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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I listened. Really listened. My husband eventually admitted to me that having affairs is rooted in childhood issues (mainly fear of abandonment - his mother left his father and him when he was only 3) and that knowing he can always attract someone else makes him feel secure. It's not ideal for me as his wife, but at least I understand. And having gone through some serious trauma myself as a child, I'm more inclined to be understanding about him doing what he needs to do in order to feel secure.

Interestingly the outcome of all this was that he started to trust me more - he was open with me about his fears, I didn't leave him or try to change him and I really tried to understand and accept him. And as he trusted me more he had less need to have affairs. I know he still has the occasional one night stand, but it is nothing like it used to be and we are overall doing pretty well in our marriage.[/quote]

Wow. So you just look the other way now? I hope he is at least safe. [/quote]

Yes I look the other way [b]and yes he is safe[/b]. I have compassion for what he went through as a child. I come from a family of addicts and abusers and I guess I look at him sleeping with other women as an effective coping mechanism for a very powerful trauma he experienced. His mother just left him when he was only a little kid. I’m not saying my marriage is ideal, but it works for us. [/quote]
  
You have no idea, and I've never met a man who prefers wearing condoms.[/quote]

PP here. I suppose you're right that I don't know for sure, but he cares about his health and he actually doesn't mind wearing condoms. Anyway, I'm sure the OP wants her thread back. I just wanted to share my experience that we didn't let an affair end our marriage and that it's possible to stay married to a partner and accept that they cheat and that cheating isn't always (and I'd posit that it is rarely) about the person being cheated on.[/quote]

NP. Very enlightened of you, seriously. It sounds like you've done a lot of work on yourself and I hope your partner appreciates the level of understanding and unconditional acceptance you offer.[/quote]

I get that PP is Uber supportive of him, but what is he offering to her?  If the shoe were on the other foot, he’d be okay with whatever PP’s vice / coping mechanism” is?

How does he treat these other women, PP?  Is is disrespectful to them, like he’s using them to punish his mother, and maybe that’s a better outcome for you because then he’s not punishing you?  Just trying to make sense of what’s in it for you.[/quote]

It's crazy that this guy is not in therapy.  He wouldn't even need to cheat if he addressed the issues that cause this compartmentalization and lack of empathy.  He will feel better emotionally and physically and learn to process empathy and get over the trauma inflicted on him in his youth.

However, I guarantee this poster is a troll with a capital T because nobody is letting their spouse cheat over and over with zero concern for their own well-being.  The pp is in need of some serious therapy as well to address why she settles for so little.  This isn't even an agreed upon open marriage situation.  It is incredibly disturbing.[/quote]

Eh. I don’t find this so different than what happens in many families, where there is an implicit DADT or the woman looks the other way. It’s VERY common in many countries and cultures. I’m not saying it’s right or what the women want, but in some places there’s more social acceptance of this kind of situation. The wife is the person who has claim on the property, income, and legal benefits for the kids. The mistress or whore is second tier. This is how women make peace with the situation and by and large it is as stable as a social system where it’s really morally taboo but people do it anyway.[/quote]

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