Tips for difficult father in law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I forgot to add:

(1) we don’t use him for childcare ever
(2) the kids were in camp the last time we visited him
(3) we took the kids out every day as I absolutely acknowledge that they were stressors for him. We limited their interactions as much as possible.
(4) we have zero plans for another extended visit to his house
(5) my father In law is relatively young and healthy
(6) he has an expectation of being “served” for lack of a better word. He doesn’t help out around our house or his house when he visits and expects me to clean up after him and making him all his meals. When I told him gently lunch would be very simple since i work full time, he didn’t really listen to care.

I am absolutely in agreement that he worked hard his whole life and deserves to enjoy his retirement, but I think there should be a balance between being courteous and helpful to us by cleaning up after himself and not attacking my daughter. I also would never demand my husband not see him.

My 90 year old grandmother died in 2001 and she never made lunch. Like, ever. There were cold cuts, pickles, bread, 100 different mustards and spreads, chips, apples (always apples!), and maybe cookies or ice cream, but it was paper plates and serve yourself. If she could do it in the 20th century, you can do it in the 21st.

The meanness towards your daughter is more problematic and I am not certain how to solve that except that if he says or does something out of line your husband needs to talk to him about it.

Overall, this is your husband's relationship to navigate. If your FIL is young and healthy then he may need some support in getting back into life and adjusting to the reality that a wife waiting on him hand and foot isn't the norm, but that there's a lot of life to be lived even if you don't have that anymore.

In a layer post OP says FIL is old. OP is a troll.

Sorry if there is a confusion but a widowed grandfather is never “young”. For a grandfather who lost his wife he is on the younger side and healthy. I mention this because there is a huge difference with a 90 year old man and a 65 year old man. Father in law is not on a wheelchair he grumbling about the youth of today. If I was a troll I would hope I would have shared a more interesting story!

That’s all fine, people have different ideas of “old” so just state the actual age and health conditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You husband needs to sharply correct him if her is out of line with your daughter. Your daughter NEEDS to see her parents standing up for her, especially in her own home.

I could not agree more with you. I have and will stand up to him on her behalf, but this made my father in law crafty. My son told me the minute I leave the room he begins to berate her or call her mean nicknames.

That is frankly kind of scary. Shows awareness and ill intention. Please don’t leave him alone with your daughter.

Also agree on the potential underlying mental disorders/illness so stay away. At that age nothing will change or help. Set boundaries and limit time together.

[Anonymous]

Wondering if there are cultural biases at play here as well.

OP, I'm glad you have found what seems like a compromise solution. Be courteous, but don't put yourself out for this man; he will not only not appreciate it, he will decide that you're a pushover, and will dump even more stuff on you. And do not allow your daughter to interact with him, in the absence of another adult in the same room. He is toxic.

As others have said, this is much more of a DH problem than a FIL problem. I hope your spouse can see just how destructive his father is, and figure out a way to keep him engaged in something besides his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wondering if there are cultural biases at play here as well.

OP, I'm glad you have found what seems like a compromise solution. Be courteous, but don't put yourself out for this man; he will not only not appreciate it, he will decide that you're a pushover, and will dump even more stuff on you. And do not allow your daughter to interact with him, in the absence of another adult in the same room. He is toxic.

As others have said, this is much more of a DH problem than a FIL problem. I hope your spouse can see just how destructive his father is, and figure out a way to keep him engaged in something besides his children.

Op here. Definitely think there are cultural issues at play, and I would rather not discuss it to keep some privacy. In my culture, your father in law is treated like a king. My FIL loves this and we used to have a great relationship. Once I found out that he blames my daughter for everything and calls her names, i am so angry with him I don’t feel the same respect and love as before. I am really angry at him. I don’t want to ruin the relationship he has with his son (which if I am honest isnt that great) but I will put my children first, always. I don’t mind making him lunch or cleaning, but I won’t stand by and pretend I don’t know how mean he can be. My husband doesn’t think it’s as bad as my son and I think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I forgot to add:

(1) we don’t use him for childcare ever
(2) the kids were in camp the last time we visited him
(3) we took the kids out every day as I absolutely acknowledge that they were stressors for him. We limited their interactions as much as possible.
(4) we have zero plans for another extended visit to his house
(5) my father In law is relatively young and healthy
(6) he has an expectation of being “served” for lack of a better word. He doesn’t help out around our house or his house when he visits and expects me to clean up after him and making him all his meals. When I told him gently lunch would be very simple since i work full time, he didn’t really listen to care.

I am absolutely in agreement that he worked hard his whole life and deserves to enjoy his retirement, but I think there should be a balance between being courteous and helpful to us by cleaning up after himself and not attacking my daughter. I also would never demand my husband not see him.

My 90 year old grandmother died in 2001 and she never made lunch. Like, ever. There were cold cuts, pickles, bread, 100 different mustards and spreads, chips, apples (always apples!), and maybe cookies or ice cream, but it was paper plates and serve yourself. If she could do it in the 20th century, you can do it in the 21st.

The meanness towards your daughter is more problematic and I am not certain how to solve that except that if he says or does something out of line your husband needs to talk to him about it.

Overall, this is your husband's relationship to navigate. If your FIL is young and healthy then he may need some support in getting back into life and adjusting to the reality that a wife waiting on him hand and foot isn't the norm, but that there's a lot of life to be lived even if you don't have that anymore.

In a layer post OP says FIL is old. OP is a troll.

Sorry if there is a confusion but a widowed grandfather is never “young”. For a grandfather who lost his wife he is on the younger side and healthy. I mention this because there is a huge difference with a 90 year old man and a 65 year old man. Father in law is not on a wheelchair he grumbling about the youth of today. If I was a troll I would hope I would have shared a more interesting story!

You can be a widowed grandparent at 50 and if you think 50 is old you’re an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Protect your daughter. Girls' trip. Seriously. Get away while he is there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to be told before his arrival that berating or name calling, etc of the children will not be tolerated. Let him know you can't allow it to continue and he will be sent home if he attempts it again. Make him commit to being respectful of both children. If he won't commit, then tell him he is not welcome and the visit is off.

I would set up a way to monitor what he says when he thinks I am out of earshot.

And potentially break the law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wondering if there are cultural biases at play here as well.

OP, I'm glad you have found what seems like a compromise solution. Be courteous, but don't put yourself out for this man; he will not only not appreciate it, he will decide that you're a pushover, and will dump even more stuff on you. And do not allow your daughter to interact with him, in the absence of another adult in the same room. He is toxic.

As others have said, this is much more of a DH problem than a FIL problem. I hope your spouse can see just how destructive his father is, and figure out a way to keep him engaged in something besides his children.

Op here. Definitely think there are cultural issues at play, and I would rather not discuss it to keep some privacy. In my culture, your father in law is treated like a king. My FIL loves this and we used to have a great relationship. Once I found out that he blames my daughter for everything and calls her names, i am so angry with him I don’t feel the same respect and love as before. I am really angry at him. I don’t want to ruin the relationship he has with his son (which if I am honest isnt that great) but I will put my children first, always. I don’t mind making him lunch or cleaning, but I won’t stand by and pretend I don’t know how mean he can be. My husband doesn’t think it’s as bad as my son and I think it is.

Ah, there it is--CULTURAL issues. Just say it in the first post FCOL. Your husband is going to do NOTHING and you knew it all along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, tangentially, I just want to tell you that your English is impeccable.

But paragraphs would be awesome

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, tangentially, I just want to tell you that your English is impeccable.

But paragraphs would be awesome

You sound delightful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wondering if there are cultural biases at play here as well.

OP, I'm glad you have found what seems like a compromise solution. Be courteous, but don't put yourself out for this man; he will not only not appreciate it, he will decide that you're a pushover, and will dump even more stuff on you. And do not allow your daughter to interact with him, in the absence of another adult in the same room. He is toxic.

As others have said, this is much more of a DH problem than a FIL problem. I hope your spouse can see just how destructive his father is, and figure out a way to keep him engaged in something besides his children.

Op here. Definitely think there are cultural issues at play, and I would rather not discuss it to keep some privacy. In my culture, your father in law is treated like a king. My FIL loves this and we used to have a great relationship. Once I found out that he blames my daughter for everything and calls her names, i am so angry with him I don’t feel the same respect and love as before. I am really angry at him. I don’t want to ruin the relationship he has with his son (which if I am honest isnt that great) but I will put my children first, always. I don’t mind making him lunch or cleaning, but I won’t stand by and pretend I don’t know how mean he can be. My husband doesn’t think it’s as bad as my son and I think it is.

Ah, there it is--CULTURAL issues. Just say it in the first post FCOL. Your husband is going to do NOTHING and you knew it all along.

What does FCOL mean?

My husband and I are from different cultures but live here in the US. So that’s three cultures.

I am not sure why you think my husband will do nothing.

By the way, you sound like my father in law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I forgot to add:

(1) we don’t use him for childcare ever
(2) the kids were in camp the last time we visited him
(3) we took the kids out every day as I absolutely acknowledge that they were stressors for him. We limited their interactions as much as possible.
(4) we have zero plans for another extended visit to his house
(5) my father In law is relatively young and healthy
(6) he has an expectation of being “served” for lack of a better word. He doesn’t help out around our house or his house when he visits and expects me to clean up after him and making him all his meals. When I told him gently lunch would be very simple since i work full time, he didn’t really listen to care.

I am absolutely in agreement that he worked hard his whole life and deserves to enjoy his retirement, but I think there should be a balance between being courteous and helpful to us by cleaning up after himself and not attacking my daughter. I also would never demand my husband not see him.

My 90 year old grandmother died in 2001 and she never made lunch. Like, ever. There were cold cuts, pickles, bread, 100 different mustards and spreads, chips, apples (always apples!), and maybe cookies or ice cream, but it was paper plates and serve yourself. If she could do it in the 20th century, you can do it in the 21st.

The meanness towards your daughter is more problematic and I am not certain how to solve that except that if he says or does something out of line your husband needs to talk to him about it.

Overall, this is your husband's relationship to navigate. If your FIL is young and healthy then he may need some support in getting back into life and adjusting to the reality that a wife waiting on him hand and foot isn't the norm, but that there's a lot of life to be lived even if you don't have that anymore.

In a layer post OP says FIL is old. OP is a troll.

Sorry if there is a confusion but a widowed grandfather is never “young”. For a grandfather who lost his wife he is on the younger side and healthy. I mention this because there is a huge difference with a 90 year old man and a 65 year old man. Father in law is not on a wheelchair he grumbling about the youth of today. If I was a troll I would hope I would have shared a more interesting story!

You can be a widowed grandparent at 50 and if you think 50 is old you’re an idiot.

No one has said 50 is old.

My father in law is much older than 50. I don’t know why this detail has stuck with you, but calling names is not something I appreciate. Please vent elsewhere.

Op

[Anonymous]

In what culture is it okay to be nasty to your little granddaughter?

[Anonymous]

I would not allow my daughter to be alone with him, and I have relatives who are never alone with my child so it is possible. Maybe try to limit contact during the week your kids are in school, then take your daughter somewhere for the other week. I would also ask him individually about every bad comment he has made, but I don't come from a culture that values deferance.

[Anonymous]

My FIL is also a monster a hole. I can relate. I just blocked him on social media. He obviously can’t stand me so poof cute pictures of his grandkids gone.