Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way

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01/16/2022 10:36

Subject: Letting go of making sure they die in the safest way

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Anonymous

Hope this helps someone. One thing I had to learn after over a decade of sandwich generation aggravation is to let go of making sure any stubborn family member dies in the safest situation possible. If they are of sound mind and refuse residential and scare off any careworkers who come to their home it is not on you to rescue and come and babysit at the expense of being there for the family you created and your job, etc. If they have dementia, but when of sound mind insisted they must be at home in their house of horrors then that is their choice. If you are able to over-ride that as medical POA or by getting guardianship or whatever, more power to you, but for many of us the endless tantrums just take their toll after years. The issue becomes you must make sure they don't kill someone else so at some point they may not be able to drive or cook. So you disable everything and they refuse a driving service and they won't eat the meals on wheels. It's hell. I had to learn to accept it could one day be death by falling down the steps or death by refusing to eat the food provided or death by a stroke that happens and nobody is there to help because all help was scared off. Those deaths are deaths on their terms. Is it so much better to force the residential and keep being saved over and over. When they fall too much more restrictions are placed and they get angry. Maybe the person makes it all the way to the end of Alzheimers and is rewarded with death from pneumonia.

It's such a taboo subject. Now when I hear someone's parent died in his sleep I think how fortunate the family is to know it was peaceful. If another one died falling down the steps he refused to give up using and he was living a very independent life right up until then i think how fortunate they are that he didn't have to become more and more depressed as he deals with decline into utter dependence. I had a great grandmother refuse cancer treatment at 80 and back then I thought it was so sad, but now I think that is a beautiful thing. She died on her terms medicated enough so she felt no pain and she had the chance to say goodbye, wish everyone well, have her favorite meals and she literally died with a smile on her face.

My issue these days is with the parent who refuses residential, can't get along with help and expects us to jump in. Been there, done that and won't. She is verbally abusive. She complains that none of her neighbors want to talk to her and her friends are faded off and in the same breath she tells you that once again she stopped taking her antidepressants and refuses to take them again.It's hard not to get sucked in, but all we can do is send the social worker to visit and try to help, try another aide service and make sure she isn't in a position to harm anyone.