Tips for difficult father in law

[Anonymous]

OP, tangentially, I just want to tell you that your English is impeccable.

[Anonymous]

I simply would never give your FIL the opportunity to be alone with your children. For all you know, he could manipulate them into not speaking up by saying that if they “tattled”, it would make their father unhappy, or some similar nonsense. You said your FIL was crafty; don’t give him the opportunity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. Whatever he expects of you, tell him that you're busy and he can ask your husband. It seems like you're stuck in some very unhealthy gender roles. If your husband has to do the work or deal with the fallout, there will be a lot fewer visits. If he doesn't like the normal behavior of children, he should not ask to visit a household with children. So let the kids act how they act and if he doesn't like it, bye.

It will be incredibly damaging to your child if your father tolerates her being mistreated in her own home. You have to intervene the very first time. "Joe, do not speak disrespectfully to Larla." Then stand there and look at him and let it be very, very awkward for a while. That's the only way to draw a boundary. If he gets mad and leaves, you win. This is no kind of grandparent relationship that benefits your child, at all. If your FIL is lonely, it is only the consequence of his own bad choices and not your problem to solve by allowing your child to be mistreated.

You could get a nursery camera so that you can hear what he's saying when he thinks you are not listening. Try that and record it on your phone for your husband to hear.

I think this is a great idea. These nanny cans are cheap and ubiquitous.

[Anonymous]

I’m at a loss as to why your husband would allow this. If it’s such a priority for him to spend time with his father, he can plan a trip or vacation for the 2 of them. If your husband insists on your FiIL visiting the family, you need to make FIL AND your husband very uncomfortable when FIL acts up. In front of the kids and your husband, ask FIL why he thinks it’s okay to taunt or ridicule a child. Calmly. Then tell him if the behavior repeats he’s not welcome ever again. You need to make a fuss because your husband will not take action unless he feels awkward and uncomfortable too, the way you and your daughter have felt for every visit.

Your top priority should be your children and their well-being. Not your husband, not your FIL.

[Anonymous]

I agree with pps that you need to stand up for and protect your daughter. However, Fil expecting you to cook and be his maid is a fil and a husband problem. If he asks what’s for dinner your husband needs to answer. If he says he needs fresh towels, your husband needs to answer. If he asks you when your husband isn’t around say “ok, mention it to tim when he’s back!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m at a loss as to why your husband would allow this. If it’s such a priority for him to spend time with his father, he can plan a trip or vacation for the 2 of them. If your husband insists on your FiIL visiting the family, you need to make FIL AND your husband very uncomfortable when FIL acts up. In front of the kids and your husband, ask FIL why he thinks it’s okay to taunt or ridicule a child. Calmly. Then tell him if the behavior repeats he’s not welcome ever again. You need to make a fuss because your husband will not take action unless he feels awkward and uncomfortable too, the way you and your daughter have felt for every visit.

Your top priority should be your children and their well-being. Not your husband, not your FIL.

I agree with this. My heart is breaking for this little girl. She needs to feel safe in her own home. She needs to know that her parents will stand up for her and protect her.

I do want to emphasize that it’s very important to do this calmly. The moment you raise your voice or yell is when the conversation will switch about how disrespectful you are and his ill treatment of your daughter will be brushed under the table. Men like him are slimy weasels who are used to using social norms to their advantage.

[Anonymous]

Op you sound so kind.

I had a fil a bit like this and honestly, now that he is dead I can say that I don’t feel bad for drawing boundaries. You should draw boundaries. You can give him the benefit of the doubt but your dh needs to give you the benefit of the doubt. I can see from my our posts that you are so kind. Yes what you are saying is not convenient for your dh but that doesn’t make it less true.

Your fil needs to stay at a hotel during his visit. Or dh can visit him. But no one who has abusive to your child can stay in your home. This is one of the many crappy parenting tasks you did not know you were signing up for but you must. This must be your hill to die on. And this isn’t because you are a bad person. Your dh is failing to step up here. He should feel much worse than you are feeling. He can go stay for 2 weeks at the cabin. Then you go on vacation for 2 weeks somewhere. With your kids or without as you prefer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You husband needs to sharply correct him if her is out of line with your daughter. Your daughter NEEDS to see her parents standing up for her, especially in her own home.

This.
How Is it that your husband has not had a come to Jesus with his daddy about how he treats your daughter and what the expectations of behavior are when he’s in your home or around your family PERIOD!

[Anonymous]

There’s a lot of this I do not understand quite frankly. How is it that nobody has set ANY boundaries with this man. Just some degree I feel a little bit sorry for this man because nobody has told him that his behavior is out of order.

[Anonymous]

I've been the daughter in this situation. I know you don't want to upset the apple cart but I wish you would make protecting her the priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op Here.

I appreciate your comments. DH doesn’t think it’s as bad as I do because he didn’t witness most of the behavior. He was on zoom calls all day when we visited FIL, and while he agrees with me that he can’t be trusted with the kids and “acts weird” with them, he doesn’t think it got to be as bad as I make it out to be.

My son is not a liar, and I don’t like feeling gaslit by my husband. I showed him the comments and he called Fil and told him the trip must be shorted to a week, but he did not mention any of the accusations of abuse some of you alleged. My husband felt that the children stressed out his father who started to act out. I disagree and think his father has some sort of mental issue I have no interest in unraveling.

As a compromise, my husband agreed to take a trip with my father In law where he would have his own cabin and own space and never be around the children alone. He promised to speak up and defend my daughter if it came to it. I haven’t spoken to my father In law since our trip to his home many months ago, mostly because I’m sure I won’t be able to be super civil. We were barely speaking when I left, but were very civil and polite.

I understand he is old and depressed, but there is no need to take it out on an innocent child. Do you think I should tell my children to immediately get me if he should act like this again? Usually they would tell me later. I don’t want to drag them into this, but I don’t want my daughter and son to think I am condoning this behavior.

ps- I was not making lunches or cleaning for him towards the end of the trip. And yes I did feel like a doormat and I did resent it.

At this point I don’t believe anything you say now you so much he’s old and impressed but before you said he was young and healthy which is it??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Sorry, I don't invite people to stay overnight who make me feel bad about myself, or God, forbid, my CHILDREN.

Pick up the phone and disinvite him. You can tell him that you have thought a lot about how he expected you to be his maid, and how he bullied your daughter, and that you do not want him visiting for now.

And your husband can shut up and and go with it if he doesn't have the moral courage to defend you and his daughter.

+100 you are setting a horrible example for your daughter by tolerating someone who is cruel to her and treats women as second class citizens in your home

This. It's unacceptable. Don't create an environment where you KNOW it's going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that your husband is willing to let your daughter be treated this way is a huge red flag. This would be my hill to die on.

I also would let this man go without lunch every darn day.

Yup. The kitchen is that way. Feel free to make yourself a sandwich, FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I forgot to add:

(1) we don’t use him for childcare ever
(2) the kids were in camp the last time we visited him
(3) we took the kids out every day as I absolutely acknowledge that they were stressors for him. We limited their interactions as much as possible.
(4) we have zero plans for another extended visit to his house
(5) my father In law is relatively young and healthy
(6) he has an expectation of being “served” for lack of a better word. He doesn’t help out around our house or his house when he visits and expects me to clean up after him and making him all his meals. When I told him gently lunch would be very simple since i work full time, he didn’t really listen to care.

I am absolutely in agreement that he worked hard his whole life and deserves to enjoy his retirement, but I think there should be a balance between being courteous and helpful to us by cleaning up after himself and not attacking my daughter. I also would never demand my husband not see him.

My 90 year old grandmother died in 2001 and she never made lunch. Like, ever. There were cold cuts, pickles, bread, 100 different mustards and spreads, chips, apples (always apples!), and maybe cookies or ice cream, but it was paper plates and serve yourself. If she could do it in the 20th century, you can do it in the 21st.

The meanness towards your daughter is more problematic and I am not certain how to solve that except that if he says or does something out of line your husband needs to talk to him about it.

Overall, this is your husband's relationship to navigate. If your FIL is young and healthy then he may need some support in getting back into life and adjusting to the reality that a wife waiting on him hand and foot isn't the norm, but that there's a lot of life to be lived even if you don't have that anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I forgot to add:

(1) we don’t use him for childcare ever
(2) the kids were in camp the last time we visited him
(3) we took the kids out every day as I absolutely acknowledge that they were stressors for him. We limited their interactions as much as possible.
(4) we have zero plans for another extended visit to his house
(5) my father In law is relatively young and healthy
(6) he has an expectation of being “served” for lack of a better word. He doesn’t help out around our house or his house when he visits and expects me to clean up after him and making him all his meals. When I told him gently lunch would be very simple since i work full time, he didn’t really listen to care.

I am absolutely in agreement that he worked hard his whole life and deserves to enjoy his retirement, but I think there should be a balance between being courteous and helpful to us by cleaning up after himself and not attacking my daughter. I also would never demand my husband not see him.

My 90 year old grandmother died in 2001 and she never made lunch. Like, ever. There were cold cuts, pickles, bread, 100 different mustards and spreads, chips, apples (always apples!), and maybe cookies or ice cream, but it was paper plates and serve yourself. If she could do it in the 20th century, you can do it in the 21st.

The meanness towards your daughter is more problematic and I am not certain how to solve that except that if he says or does something out of line your husband needs to talk to him about it.

Overall, this is your husband's relationship to navigate. If your FIL is young and healthy then he may need some support in getting back into life and adjusting to the reality that a wife waiting on him hand and foot isn't the norm, but that there's a lot of life to be lived even if you don't have that anymore.

In a layer post OP says FIL is old. OP is a troll.