Is my DH being honest with me? Do I need to worry about him losing interest?

[Anonymous]

When I met my DH, I was at the thinnest I've ever been, thanks to obsessive exercise and a borderline eating disorder. It was unhealthy physically and mentally. I suffered a sport injury after we'd been together about a year, and I also really struggled with my self-esteem. I gained about 10 lbs while rehabbing that injury (some of it surely muscle gain but also just getting back to a more sustainable weight), and then another 10 over the next few years. Not like massive weight gain, and I was exercising and doing a lot of strength training so I wasn't getting unhealthy. I was probably just moving to what is a more healthy natural weight for me -- closer to what my weight was like before I'd lost all the weight loss, but also much stronger and more fit all around.

Part of why I was able to do this is my DH was super supportive. He knew about my insecurities and eating issues and really encouraged me to be healthy. He made me feel loved and desired at a higher weight. It was really great and it helped me finally get over a lot of the negative self talk I'd had for years.

Cut to several years later. I had a baby, and unsurprisingly, the baby weight did not melt off. My body has changed. I look a lot more like I did back in my 20s -- like I'm carrying 20-25 extra pounds, and not like someone who is in great shape but naturally a bit bigger.

My DH doesn't compliment my body like he used to, but he's not critical. He was very supportive during and after my pregnancy. We both love food AND exercise, and he's supportive in me continuing to eat a pretty normal (i.e. not restrictive) diet and also encourages me to exercise.

But I also can't help but notice that he is REALLY into women who have bodies like I used to have. Both the way I looked when we met (thin, very fit, boobs) and how I was pre-baby (curvy, very fit, big boobs). I wonder if he's unhappy with how my body has changed. I don't think he'd ever say anything, but I just don't get the positive feedback I once did. It's been over 3 years since my baby was born and I'm not sure I'm every getting back to where I was.

Do I need to worry about this. He's a very visual guy and a lot of our attraction was based on him thinking I was smoking hot all through our dating years and the early part of our marriage. I'm looking more like a middle aged lady every day. He pretty much looks the same. Am I crazy for being stressed about this?

[Anonymous]

Honestly? Yes, you should get back in shape. I recommend you follow a training plan or work with a trainer so you don't overdo it. Sounds like it's more about fitness than weight for him which is good. My DH likes me better with a few extra pounds / not stick thin, but still fit.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he loves you but why NOT try harder to lose 10 pounds? Baby weight does come off if you really try.

[Anonymous]

Whenever you see young women who are in the dating scene, they all work out Uber hard. If you have had some life experience, you realize that level of effort is not sustainable over time, due to jobs, kids, life, etc. It is just a matter of time before they look like, …… us.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to shift your focus. I doubt you were as smoking hot as you imagine your were and I doubt your husband is this shallow. You sound ridiculous. Sorry but come on. Calm down. I weighed 120 when I met my husband and I look really good at 140. If that’s you, you’re fine, think about something else and move along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he loves you but why NOT try harder to lose 10 pounds? Baby weight does come off if you really try.

Please don't listen to the try harder poster. If you want to lose the weight do it for you not your dh. Go to your doctor and get their advice. They would tell you if you asked if you were a healthy weight. As for your dh if he is that shallow to leave you than either he is or isn't and I personally wouldn't worry about that. He could end up leaving you for a host of other reasons and you will drive yourself crazy trying to please him.

[Anonymous]

Given your history of thinking that physical appearance makes you more lovable or worthy, perhaps you need to see a therapist and talk this through. Taking better care of yourself starts from the inside.

If you do this you’ll probably not depend on emotional satisfaction from food as much and you might find a new equilibrium. But yes, our bodies change after giving birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to shift your focus. I doubt you were as smoking hot as you imagine your were and I doubt your husband is this shallow. You sound ridiculous. Sorry but come on. Calm down. I weighed 120 when I met my husband and I look really good at 140. If that’s you, you’re fine, think about something else and move along.

There's probably a combination of things here:

1. OP is hyper aware of her weight and physical attractiveness, so she's probably hyper aware that she looks different post baby as most of us do
2. OP said her DH is very visual, and I believe her. If he was always telling OP how hot she was but now no longer tells her this, all the while checking out other women who OP used to look like, then I would probably think the same thing, especially since #1.

But OP knows her DH best. Does he seem like the kind of person who could cheat? Do you think he loves you unconditionally?

IMO, OP, I think you need to learn to love yourself as is. IF your DH no longer finds you attractive, then he is not worthy of you.

I'm a lot older than you (I have teens), and I was always very slim/petite. FF two babies + csection, I have the dreaded mother's apron and a squishy belly. BUT DH always tells me how he loves my body because it produced two kids for him and it's a part of me. He rubs my squishy belly in bed, and I hate it when he does that, but he says he loves that part of me because of what it went through. He goes out of his way to make me feel beautiful.

If your DH is not doing that, then IMO, he's selfish and shallow. Every DH should make their wives feel loved and beautiful.

But, you need to work on your mental health. Love yourself first. if he cheats or leaves you, then you need to be strong. I used to have very low self confidence in my appearance even though I have been told that I was pretty. when I look at pictures of my old self, I see that I was pretty.. what the heck was I so insecure about. I wasted so much time/energy on feeling down on my looks.

Whatever happens, you have to learn to love yourself and be strong, especially since you now have a child. Do what you need to do to feel good about yourself. Don't worry about what your DH might do or how he feels about your body. Do it for you, and your baby.

[Anonymous]

So much here…

If your marriage is based on you having the same body forever, then you’re doomed. You will age, baby or no.

That said, if you’re hanging onto a lot of excess weight or your muscles are really out of shape, you can do something about that. It can be hard for a mom to have really low body fat, but it’s not that hard to be curvy and toned.

Also, what do you mean your husband is really into other women? How is this coming up on a regular basis? That seems odd.

And what do you mean you’re not getting positive feedback? Does he not want to have sex with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given your history of thinking that physical appearance makes you more lovable or worthy, perhaps you need to see a therapist and talk this through. Taking better care of yourself starts from the inside.

If you do this you’ll probably not depend on emotional satisfaction from food as much and you might find a new equilibrium. But yes, our bodies change after giving birth.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Your husband loves you and won’t leave you. If you want to lose a little weight to make yourself or him happy go for it. He doesn’t love you bc of ten pounds either way, but might appreciate the result.

[Anonymous]

OP, these posters are coddling you. He loves you, but yes, he notices.

[Anonymous]

The thing is you both will age, and that's not attractive. What is he going to do then? For health reasons I would try and lose the weight, and make sure I have a plan b if I did end up divorced. Honestly if my DH wants to leave me because I gained 20 extra lbs then I married wrong OP.
For one question yourself o n why your self esteem is so low. And why does having a man validate you so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, these posters are coddling you. He loves you, but yes, he notices.

Bingo. Of course he notices. Also, your appearance seems to matter a lot to you. Why not make fitness a bigger priority?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, these posters are coddling you. He loves you, but yes, he notices.

Exactly. He's not attracted to you the same way. And guess what you are t attracted to him the same way either. That's life in a long term relationship. Doesn't mean he's not attracted to you. The same way it doesn't mean you aren't attracted to him. You e just reached a different level in your relationship. Nobody is leaving or cheating, but yeah you both notice the hot fit body and fantasize.