Reply to Affair recovery and staying together?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.[/quote]

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe. [/quote]

Yes I look the other way [b]and yes he is safe[/b]. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us. [/quote]

You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.[/quote]

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.[/quote]

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.[/quote]

If doesn’t sound enlightened, it sounds like PP has low self-esteem and has been groomed to be a people-pleaser, always forgiving others because she doesn’t believe that she can be the one to hold them accountable. She always has to work on herself and not the other way around, because otherwise the dynamic won’t work.

This isn’t a condemnation, I think a lot of us suffer from people-pleasing habits. But let’s not confuse dysfunction with health. [/quote]

I also don’t condemn the PP, because she sounds sincere and her heart is in the right place.  But that man. Geesh. Dollars to donuts he is gaslighting her. “Insecurities” is a euphemism for “urges,” as in this guy has the urge to prey on women.  Will leave it at that.  [/quote]

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