Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I needed to hear this. Thank you.

Me too. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so helpful. My dad is 80 and lives alone, about 45 mins from me. Last night, when the power went out because of the winter storm, his response was simply to get into bed and go to sleep. Yikes. I had offered for him to come over to our place ahead of the storm, but he had said nope, he wanted to stay put. The power came on at some point during the night, but I’m sitting here thinking, what if it hadn’t?

A few years ago the power was out in our area for over a week. It maybe got into the 50s in the house after all those days. You don’t die of hypothermia in your bed when the power goes out overnight!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here with “well I’ll just go to sleep dad.” — Hypothermia.

In bed? With blankets? Doubtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here with “well I’ll just go to sleep dad.” — Hypothermia.

No offense, pp, but your dad would not die of hypothermia in his bed from one night without power in this area. He has clothes and blankets. He’d be fine.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have lived this same parental slo-mo death drama and it almost killed me - the stress literally ruined my health. You are right to throw your hands up and let your parent die in the manner they prefer - even if they are crazy.

I think sometimes we are more too worried about what people will think about us and how we 'care' for our parents. If your parent insists on calling the shots until the bitter end, you must let them. Let go and let God.

That being said, I really think that the government needs to give more resources to elderly people in decline. Few families have the resources to provide a safety net.

[Anonymous]

Covid has probably been a blessing to many families in this type of situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have lived this same parental slo-mo death drama and it almost killed me - the stress literally ruined my health. You are right to throw your hands up and let your parent die in the manner they prefer - even if they are crazy.

I think sometimes we are more too worried about what people will think about us and how we 'care' for our parents. If your parent insists on calling the shots until the bitter end, you must let them. Let go and let God.

That being said, I really think that the government needs to give more resources to elderly people in decline. Few families have the resources to provide a safety net.[/quote]

So true. The care options are deplorable and are only getting worse. You cannot sustain a growing elderly poplulation without the human resources to do the work. No one wants to change adult diapers, deal with dementia nastiness, last-minute overtime, and risk their own health (pulled muscles, bad backs from lifting, exposure to illness) for a whopping $11-15 per hour with no benefits.

Corporations have taken control of elder care and see it as nothing more than a cash cow, not only draining individual's incomes but (legally) exploiting every lucrative loophole they can find in Medicare/Medicaid.

[Anonymous]

PP here worried about dad - thank you to those who reassured me re hypothermia. I still wouldn't want him sleeping without heat overnight, but that's good to know it wouldn't get as cold as I was imagining.

[Anonymous]

Yes OP - one thousand times YES.

My teenagers and I were living with my elderly mother, and while she said she wanted and needed my help, she refused to take care of herself and constantly put herself in harms way. She drank 2-3 glasses of wine a night against doctor's orders b/c of meds, literally climbed ladders to fix things, refused to use her cane, refused to wear a mask. refused her medication. I was POA and she was showing signs of dementia, was a fall risk (fell several tines resulting in broken bones, but would deny falling), and refused to accept any boundaries I tried to set for me or my teenagers. It was the worst period of my adult life and I very nearly had a nervous breakdown. She agreed to move into AL (she could well afford it), I helped her find a lovely place she liked,. But within the first month she stopped speaking to me and demonized me for "putting her away."


Long story short, she cut off all communication with us, and convinced many of our extended family that we were out to get her. Her efforts worked - many of our family has cut contact with us. But now my kids and I are much happier and healthier living on our own, doing lots of therapy, and frankly not worrying about my mother any longer.

She decided to stay in the AL home. We moved to a new place in a neighborhood better suited to our needs and lifestyle. And I'm so glad not to be responsible for her care and wellbeing. It was a thankless, horrible job.

So yeah, I should've done what's best for me and my kids years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP - one thousand times YES.

My teenagers and I were living with my elderly mother, and while she said she wanted and needed my help, she refused to take care of herself and constantly put herself in harms way. She drank 2-3 glasses of wine a night against doctor's orders b/c of meds, literally climbed ladders to fix things, refused to use her cane, refused to wear a mask. refused her medication. I was POA and she was showing signs of dementia, was a fall risk (fell several tines resulting in broken bones, but would deny falling), and refused to accept any boundaries I tried to set for me or my teenagers. It was the worst period of my adult life and I very nearly had a nervous breakdown. She agreed to move into AL (she could well afford it), I helped her find a lovely place she liked,. But within the first month she stopped speaking to me and demonized me for "putting her away."


Long story short, she cut off all communication with us, and convinced many of our extended family that we were out to get her. Her efforts worked - many of our family has cut contact with us. But now my kids and I are much happier and healthier living on our own, doing lots of therapy, and frankly not worrying about my mother any longer.

She decided to stay in the AL home. We moved to a new place in a neighborhood better suited to our needs and lifestyle. And I'm so glad not to be responsible for her care and wellbeing. It was a thankless, horrible job.

So yeah, I should've done what's best for me and my kids years ago.

I so relate to being demonized when my health could not take it anymore. Mom has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen. I certainly hope these people know me and know her well enough to understand something is horribly wrong with her side of the story, but I just gave up caring because I had to muzzle the people pleaser inside of me and just take back my mental health. There is a freedom in knowing she has told everyone how awful I am after years of being at her beckon call. I finally realized I could keep killing myself at the expense of the family I created and she would not appreciate it or I could back off and set major boundaries and she would not appreciate me. Much easier to do the latter and reclaim my life and my priorities. She is a stubborn, rigid and at times downright abusive woman and it gets worse with age. It is what it is. If she dies falling in her home and people blame me then that's between them and God.If I kept doing what I was doing I was convinced she would outlive me by a lot. I will get therapy to deal with the scorn and judgment of others and remind myself of the decade I spent helping and how that turned out.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, OP. I needed to hear this too.

My MIL has late stage dementia and is aggressive and mean. But my FIL, her full time caregiver, insists on keeping her at home as he thinks she would have wanted, even though he really can’t properly care for her himself. We check on them often, offer as much help as we can but we can’t force FIL to have MIL live in a dementia care unit. He refuses. The stress of it is destroying FIL’s health as well. It’s very hard watching their decline. But I think my husband and I have just accepted that this is how it will be and we do our best to help where we can even though they refuse most help.

My SIL who lives abroad and hasn’t seen ILs in 2.5 years gives us a hard time about not helping them more and it makes us feel guilty due to our own worries and fears and regret about the situation even though we know that she’s in no position to judge us.

I will look into the book recommended above. Thanks PPs who recommended it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP - one thousand times YES.

My teenagers and I were living with my elderly mother, and while she said she wanted and needed my help, she refused to take care of herself and constantly put herself in harms way. She drank 2-3 glasses of wine a night against doctor's orders b/c of meds, literally climbed ladders to fix things, refused to use her cane, refused to wear a mask. refused her medication. I was POA and she was showing signs of dementia, was a fall risk (fell several tines resulting in broken bones, but would deny falling), and refused to accept any boundaries I tried to set for me or my teenagers. It was the worst period of my adult life and I very nearly had a nervous breakdown. She agreed to move into AL (she could well afford it), I helped her find a lovely place she liked,. But within the first month she stopped speaking to me and demonized me for "putting her away."


Long story short, she cut off all communication with us, and convinced many of our extended family that we were out to get her. Her efforts worked - many of our family has cut contact with us. But now my kids and I are much happier and healthier living on our own, doing lots of therapy, and frankly not worrying about my mother any longer.

She decided to stay in the AL home. We moved to a new place in a neighborhood better suited to our needs and lifestyle. And I'm so glad not to be responsible for her care and wellbeing. It was a thankless, horrible job.

So yeah, I should've done what's best for me and my kids years ago.

I so relate to being demonized when my health could not take it anymore. Mom has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen. I certainly hope these people know me and know her well enough to understand something is horribly wrong with her side of the story, but I just gave up caring because I had to muzzle the people pleaser inside of me and just take back my mental health. There is a freedom in knowing she has told everyone how awful I am after years of being at her beckon call. I finally realized I could keep killing myself at the expense of the family I created and she would not appreciate it or I could back off and set major boundaries and she would not appreciate me. Much easier to do the latter and reclaim my life and my priorities. She is a stubborn, rigid and at times downright abusive woman and it gets worse with age. It is what it is. If she dies falling in her home and people blame me then that's between them and God.If I kept doing what I was doing I was convinced she would outlive me by a lot. I will get therapy to deal with the scorn and judgment of others and remind myself of the decade I spent helping and how that turned out.

21:19 here. I am so sorry. We are the members of a horrible club. I think this happens more than people realize. For me it was seeing my kids clearly suffer that forced me to stand up to my mother. Otherwise, I probably would've put up with her abuse for a lot longer. Being a "good daughter" should not mean sacrificing your autonomy, dreams, or life. I'm shocked at how many people bought her act, and now refuse to speak to me. But I also have wonderful, authentic friendships with people who truly care about me. My kids are happier, and I am happier. There was a grieving process for sure, but I've moved on. I have a great job, my kids are doing well, and we are not beholden to my elderly mom or her cabal. FWIW, my dad died peacefully and quickly from a brief illness several years ago. I'm grateful he doesn't have to see this. And it's also taught me how I don't want to be when I'm old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here with “well I’ll just go to sleep dad.” — Hypothermia.

No offense, pp, but your dad would not die of hypothermia in his bed from one night without power in this area. He has clothes and blankets. He’d be fine.

The elderly cannot temperature regulate like healthy adults. Good chance even in one night, he could have died of hypothermia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes OP - one thousand times YES.

My teenagers and I were living with my elderly mother, and while she said she wanted and needed my help, she refused to take care of herself and constantly put herself in harms way. She drank 2-3 glasses of wine a night against doctor's orders b/c of meds, literally climbed ladders to fix things, refused to use her cane, refused to wear a mask. refused her medication. I was POA and she was showing signs of dementia, was a fall risk (fell several tines resulting in broken bones, but would deny falling), and refused to accept any boundaries I tried to set for me or my teenagers. It was the worst period of my adult life and I very nearly had a nervous breakdown. She agreed to move into AL (she could well afford it), I helped her find a lovely place she liked,. But within the first month she stopped speaking to me and demonized me for "putting her away."


Long story short, she cut off all communication with us, and convinced many of our extended family that we were out to get her. Her efforts worked - many of our family has cut contact with us. But now my kids and I are much happier and healthier living on our own, doing lots of therapy, and frankly not worrying about my mother any longer.

She decided to stay in the AL home. We moved to a new place in a neighborhood better suited to our needs and lifestyle. And I'm so glad not to be responsible for her care and wellbeing. It was a thankless, horrible job.

So yeah, I should've done what's best for me and my kids years ago.

I’m SO happy for you PP. From one ‘demon’ to another, you are doing the right thing! Thankless and horrible does not even start to describe it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here with “well I’ll just go to sleep dad.” — Hypothermia.

No offense, pp, but your dad would not die of hypothermia in his bed from one night without power in this area. He has clothes and blankets. He’d be fine.

The elderly cannot temperature regulate like healthy adults. Good chance even in one night, he could have died of hypothermia.

The elderly are not reptiles. They won't die in a 50 degree house.