Affair recovery and staying together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

I get that PP is Uber supportive of him, but what is he offering to her? If the shoe were on the other foot, he’d be okay with whatever PP’s vice / coping mechanism” is?

How does he treat these other women, PP? Is is disrespectful to them, like he’s using them to punish his mother, and maybe that’s a better outcome for you because then he’s not punishing you? Just trying to make sense of what’s in it for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

I get that PP is Uber supportive of him, but what is he offering to her? If the shoe were on the other foot, he’d be okay with whatever PP’s vice / coping mechanism” is?

How does he treat these other women, PP? Is is disrespectful to them, like he’s using them to punish his mother, and maybe that’s a better outcome for you because then he’s not punishing you? Just trying to make sense of what’s in it for you.

It's crazy that this guy is not in therapy. He wouldn't even need to cheat if he addressed the issues that cause this compartmentalization and lack of empathy. He will feel better emotionally and physically and learn to process empathy and get over the trauma inflicted on him in his youth.

However, I guarantee this poster is a troll with a capital T because nobody is letting their spouse cheat over and over with zero concern for their own well-being. The pp is in need of some serious therapy as well to address why she settles for so little. This isn't even an agreed upon open marriage situation. It is incredibly disturbing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

I get that PP is Uber supportive of him, but what is he offering to her? If the shoe were on the other foot, he’d be okay with whatever PP’s vice / coping mechanism” is?

How does he treat these other women, PP? Is is disrespectful to them, like he’s using them to punish his mother, and maybe that’s a better outcome for you because then he’s not punishing you? Just trying to make sense of what’s in it for you.

It's crazy that this guy is not in therapy. He wouldn't even need to cheat if he addressed the issues that cause this compartmentalization and lack of empathy. He will feel better emotionally and physically and learn to process empathy and get over the trauma inflicted on him in his youth.

However, I guarantee this poster is a troll with a capital T because nobody is letting their spouse cheat over and over with zero concern for their own well-being. The pp is in need of some serious therapy as well to address why she settles for so little. This isn't even an agreed upon open marriage situation. It is incredibly disturbing.

It reminds me of those true crime shows where the girlfriend supports a deviant criminal. Maybe it’s power by proxy? Who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

I get that PP is Uber supportive of him, but what is he offering to her? If the shoe were on the other foot, he’d be okay with whatever PP’s vice / coping mechanism” is?

How does he treat these other women, PP? Is is disrespectful to them, like he’s using them to punish his mother, and maybe that’s a better outcome for you because then he’s not punishing you? Just trying to make sense of what’s in it for you.

It's crazy that this guy is not in therapy. He wouldn't even need to cheat if he addressed the issues that cause this compartmentalization and lack of empathy. He will feel better emotionally and physically and learn to process empathy and get over the trauma inflicted on him in his youth.

However, I guarantee this poster is a troll with a capital T because nobody is letting their spouse cheat over and over with zero concern for their own well-being. The pp is in need of some serious therapy as well to address why she settles for so little. This isn't even an agreed upon open marriage situation. It is incredibly disturbing.

It reminds me of those true crime shows where the girlfriend supports a deviant criminal. Maybe it’s power by proxy? Who knows.

A twisted version of Stockholm Syndrome. Or a devotion like the Charles Mason twins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

I get that PP is Uber supportive of him, but what is he offering to her? If the shoe were on the other foot, he’d be okay with whatever PP’s vice / coping mechanism” is?

How does he treat these other women, PP? Is is disrespectful to them, like he’s using them to punish his mother, and maybe that’s a better outcome for you because then he’s not punishing you? Just trying to make sense of what’s in it for you.

It's crazy that this guy is not in therapy. He wouldn't even need to cheat if he addressed the issues that cause this compartmentalization and lack of empathy. He will feel better emotionally and physically and learn to process empathy and get over the trauma inflicted on him in his youth.

However, I guarantee this poster is a troll with a capital T because nobody is letting their spouse cheat over and over with zero concern for their own well-being. The pp is in need of some serious therapy as well to address why she settles for so little. This isn't even an agreed upon open marriage situation. It is incredibly disturbing.

It reminds me of those true crime shows where the girlfriend supports a deviant criminal. Maybe it’s power by proxy? Who knows.

PP here. I don’t know what to say. What do I get out of my marriage? I love my husband and really like being in his company. We have a good friendship. He makes me laugh. Lots of people stay married even when their spouse has a coping mechanism that affect us. People stay married to alcoholics, workaholics, etc. I choose to accept that my husband has some deep down insecurities about being abandoned and to soothe those insecurities it helps him to know he has other “options”. What do you want me to say? I love him, I accept him and while I wish he didn’t sleep with other women, I’m glad we are married.

OP please come post here and reclaim your thread! I didn’t mean to divert things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are still together. [/b]I don't know all the details and I don't want to. Maybe I am in a bit of denial but my life is comfortable and I don't want to blow it up. Nothing excuses his cheating but I recognize my role in turning away from him as well. Perhaps I will feel differently, good or bad, when time goes on.

I confided in one friend and she was going through the same. Infidelity is unfortunately common. You are the only one who has to live your life, so do what's right for you and your family, not what others think you should do.

I had to know everything and then even more. My spouse had already ended the affair and was glad to unburden after the guilt and stress from it. He answered pretty much any thing I asked against the advice of his individual therapist. And that wasn’t enough I had to do my own research and talk to woman, etc. I wanted no secrets. I wanted to know how they were able to so successfully lie and get away with it from both their spouses. I wanted everything.

It was rough and I probably have created more mental images and mind movies that weren’t even there. My spouse says I made it out in my mind to be much more elaborate and hotter than reality. It was a NSA. They went long periods without seeing one another.

I doubt I’ll get over it and we had a very [b]happy family and great sex life.

OP, like you it’s opened my eyes. I question everything from the past 25 years. I look at past behavior and wonder why I put up with some things and then get mad at myself.

He’s done (and doing) the work and really has changed—actions, behavior, involvement, etc. But, I don’t trust it. All the therapists sing his praises and commend him on how hard he’s worked and changed, but I constantly wait for the other shoe to drop and think: you idiots. He has you fooled. This isn’t permanent. I am still tormented by it every single day. Yes, a lot probably has to do with finding out the nitty gritty—but I didn’t want him to have secrets with someone else. I tore the windows open.

Every time we are extremely happy, a day later I spiral down. It’s like I’m too afraid to ever let go again. I’m on high alert. I’m happy with our life, but I don’t know if I can live like this or it it will really get better like therapists swear-in 5 years, etc.

I’m afraid to blow up a really happy family and future over the uncertainty. I like my life and what we created with two wonderfully happy and well-adjusted, brilliant kids. It’s a happy home.

You are not happy if you have to talk yourself into being HAPPY. It isn't a happy home because he threw a nuclear bomb into the home. If you are so happy, then why would you say that you don't know if you can live like this. More than likely, it won't. I have been there. I tried. Tried to forgive, did therapy, we worked on things, he worked on himself. The end was different than I ever imagined, but it's over. It was probably over a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

I get that PP is Uber supportive of him, but what is he offering to her? If the shoe were on the other foot, he’d be okay with whatever PP’s vice / coping mechanism” is?

How does he treat these other women, PP? Is is disrespectful to them, like he’s using them to punish his mother, and maybe that’s a better outcome for you because then he’s not punishing you? Just trying to make sense of what’s in it for you.

It's crazy that this guy is not in therapy. He wouldn't even need to cheat if he addressed the issues that cause this compartmentalization and lack of empathy. He will feel better emotionally and physically and learn to process empathy and get over the trauma inflicted on him in his youth.

However, I guarantee this poster is a troll with a capital T because nobody is letting their spouse cheat over and over with zero concern for their own well-being. The pp is in need of some serious therapy as well to address why she settles for so little. This isn't even an agreed upon open marriage situation. It is incredibly disturbing.

It reminds me of those true crime shows where the girlfriend supports a deviant criminal. Maybe it’s power by proxy? Who knows.

PP here. I don’t know what to say. What do I get out of my marriage? I love my husband and really like being in his company. We have a good friendship. He makes me laugh. Lots of people stay married even when their spouse has a coping mechanism that affect us. People stay married to alcoholics, workaholics, etc. I choose to accept that my husband has some deep down insecurities about being abandoned and to soothe those insecurities it helps him to know he has other “options”. What do you want me to say? I love him, I accept him and while I wish he didn’t sleep with other women, I’m glad we are married.

OP please come post here and reclaim your thread! I didn’t mean to divert things.

Thank you for posting your story. DCUM is so often plagued by the “divorce him or else” people. Life isn’t always that simple and people are complex. I applaud your ability to work through things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

I get that PP is Uber supportive of him, but what is he offering to her? If the shoe were on the other foot, he’d be okay with whatever PP’s vice / coping mechanism” is?

How does he treat these other women, PP? Is is disrespectful to them, like he’s using them to punish his mother, and maybe that’s a better outcome for you because then he’s not punishing you? Just trying to make sense of what’s in it for you.

It's crazy that this guy is not in therapy. He wouldn't even need to cheat if he addressed the issues that cause this compartmentalization and lack of empathy. He will feel better emotionally and physically and learn to process empathy and get over the trauma inflicted on him in his youth.

However, I guarantee this poster is a troll with a capital T because nobody is letting their spouse cheat over and over with zero concern for their own well-being. The pp is in need of some serious therapy as well to address why she settles for so little. This isn't even an agreed upon open marriage situation. It is incredibly disturbing.

It reminds me of those true crime shows where the girlfriend supports a deviant criminal. Maybe it’s power by proxy? Who knows.

A twisted version of Stockholm Syndrome. Or a devotion like the Charles Mason twins.

NP here. This is EXACTLTY why people do not share. Y’all are so dang judgmental. While, I do not believe it is something that I could do (we would have to open our marriage up totally). I stand in no judgment of her. I feel that she’s doing what she needs to do at this time to cope. I am sure if in the future she feels differently, she will leave.

BTW, you can state your opinion without attacking her😡

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH had a year long affair that ended when I found out 3 years ago. I’m just now actually getting to the question of what it means for our marriage. I’m leaning out. The cheating is one thing, the lies, manipulation and gaslighting are another. The gaslighting - on any old topic, not just the affair - is a real thing that has gone on since before the affair and certainly after. I feel like I’m seeing things that were always there for the first time, and they can’t be unseen.

Anyone else BTDT on this dynamic? Did you personally heal? Did you stay? Leave? We have elementary/middle school kids so of course they are a huge factor in my decision process.

I found that you can stay if your spouse is being honest and admitting the why it happened. It is easy to blame others but to really do the work is hard. If he is still gaslighting or lying, then you will never heal. However, if you both get to a level of understanding and an understanding that people are flawed, it can get better. It won’t be the marriage that you dreamed of but it can still be good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

I get that PP is Uber supportive of him, but what is he offering to her? If the shoe were on the other foot, he’d be okay with whatever PP’s vice / coping mechanism” is?

How does he treat these other women, PP? Is is disrespectful to them, like he’s using them to punish his mother, and maybe that’s a better outcome for you because then he’s not punishing you? Just trying to make sense of what’s in it for you.

It's crazy that this guy is not in therapy. He wouldn't even need to cheat if he addressed the issues that cause this compartmentalization and lack of empathy. He will feel better emotionally and physically and learn to process empathy and get over the trauma inflicted on him in his youth.

However, I guarantee this poster is a troll with a capital T because nobody is letting their spouse cheat over and over with zero concern for their own well-being. The pp is in need of some serious therapy as well to address why she settles for so little. This isn't even an agreed upon open marriage situation. It is incredibly disturbing.

It reminds me of those true crime shows where the girlfriend supports a deviant criminal. Maybe it’s power by proxy? Who knows.

PP here. I don’t know what to say. What do I get out of my marriage? I love my husband and really like being in his company. We have a good friendship. He makes me laugh. Lots of people stay married even when their spouse has a coping mechanism that affect us. People stay married to alcoholics, workaholics, etc. I choose to accept that my husband has some deep down insecurities about being abandoned and to soothe those insecurities it helps him to know he has other “options”. What do you want me to say? I love him, I accept him and while I wish he didn’t sleep with other women, I’m glad we are married.

OP please come post here and reclaim your thread! I didn’t mean to divert things.

Thank you for posting your story. DCUM is so often plagued by the “divorce him or else” people. Life isn’t always that simple and people are complex. I applaud your ability to work through things.

That’s fine, but I would never be able to have sex with him again. It’s way too risky. Since I like sex and it’s necessary for a close, intimate relationship I’d have to divorce. I don’t think divorcing a serial cheater is something anyone would be judged for doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe.

Yes I look the other way and yes he is safe. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us.

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.

If doesn’t sound enlightened, it sounds like PP has low self-esteem and has been groomed to be a people-pleaser, always forgiving others because she doesn’t believe that she can be the one to hold them accountable. She always has to work on herself and not the other way around, because otherwise the dynamic won’t work.

This isn’t a condemnation, I think a lot of us suffer from people-pleasing habits. But let’s not confuse dysfunction with health.

[Anonymous]

A number of people have said it takes about 5 years to evolve beyond the knowledge and pain.