well. Perhaps I will feel differently, good or bad, when time goes on.

I confided in one friend and she was going through the same. Infidelity is unfortunately common. You are the only one who has to live your life, so do what's right for you and your family, not what others think you should do.

I had to know everything and then even more. My spouse had already ended the affair and was glad to unburden after the guilt and stress from it. He answered pretty much any thing I asked against the advice of his individual therapist. And that wasn’t enough I had to do my own research and talk to woman, etc. I wanted no secrets. I wanted to know how they were able to so successfully lie and get away with it from both their spouses. I wanted everything.

It was rough and I probably have created more mental images and mind movies that weren’t even there. My spouse says I made it out in my mind to be much more elaborate and hotter than reality. It was a NSA. They went long periods without seeing one another.

I doubt I’ll get over it and we had a very happy family and great sex life.

OP, like you it’s opened my eyes. I question everything from the past 25 years. I look at past behavior and wonder why I put up with some things and then get mad at myself.

He’s done (and doing) the work and really has changed—actions, behavior, involvement, etc. But, I don’t trust it. All the therapists sing his praises and commend him on how hard he’s worked and changed, but I constantly wait for the other shoe to drop and think: you idiots. He has you fooled. This isn’t permanent. I am still tormented by it every single day. Yes, a lot probably has to do with finding out the nitty gritty—but I didn’t want him to have secrets with someone else. I tore the windows open.

Every time we are extremely happy, a day later I spiral down. It’s like I’m too afraid to ever let go again. I’m on high alert. I’m happy with our life, but I don’t know if I can live like this or it it will really get better like therapists swear-in 5 years, etc.

I’m afraid to blow up a really happy family and future over the uncertainty. I like my life and what we created with two wonderfully happy and well-adjusted, brilliant kids. It’s a happy home.

[Anonymous]

^^ PP, what was the reason WHY he did it. Was it uncharacteristic, like a mid life crisis, or is this more of a case of a duplicitous guy living a double life? I think there can be a category of person who makes this mistake to fill some weird void or because of some stress/ mental health reason but are capable of regret, remorse and a desire to get back on the right track. I suppose only time can reveal his true colors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are still together. [/b]I don't know all the details and I don't want to. Maybe I am in a bit of denial[b] but my life is comfortable and I don't want to blow it up. Nothing excuses his cheating but I recognize my role in turning away from him as well. Perhaps I will feel differently, good or bad, when time goes on.

I confided in one friend and she was going through the same. Infidelity is unfortunately common. You are the only one who has to live your life, so do what's right for you and your family, not what others think you should do.

I had to know everything and then even more. My spouse had already ended the affair and was glad to unburden after the guilt and stress from it. He answered pretty much any thing I asked against the advice of his individual therapist. And that wasn’t enough I had to do my own research and talk to woman, etc. I wanted no secrets. I wanted to know how they were able to so successfully lie and get away with it from both their spouses. I wanted everything.

It was rough and I probably have created more mental images and mind movies that weren’t even there. My spouse says I made it out in my mind to be much more elaborate and hotter than reality. It was a NSA. They went long periods without seeing one another.

I doubt I’ll get over it and we had a very happy family and great sex life.

OP, like you it’s opened my eyes. I question everything from the past 25 years. I look at past behavior and wonder why I put up with some things and then get mad at myself.

He’s done (and doing) the work and really has changed—actions, behavior, involvement, etc. But, I don’t trust it. All the therapists sing his praises and commend him on how hard he’s worked and changed, but I constantly wait for the other shoe to drop and think: you idiots. He has you fooled. This isn’t permanent. I am still tormented by it every single day. Yes, a lot probably has to do with finding out the nitty gritty—but I didn’t want him to have secrets with someone else. I tore the windows open.

Every time we are extremely happy, a day later I spiral down. It’s like I’m too afraid to ever let go again. I’m on high alert. I’m happy with our life, but I don’t know if I can live like this or it it will really get better like therapists swear-in 5 years, etc.

I’m afraid to blow up a really happy family and future over the uncertainty. I like my life and what we created with two wonderfully happy and well-adjusted, brilliant kids. It’s a happy home.

It's the sheer terror of giving back the trust and faith to some one with the thought of how devastating it would be to find out they did it again. You now know the pain and devastation and trauma firsthand and NEVER ever want to go through that again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ PP, what was the reason WHY he did it. Was it uncharacteristic, like a mid life crisis, or is this more of a case of a duplicitous guy living a double life? I think there can be a category of person who makes this mistake to fill some weird void or because of some stress/ mental health reason but are capable of regret, remorse and a desire to get back on the right track. I suppose only time can reveal his true colors.

Midlife crisis coupled with unaddressed/repressed childhood trauma (infidelity, domestic violence, alcoholism, abandonment/neglect). He compensated by being perfect and compartmentalizing so empathy/guilt isn’t felt. It’s shoved down.

It wasn’t a marriage problem. It was a “him” problem which means I have less control. That’s why I’m hesitant. There’s nothing I can fix, as the therapist say he needs to continue to do the work. I worry about the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are still together. I don't know all the details and I don't want to. Maybe I am in a bit of denial but my life is comfortable and I don't want to blow it up. Nothing excuses his cheating but I recognize my role in turning away from him as well. Perhaps I will feel differently, good or bad, when time goes on.

I confided in one friend and she was going through the same. Infidelity is unfortunately common. You are the only one who has to live your life, so do what's right for you and your family, not what others think you should do.

If he hasn't been seeing an individual therapist, you are ripe for more infidelity in the future. I say this as a cautionary tale.

You let him off the hook. He knows there are no repercussions.

[Anonymous]

I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are still together. I don't know all the details and I don't want to. Maybe I am in a bit of denial but my life is comfortable and I don't want to blow it up. Nothing excuses his cheating but I recognize my role in turning away from him as well. Perhaps I will feel differently, good or bad, when time goes on.

I confided in one friend and she was going through the same. Infidelity is unfortunately common. You are the only one who has to live your life, so do what's right for you and your family, not what others think you should do.

If he hasn't been seeing an individual therapist, you are ripe for more infidelity in the future. I say this as a cautionary tale.

You let him off the hook. He knows there are no repercussions.

This isn’t a hard and fast rule. People are capable of pulling back from the brink and understanding when they have been lucky or gotten off easy/with less suffering than they deserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

I’ve heard a lot of reasons and justifications for having affairs, but this is a new one to me. This would be a hard No in my book (I don’t do well with gaslighting), but I guess you do you.

[Anonymous]

I really think it depends on what you want and what you expect in the future. I think kids are fine in divorce if parents can coparent well. If parents fight all the time and have a nasty divorce, it's harder.

I think it comes down to if you want to be married to this person or not.

I am divorced. No cheating involved. But cheating would not have mattered to me. I divorced because there was no benefit to marriage for me. I was unhappy from the start and after almost a decade in, I knew it was not going to change. Living separate lives in a marriage was not going to work for me. I did not want to spend any time with this person--not even dinner. So, I divorced and am so much happier. No way I could retire with him. Zero.

Our kids are fine because we coparent well and are not nasty to each other. We just aren't married. Otherwise, most things are the same. Having some money to afford a divorce helps.

It is up to you whether you want to invest in any relationship. There is no one answer...cheating or not.

[Anonymous]

I eventually left. After the first affair, I stayed. We did therapy, individually and together. We took the trips, we prioritized our marriage... all the things the therapist told us to do. BUT, I could never quite get rid of the anxiety about him doing it again. Then he had a second affair just a year later. I was almost relieved that he did, bc it was easier for me to walk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

WOW. I have compassion for my spouse's childhood trauma (abuse, neglect alcoholism, cheating) AND I have zero tolerance for cheating/infidelity. You can possess both.

My husband has been in weekly individual therapy to address that trauma and learn coping skills and ways of dealing with it that don't involve cheating/sex.

I could never look the other way and I would never feel safe having sex with my husband if I knew he were non-monogamous. But, I guess everyone is different.