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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I forgot to add:

(1) we don’t use him for childcare ever 
(2) the kids were in camp the last time we visited him 
(3) we took the kids out every day as I absolutely acknowledge that they were stressors for him. We limited their interactions as much as possible. 
(4) we have zero plans for another extended visit to his house
(5) my father In law is relatively young and healthy
(6) he has an expectation of being “served” for lack of a better word. He doesn’t help out around our house or his house when he visits and expects me to clean up after him and making him all his meals. [b]When I told him gently lunch would be very simple since i work full time, he didn’t really listen to care. 
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I am absolutely in agreement that he worked hard his whole life and deserves to enjoy his retirement, but I think there should be a balance between being courteous and helpful to us by cleaning up after himself and not attacking my daughter. I also would never demand my husband not see him. [/quote]

My 90 year old grandmother died in 2001 and she never made lunch. Like, ever. There were cold cuts, pickles, bread, 100 different mustards and spreads, chips, apples (always apples!), and maybe cookies or ice cream, but it was paper plates and serve yourself. If she could do it in the 20th century, you can do it in the 21st.

The meanness towards your daughter is more problematic and I am not certain how to solve that except that if he says or does something out of line your husband needs to talk to him about it.

Overall, this is your husband's relationship to navigate. If your FIL is young and healthy then he may need some support in getting back into life and adjusting to the reality that a wife waiting on him hand and foot isn't the norm, but that there's a lot of life to be lived even if you don't have that anymore.

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