Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way

[Anonymous]

This is so true. I had to make peace with the fact that my parent made their own choice and was of sound (enough) mind so that I could not intervene. For a few years I lived with the knowledge that something bad would happen when alone in the house, and it did, and led to parent's death. It was indeed on their chosen terms.

[Anonymous]

Second the book "Being Mortal."

Also, remember that your children are watching you and will learn from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Second the book "Being Mortal."

Also, remember that your children are watching you and will learn from you.

Yes, and to those with nasty, abusive parents please, please set boundaries while your children are watching. Too often on this board I have seen this used as a threat, as though we must do ourselves in even for an abusive parent so our kids will care for us. Teach your kids abuse is not OK and we set limits.

Also, my own mother and father watched their parents take good care of grandparents and they still did little to nothing for their own parents. They watched, saw the burnout and misery and said "no thank you." Our kids need to see us balance it by also exercising self-care and when possible hiring help and case managers and nurses aides rather than doing ourselves in and being filled with resentment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The book "Being Mortal" discusses this idea. As the children of aging parents we want to prioritize safety over everything else but the elder may prioritize autonomy/independence. And that may be the best thing. A possibly shorter life but lived on one's own terms. I know when I think of aging myself, I'd pick the shorter life if the alternative is safe isolation in a nursing home

Such a great book, and helped me through some tough circumstances. The accompanying Frontline episode is terrific as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I needed to hear this. Thank you.

Me too. I learned this the hard way this month. My mother is upset because she says she’s jealous of her sister who is getting all the attention. The woman is on her death bed from cancer. WTF? So I took my elderly father out to buy him a new lift chair so that he could get up when he needed to, to go to the bathroom. Had such a nice time with him. Focus on those who welcome your input.

God bless you both!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Call me selfish, or pragmatic, but this hasn't bothered me too much.

I call you lucky!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I struggled with this for years until the one specialised nurse pulled me aside in the drive way one day. She knew I was wrecking myself trying to keep things safe and right. She told me it was determined that Mom was cognitive enough to make her own choices. While they are not safe choices or the ones most would make, for now at least she gets to make them. I think she was the only one ever who implied this mess was not my fault or responsibility. While dozens of others constantly breathed down my neck that I needed to do more or better.

I can’t stress the bolded enough! I was just told the same thing. I DID feel it was my fault and my responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I struggled with this for years until the one specialised nurse pulled me aside in the drive way one day. She knew I was wrecking myself trying to keep things safe and right. She told me it was determined that Mom was cognitive enough to make her own choices. While they are not safe choices or the ones most would make, for now at least she gets to make them. I think she was the only one ever who implied this mess was not my fault or responsibility. While dozens of others constantly breathed down my neck that I needed to do more or better.

I can’t stress the bolded enough! I was just told the same thing. I DID feel it was my fault and my responsibility.

That nurse is a Godsend and the people who blame the adult children need to step in and try it out for a bit. I am so sick of people thinking I have a magic wand. I am so glad there are angels out there who get it and supported you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I struggled with this for years until the one specialised nurse pulled me aside in the drive way one day. She knew I was wrecking myself trying to keep things safe and right. She told me it was determined that Mom was cognitive enough to make her own choices. While they are not safe choices or the ones most would make, for now at least she gets to make them. I think she was the only one ever who implied this mess was not my fault or responsibility. While dozens of others constantly breathed down my neck that I needed to do more or better.

I can’t stress the bolded enough! I was just told the same thing. I DID feel it was my fault and my responsibility.

That nurse is a Godsend and the people who blame the adult children need to step in and try it out for a bit. I am so sick of people thinking I have a magic wand. I am so glad there are angels out there who get it and supported you both.

Thank you from me and I'm glad that PP has found peace. So true about the magic wand. My favorite people are the ones who know little detail and offer big advice

[Anonymous]

The other thread is fun! People offering 'helpful' advice that is completely incorrect.

[Anonymous]

This thread is so helpful. My dad is 80 and lives alone, about 45 mins from me. Last night, when the power went out because of the winter storm, his response was simply to get into bed and go to sleep. Yikes. I had offered for him to come over to our place ahead of the storm, but he had said nope, he wanted to stay put. The power came on at some point during the night, but I’m sitting here thinking, what if it hadn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so helpful. My dad is 80 and lives alone, about 45 mins from me. Last night, when the power went out because of the winter storm, his response was simply to get into bed and go to sleep. Yikes. I had offered for him to come over to our place ahead of the storm, but he had said nope, he wanted to stay put. The power came on at some point during the night, but I’m sitting here thinking, what if it hadn’t?

What would have happened to your dad if the power didn't come on?

[Anonymous]

PP here with “well I’ll just go to sleep dad.” — Hypothermia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My FIL has advanced Parkinson’s. We do what we can to make sure his home is safe. He and my MIL live 2 miles from us and will not give up their home. FIL is very, very unsteady on his feet. Has difficult speaking and swallowing. And also has a serious heart condition plus leukemia. He plays 18 holes of golf three times a week. We have just accepted that he’ll die on the golf course doing what he loves. There are worse ways to go.

I have a friend that died on the golf course and I consider that to be the BEST way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is so helpful. My dad is 80 and lives alone, about 45 mins from me. Last night, when the power went out because of the winter storm, his response was simply to get into bed and go to sleep. Yikes. I had offered for him to come over to our place ahead of the storm, but he had said nope, he wanted to stay put. The power came on at some point during the night, but I’m sitting here thinking, what if it hadn’t?

This exactly happened to my in laws during the last storm. I absolutely do not understand it but I can’t control them.