Tips for difficult father in law
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Anonymous
| My father in law is a difficult man. He is recently retired, he has no friends, and since my MIL passed away, really speaks to no one except for my husband and his sister. I need help dealing with him as he plans on visiting us for several days late winter. I have a son and a daughter, and he really sees my son as his grandchild and pretty much disdains my independent daughter. He has had this expectation that his grandchildren will feel the same immediate bond you feel with your children, but the reality is that he never visits us and didn’t pay much attention to my children until my mother in law died. During Covid he was lonely of course and begged us to stay with him for an extended time. Knowing how hard it is for seniors who are alone, my husband and I stayed with him for an extended visit. This was a very difficult time for me as my father in law expected me to act as a de facto maid for him, cooking all the meals, doing all the childcare and cleaning his house. He did not have the same expectation of my husband. My kids were in summer camp most of the time, but whenever they were in the house he would nitpick my daughter to death. He would accuse her (who is 6) of breaking things around the house, making a mess, and generally just clearly disliked her. She is not a snuggly person, and didn’t want him hugging her (which I totally accept and frankly agree). She also loves to sing and do art, and this really bothered my father in law for some reason. We left on good terms, but it was clear my daughter hated him and the feeling was somewhat mutual. Now he wants to stay with us for an extended visit and I honestly feel so sad that he is coming. I feel sad for him because I know he must be so lonely. I feel sad for my daughter because he is so unkind to her. And I also feel sorry for myself because he acts like an entitled teenager during the whole time. My DH asked him to shorten his visit, but otherwise tries not to discuss my fil’s shortcomings. He gets along fine with my son who shares some of his interests, but cannot stop criticizing my now 7 year old daughter. I really don’t want to have any hard feelings, but I do think he needs to treat her better, or at a minimum needs to just ignore her. I am dreading having to watch my kids like a hawk to ensure my father in law and my kids stay on their best behavior. I asked my sister in law for help, and she thinks that my father in law (who is openly sexist) thinks that his grandsons are his “heirs” while his granddaughters aren’t that special. Any idea how I can keep the peace? The visit is only 2 weeks and the kids will be in school for one week. |
Anonymous
| You husband needs to sharply correct him if her is out of line with your daughter. Your daughter NEEDS to see her parents standing up for her, especially in her own home. |
Anonymous
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I forgot to add:
(1) we don’t use him for childcare ever (2) the kids were in camp the last time we visited him (3) we took the kids out every day as I absolutely acknowledge that they were stressors for him. We limited their interactions as much as possible. (4) we have zero plans for another extended visit to his house (5) my father In law is relatively young and healthy (6) he has an expectation of being “served” for lack of a better word. He doesn’t help out around our house or his house when he visits and expects me to clean up after him and making him all his meals. When I told him gently lunch would be very simple since i work full time, he didn’t really listen to care. I am absolutely in agreement that he worked hard his whole life and deserves to enjoy his retirement, but I think there should be a balance between being courteous and helpful to us by cleaning up after himself and not attacking my daughter. I also would never demand my husband not see him. |
Anonymous
I could not agree more with you. I have and will stand up to him on her behalf, but this made my father in law crafty. My son told me the minute I leave the room he begins to berate her or call her mean nicknames. |
Anonymous
| I’m sorry, but he is verbally and emotionally abusing your daughter. If FIL wants company, maybe husband can visit him solo for a few days. Don’t subject yourself daughter to this. And don’t serve him. Don’t be a doormat. And protect your poor daughter!!! |
Anonymous
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Sorry, I don't invite people to stay overnight who make me feel bad about myself, or God, forbid, my CHILDREN. Pick up the phone and disinvite him. You can tell him that you have thought a lot about how he expected you to be his maid, and how he bullied your daughter, and that you do not want him visiting for now. And your husband can shut up and and go with it if he doesn't have the moral courage to defend you and his daughter. |
Anonymous
And to be clear, I don't give a rat's behind for relatives who are disagreeable. They can be lonely and grieving all they want, their actions and words have consequences. I will send money, help them with paperwork, deal with hospital and doctor appointments, basic human decency treatment... but they will have zero emotional support and no access to my kids. |
Anonymous
+100 you are setting a horrible example for your daughter by tolerating someone who is cruel to her and treats women as second class citizens in your home |
Anonymous
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OP, FIL's behavior is unacceptable. Your husband needs to handle this. He needs to be available to supervise and correct his father's behavior. If his father wants someone to clean up after him, your husband can do it, or tell him no.
If your husband is unwilling to do these things, he needs to tell his father not to come. He can go visit his father. |
Anonymous
+200. This is horrible for both your son and your daughter to see you and your DH tolerating this. Your DH is an a-hole for not defending his daughter. I would not permit this person to have any relationship with either of my kids or me. |
Anonymous
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As always, this is a DH problem disguised as a FIL problem.
My mother is absolutely horrid to my husband. She is a monster with him, and sets a very bad example for my kids. And you know what? I don’t tolerate it. That’s my husband and it’s OUR home. If she can’t deal with that she can go to her home. Why isn’t your DH enraged at how his father treats his daughter? Why is he letting you be treated like a maid in your home? He’s the real problem here. |
Anonymous
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Your daughter is SEVEN?
In your preamble I assumed a teen. God no. He shouldn't be allowed to visit. This is potentially a very damaging relationship for her. |
Anonymous
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The fact that your husband is willing to let your daughter be treated this way is a huge red flag. This would be my hill to die on.
I also would let this man go without lunch every darn day. |
Anonymous
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How about if you don’t tiptoe around him so much (trying to get kids on best behavior, taking them out of the house, etc) but just act as you normally do, and if things come to a head, so be it? The worst that can happen is that your FIL gets so mad that he leaves (yay?!). He has no power over you other than the ones you give him (because you are a nice, sympathetic person), but once he started treating your DD like crap, he has lost that privilege.
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Anonymous
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He needs to be told before his arrival that berating or name calling, etc of the children will not be tolerated. Let him know you can't allow it to continue and he will be sent home if he attempts it again. Make him commit to being respectful of both children. If he won't commit, then tell him he is not welcome and the visit is off.
I would set up a way to monitor what he says when he thinks I am out of earshot. |