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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yes OP - one thousand times YES.

My teenagers and I were living with my elderly mother, and while she said she wanted and needed my help, she refused to take care of herself and constantly put herself in harms way. She drank 2-3 glasses of wine a night against doctor's orders b/c of meds, literally climbed ladders to fix things, refused to use her cane, refused to wear a mask. refused her medication. I was POA and she was showing signs of dementia, was a fall risk (fell several tines resulting in broken bones, but would deny falling), and refused to accept any boundaries I tried to set for me or my teenagers.  It was the worst period of my adult life and I very nearly had a nervous breakdown. She agreed to move into AL (she could well afford it), I helped her find a lovely place she liked,. But within the first month she stopped speaking to me and demonized me for "putting her away."

Long story short, she cut off all communication with us, and convinced many of our extended family that we were out to get her. Her efforts worked - many of our family has cut contact with us. But now my kids and I are much happier and healthier living on our own, doing lots of therapy, and frankly not worrying about my mother any longer.

She decided to stay in the AL home. We moved to a new place in a neighborhood better suited to our needs and lifestyle. And I'm so glad not to be responsible for her care and wellbeing. It was a thankless, horrible job.

So yeah, I should've done what's best for me and my kids years ago.
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I so relate to being demonized when my health could not take it anymore. Mom has badmouthed me to anyone who will listen. I certainly hope these people know me and know her well enough to understand something is horribly wrong with her side of the story, but I just gave up caring because I had to muzzle the people pleaser inside of me and just take back my mental health. There is a freedom in knowing she has told everyone how awful I am after years of being at her beckon call. I finally realized I could keep killing myself at the expense of the family I created and she would not appreciate it or I could back off and set major boundaries and she would not appreciate me. Much easier to do the latter and reclaim my life and my priorities. She is a stubborn, rigid and at times downright abusive woman and it gets worse with age. It is what it is. If she dies falling in her home and people blame me then that's between them and God.If I kept doing what I was doing I was convinced she would outlive me by a lot. I will get therapy to deal with the scorn and judgment of others and remind myself of the decade I spent helping and how that turned out.[/quote]

21:19 here. I am so sorry. We are the members of a horrible club. I think this happens more than people realize. For me it was seeing my kids clearly suffer that forced me to stand up to my mother. Otherwise, I probably would've put up with her abuse for a lot longer. Being a "good daughter" should not mean sacrificing your autonomy, dreams, or life. I'm shocked at how many people bought her act, and now refuse to speak to me. But I also have wonderful, authentic friendships with people who truly care about me. My kids are happier, and I am happier. There was a grieving process for sure, but I've moved on. I have a great job, my kids are doing well, and we are not beholden to my elderly mom or her cabal. FWIW, my dad died peacefully and quickly from a brief illness several years ago. I'm grateful he doesn't have to see this. And it's also taught me how I don't want to be when I'm old. [/quote]

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