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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]DH had a year long affair that ended when I found out 3 years ago. I’m just now actually getting to the question of what it means for our marriage. I’m leaning out. The cheating is one thing, the lies, manipulation and gaslighting are another. The gaslighting - on any old topic, not just the affair - is a real thing that has gone on since before the affair and certainly after. I feel like I’m seeing things that were always there for the first time, and they can’t be unseen.

Anyone else BTDT on this dynamic? Did you personally heal? Did you stay? Leave? We have elementary/middle school kids so of course they are a huge factor in my decision process. [/quote]

I found that you can stay if your spouse is being honest and admitting the why it happened. It is easy to blame others but to really do the work is hard. If he is still gaslighting or lying, then you will never heal. However, if you both get to a level of understanding and an understanding that people are flawed, it can get better. It won’t be the marriage that you dreamed of but it can still be good. [/quote]

OP returning here. And thanks for the PP’s diversions. Really helpful discussion. To this poster’s point - DH has only recently decided to do the “real” work. We both papered over the initial gashes to make the pain stop. He has since thought he was doing what he thought was needed and thought we were happy. When I reconnected with a (male) friend, he flipped his lid. That male friend is just a close friend. But DH won’t hear it. [b]Regardless, the words that have been used during daytime hours about positive things about me that then turn into 180’ different and hurtful things after he has been drinking can’t be unheard.[/b] Now he wants to actually do the work. Or says he does. But I think I may just be married to a narcissist and really, I can’t change that. I feel like I just realized I’m the frog in the proverbial boiling pot. [/quote]

He has a substance use problem. Cue all the posters coming in to say no, that's impossible, we don't even know how much he drinks, how often, why, whatever. Here is the bottom line: he keeps drinking despite alcohol having this impact on his behavior and your relationship. That's the definition of a substance use problem.

Al-Anon is on Zoom. Super accessible. You might find something useful there.

I got a postnup and I recommend one to you as well. [/quote]

OP again.

Why a postnup? Is this guy worth staying with for the years it *might* take him to get his shit together while I’m miserable in the meantime and lord knows what the kids see?  That is asked like I have a solid answer and direction, which I don’t. But I guess I’m feeling less afraid of being on my own that I may have in the past. [/quote]

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