Is my DH being honest with me? Do I need to worry about him losing interest?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for the replies. I'm sorry I was gone so long -- Mondays are very busy for me and I honestly had forgotten about this thread until now.

Lots to think about. I know I over-focus on appearance. This has always been true. I also really worry that I might have messed up my metabolism with my old dieting and unhealthy relationship with both diet and exercise.

Also, just to be clear: I already exercise and watch what I eat. I wouldn't say I'm aggressively trying to lose weight, but I'm not being totally unhealthy. The big issues are alcohol and takeout -- I'd have to cut them way down or eliminate them to lose weight, I think. But these are also things my DH loves sharing with me. If I tried to reduce takeout or stopped having wine or beer with dinner, I think it would annoy him because then he would be having those things on his own. But obviously they don't impact him as much -- he's tall and the kind of guy who even if he did put on a little weight, you barely notice. Whereas I'm barely 5'2" and 10 lbs is very noticeable on me, 20 very obvious, and 30... well, I feel fat right now, basically. But I'm very active! I exercise almost daily, I walk everywhere, bike to work in the summer, etc. I think this is just kind of where my body is settling.

Basically I'm happy from a health perspective with my diet and exercise, I know any changes could actually disrupt my relationship, but I still feel insecure about how I look to DH, and also how I look with him. I honestly feel like people might look at us and think "wow, how on earth did she get him?" He's tall with great hair and a strong jaw, just a handsome middle-aged guy. I look dumpy. I put a lot of effort into my clothes and hair and makeup, but at the end of the day my body is just big, my face is a lot rounder than it used to be. I look heavy. I'm not at all the woman he married.

I'm in therapy, I know I have to work on this stuff. I just see him drooling over certain actresses or models and I know what still turns him on, and I don't think it's me. I know he loves me and thinks I'm a good person and a good mom. But I think the spark is dying and I kind of don't blame him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies. I'm sorry I was gone so long -- Mondays are very busy for me and I honestly had forgotten about this thread until now.

Lots to think about. I know I over-focus on appearance. This has always been true. I also really worry that I might have messed up my metabolism with my old dieting and unhealthy relationship with both diet and exercise.

Also, just to be clear: I already exercise and watch what I eat. I wouldn't say I'm aggressively trying to lose weight, but I'm not being totally unhealthy. The big issues are alcohol and takeout -- I'd have to cut them way down or eliminate them to lose weight, I think. But these are also things my DH loves sharing with me. If I tried to reduce takeout or stopped having wine or beer with dinner, I think it would annoy him because then he would be having those things on his own. But obviously they don't impact him as much -- he's tall and the kind of guy who even if he did put on a little weight, you barely notice. Whereas I'm barely 5'2" and 10 lbs is very noticeable on me, 20 very obvious, and 30... well, I feel fat right now, basically. But I'm very active! I exercise almost daily, I walk everywhere, bike to work in the summer, etc. I think this is just kind of where my body is settling.

Basically I'm happy from a health perspective with my diet and exercise, I know any changes could actually disrupt my relationship, but I still feel insecure about how I look to DH, and also how I look with him. I honestly feel like people might look at us and think "wow, how on earth did she get him?" He's tall with great hair and a strong jaw, just a handsome middle-aged guy. I look dumpy. I put a lot of effort into my clothes and hair and makeup, but at the end of the day my body is just big, my face is a lot rounder than it used to be. I look heavy. I'm not at all the woman he married.

I'm in therapy, I know I have to work on this stuff. I just see him drooling over certain actresses or models and I know what still turns him on, and I don't think it's me. I know he loves me and thinks I'm a good person and a good mom. But I think the spark is dying and I kind of don't blame him.

No shade on your husband because a lot of other guys are like this. But my husband has never talked about actresses, models, or what turns him on as it relates to other women. If I ask him he says sure he finds other women attractive. But I have to really dig. He just doesn’t seem to have it on his mind constantly. Whereas he is very expressive about the fact that I turn him on and that he finds me sexy. Being together for a long time and having kids hasn’t changed that. In fact he did not comment much about it when we were dating, but does now that we are married. Partly this is personality, he’s the kind of guy who thinks about what is in his face. Partly it’s character. He’s not obsessed with appearance.

Maybe something to think about in your relationship dynamic. I have never met a guy like your husband — one who commented a lot about the wife’s body while dating, and then a lot about other women and what he likes “in general” — who didn’t make his wife feel very insecure over time. Especially as a woman’s body and looks change so much. Someone who is really focused on appearances and has specific taste seems like they would press all your buttons, OP. Might be good to think less about him and more about you and how you FEEL about yourself.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I have a very open communication style which might result in hurt feelings by others. Before marriage we both talked about future weight gain and have a policy where we can express concern when the other partner might need to focus on some weight loss. So far it’s come up once for each of us after one or both gained too much weight. We haven’t had disordered eating in the past so don’t think it’s a good policy for most people but it works for us. We have reasonable expectations and it’s important for us to stay within a certain range. Most people might find this offensive and shallow but we have a lot of respect for each other and feel comfortable talking about this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies. I'm sorry I was gone so long -- Mondays are very busy for me and I honestly had forgotten about this thread until now.

Lots to think about. I know I over-focus on appearance. This has always been true. I also really worry that I might have messed up my metabolism with my old dieting and unhealthy relationship with both diet and exercise.

Also, just to be clear: I already exercise and watch what I eat. I wouldn't say I'm aggressively trying to lose weight, but I'm not being totally unhealthy. The big issues are alcohol and takeout -- I'd have to cut them way down or eliminate them to lose weight, I think. But these are also things my DH loves sharing with me. If I tried to reduce takeout or stopped having wine or beer with dinner, I think it would annoy him because then he would be having those things on his own. But obviously they don't impact him as much -- he's tall and the kind of guy who even if he did put on a little weight, you barely notice. Whereas I'm barely 5'2" and 10 lbs is very noticeable on me, 20 very obvious, and 30... well, I feel fat right now, basically. But I'm very active! I exercise almost daily, I walk everywhere, bike to work in the summer, etc. I think this is just kind of where my body is settling.

Basically I'm happy from a health perspective with my diet and exercise, I know any changes could actually disrupt my relationship, but I still feel insecure about how I look to DH, and also how I look with him. I honestly feel like people might look at us and think "wow, how on earth did she get him?" He's tall with great hair and a strong jaw, just a handsome middle-aged guy. I look dumpy. I put a lot of effort into my clothes and hair and makeup, but at the end of the day my body is just big, my face is a lot rounder than it used to be. I look heavy. I'm not at all the woman he married.

I'm in therapy, I know I have to work on this stuff. I just see him drooling over certain actresses or models and I know what still turns him on, and I don't think it's me. I know he loves me and thinks I'm a good person and a good mom. But I think the spark is dying and I kind of don't blame him.

OP, your posts aren’t that easy to follow. On the one hand you say you are healthy and watch what you eat, but then you say you have alcohol and take out. Then you say if you stopped consuming those things it would annoy your husband. Then you flip and say you’re happy with your diet and exercise and that any changes could disrupt your relationship. What exactly does that mean, and is it a good thing or bad thing? Because right now you don’t seem happy with your relationship. You said in your original post that your husband has been a source of support when you’ve had body issues. Now you say you think he valued you more when you were smoking hot and now he’s drooling over models. That doesn’t even sound like the same person.

If you can articulate what you want, then go with that. If losing weight and having more of that chiseled face look like your husband would make you feel better, then go for it. If maintaining the status quo of take out and beer suits you better, then enjoy those things with him, embrace your healthy but larger self and move on. If you are upset that your husband isn’t as supportive as he used to be, then try to communicate with him about that. You need to identify what you want and be your own agent of change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies. I'm sorry I was gone so long -- Mondays are very busy for me and I honestly had forgotten about this thread until now.

Lots to think about. I know I over-focus on appearance. This has always been true. I also really worry that I might have messed up my metabolism with my old dieting and unhealthy relationship with both diet and exercise.

Also, just to be clear: I already exercise and watch what I eat. I wouldn't say I'm aggressively trying to lose weight, but I'm not being totally unhealthy. The big issues are alcohol and takeout -- I'd have to cut them way down or eliminate them to lose weight, I think. But these are also things my DH loves sharing with me. If I tried to reduce takeout or stopped having wine or beer with dinner, I think it would annoy him because then he would be having those things on his own. But obviously they don't impact him as much -- he's tall and the kind of guy who even if he did put on a little weight, you barely notice. Whereas I'm barely 5'2" and 10 lbs is very noticeable on me, 20 very obvious, and 30... well, I feel fat right now, basically. But I'm very active! I exercise almost daily, I walk everywhere, bike to work in the summer, etc. I think this is just kind of where my body is settling.

Basically I'm happy from a health perspective with my diet and exercise, I know any changes could actually disrupt my relationship, but I still feel insecure about how I look to DH, and also how I look with him. I honestly feel like people might look at us and think "wow, how on earth did she get him?" He's tall with great hair and a strong jaw, just a handsome middle-aged guy. I look dumpy. I put a lot of effort into my clothes and hair and makeup, but at the end of the day my body is just big, my face is a lot rounder than it used to be. I look heavy. I'm not at all the woman he married.

I'm in therapy, I know I have to work on this stuff. I just see him drooling over certain actresses or models and I know what still turns him on, and I don't think it's me. I know he loves me and thinks I'm a good person and a good mom. But I think the spark is dying and I kind of don't blame him.

You can still share those communal indulgences with him (alcohol/takeout). Just reduce your portion. Have half a glass of wine instead of 2-3 beers. Have a papaya salad from the Thai place instead of a heavy curry.

[Anonymous]

Either your DH is kind of a jerk or you are projecting a lot of your insecurities onto him. Have you talked to him about any of this? From your posts, it doesn’t sound like he’s said anything to you about your appearance OR that’d he be annoyed with less takeout and alcohol.

To be honest, you would probably both feel better with less takeout and alcohol. I think that is going to catch up to him someday. He might even have bad cholesterol or blood sugar right now even though he looks great on the outside.

I do think confidence would help you in the bedroom, no matter what you weigh. It sounds like maybe your insecurity is getting in the way of your sex life as much or maybe more so than what your husband thinks of your weight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, these posters are coddling you. He loves you, but yes, he notices.

So? Nobody stays the same! We all get older, if lucky. Women's bodies change . Particularity if you have had children. My dh isn't the same and we all notice. But I wouldn't leave or cheat on him because of that.

That is the difference.

Yeah, but the ideal is that you age at roughly the same pace. She said her husband looks the same while she's aging quickly. Control what you can, and it sounds like she's debating on whether to exert control over what she can improve. It's a good idea.

No that’s not the ideal because it’s not normal. Men often (maybe typically) stay looking “better” longer because of womens’ change in fat distribution and menopause. Yes there are exceptions and yay you but thanks to biology many women and men just have to deal with an attractiveness disparity between the ages of maybe 45-55. And it’s fine. Most of us are not partnered with somebody who embodies all of our ideal attributes.

Personally I want to be one of those women who is confident in who they are and comfortable in their own skin rather than consigning themselves to steady dinners of broccoli and half a chicken breast just so their husband thinks they look hot. IMO those women and the husbands who are proud of them are pathetic.

Women who want to took hot for their husbands are pathetic? Wow. You have some deep-seated self-esteem issues that you are projecting on to other women.

Yes, women who take extreme measures so their husbands will be attracted to them are pathetic (although I do also just feel bad for them). They’re the ones with self-esteem issues, not me. I will continue to love and respect my body no matter what and if my husband isn’t on board that’s his issue and not mine.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you feel comfortable and confident that your husband loves you.

1) you are worried that your weight gain has made you less attractive to him

2) you feel compelled to eat takeout and drink every day in order to not "annoy" him

Honestly from the perspective of someone in a calm and living marriage, that sounds insane. What do you want? Are you really putting on the extra weight bc you are terrified that if you order a salad and have just a sip of wine he will be annoyed with you as a partner?

How do you actually want to live in your body?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for the replies. I'm sorry I was gone so long -- Mondays are very busy for me and I honestly had forgotten about this thread until now.

Lots to think about. I know I over-focus on appearance. This has always been true. I also really worry that I might have messed up my metabolism with my old dieting and unhealthy relationship with both diet and exercise.

Also, just to be clear: I already exercise and watch what I eat. I wouldn't say I'm aggressively trying to lose weight, but I'm not being totally unhealthy. The big issues are alcohol and takeout -- I'd have to cut them way down or eliminate them to lose weight, I think. But these are also things my DH loves sharing with me. If I tried to reduce takeout or stopped having wine or beer with dinner, I think it would annoy him because then he would be having those things on his own. But obviously they don't impact him as much -- he's tall and the kind of guy who even if he did put on a little weight, you barely notice. Whereas I'm barely 5'2" and 10 lbs is very noticeable on me, 20 very obvious, and 30... well, I feel fat right now, basically. But I'm very active! I exercise almost daily, I walk everywhere, bike to work in the summer, etc. I think this is just kind of where my body is settling.

Basically I'm happy from a health perspective with my diet and exercise, I know any changes could actually disrupt my relationship, but I still feel insecure about how I look to DH, and also how I look with him. I honestly feel like people might look at us and think "wow, how on earth did she get him?" He's tall with great hair and a strong jaw, just a handsome middle-aged guy. I look dumpy. I put a lot of effort into my clothes and hair and makeup, but at the end of the day my body is just big, my face is a lot rounder than it used to be. I look heavy. I'm not at all the woman he married.

I'm in therapy, I know I have to work on this stuff. I just see him drooling over certain actresses or models and I know what still turns him on, and I don't think it's me. I know he loves me and thinks I'm a good person and a good mom. But I think the spark is dying and I kind of don't blame him.

Op, how old are you all? This is just so, so immature I’m wondering. You have very young kids, right? Look, you’re going to get so much busier and hectic you won’t have time for this nonsense. Get strong, eat healthy and give the man a blow job. Stop overthinking this. You think your husband is some amazing hot catch. Good. Others likely don’t. He chose you. Now, move along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he loves you but why NOT try harder to lose 10 pounds? Baby weight does come off if you really try.

Please don't listen to the try harder poster. If you want to lose the weight do it for you not your dh. Go to your doctor and get their advice. They would tell you if you asked if you were a healthy weight. As for your dh if he is that shallow to leave you than either he is or isn't and I personally wouldn't worry about that. He could end up leaving you for a host of other reasons and you will drive yourself crazy trying to please him.

Please DO listen to the try harder advice. It is true: eat fewer calories you WILL lose that unattractive weight.

[Anonymous]

OP, people are being overly rude to.

I have a 10-15 lb range that I've fluctuated back and forth with for years. I'm 5'8 but have small bones and I feel very different at the lower weight than my high end.

Everyone likes a hot body- doesn't mean he isn't in love with you still, it means he is human. Though sounds like he needs to be more subtle about checking out other women!

It sounds like you can lose the weight if you cut down on alcohol & takeout... Takeout can be fairly healthy depending on where you're ordering from. I rarely eat a restaurant sized entree, it's usually good for two meals.
You don't have to drink much if your husband is drinking- drink, glass of water (or something zero calorie with fizz) etc.

Losing muscle mass is part of getting older but if you focus on strength training - compound exercises @ heavy weight- you'll look better & lose weight faster.

Also it sounds like you just don't feel hot anymore- I'd consider a few easy things to look better, hotness isn't just about your body. Many will disagree but I love Botox (not frozen looking), whiten teeth, good skincare (retinols, vitamin C serum in AM, sunscreen always), daily lotion w self Tanner & doing your hair & makeup everyday. Nothing makes me feel unattractive like the day's I stay in leggings with no makeup working from home!

Ease up on yourself & good luck

[Anonymous]

Worry, honey. And fix it. If you know what he likes and you want to keep him, fix it.