Men who try to use their feminism to get you to like them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any man who claims he is a feminist is sending up a huge red flag that he’s actually a creepy loser.

I thought this until I saw the Jason Baldoni identifies as a feminist, and I know you can’t be sure but I think he’s the real deal. So I would guess there are probably 10 guys in the world who identify as feminists who aren’t closet misogynists.

And then there are guys who are like “well if a feminist is just somebody who believes that women should have equal rights then yeah I guess I’m a feminist,” but that’s different than a guy loudly announcing his fake woke feminism it to every woman he meets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's all fake - it's that guy in college who wore Natalie Merchant t-shirt and date-raped your friend. Also sex positivity is just men wanting blow-jobs on demand. It's Beyonce twerking around J-Z in her own effing video. Beware.

I had a first date recently and the guy mentioned twice that he was sex positive. So, I take that to mean I can keep my hot FWB if he is ever becomes my boyfriend, right?

What was the context? Did he bring it up or did you?

Im not PP and I presume you’re an adult who makes good choices—I am asking out I’d genuine curiosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys like this are probably gay.

Nah, he’s trying to sleep with whatever woman might have him.

This.

Saying it’s a woman’s choice to be a sex worker leaves out that it’s men, the pimps, who mainly benefit. It also leaves out the runaways are pulled into sex work and don’t have a way to escape without money or education. And then there are the woman brought to the US in storage containers. I met one who was forced into sex work in FL, and she told me a stranger helped her escape.

He sounds clueless and insecure.

[Anonymous]

We had training about sex work and sex trafficking and I was like, "OK, don't do that stuff, got it, thanks, wasn't really planning on doing it anyway."

But mostly I was thinking "who in this company would ever have the opportunity to do that?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys like this are probably gay.

Nah, he’s trying to sleep with whatever woman might have him.

This.

Saying it’s a woman’s choice to be a sex worker leaves out that it’s men, the pimps, who mainly benefit. It also leaves out the runaways are pulled into sex work and don’t have a way to escape without money or education. And then there are the woman brought to the US in storage containers. I met one who was forced into sex work in FL, and she told me a stranger helped her escape.

He sounds clueless and insecure.

I think a while ago, sex workers who actually chose and enjoyed being sex workers started getting more of a voice. What they were going for is basic respect, to get things like legal recourse if a client assaulted them and maybe decriminalization. I personally am in favor of all that. But a lot of people, especially millennials like me, read one of those articles and then just stopped, so they have this glorified notion of sex work.

[Anonymous]

Guys who are actually feminists don't need to brag about it. They walk the walk by treating women as equals in the workplace and the home. I consider myself a "feminist" but would never proactively talk about myself in that manner.

This dude is a try-hard and probably is misogynistic.

-Married Dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had training about sex work and sex trafficking and I was like, "OK, don't do that stuff, got it, thanks, wasn't really planning on doing it anyway."

But mostly I was thinking "who in this company would ever have the opportunity to do that?"

Men on business trips. Very common, unfortunately, particularly in male dominated industries (sales, finance, etc)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys like this are probably gay.

Nah, he’s trying to sleep with whatever woman might have him.

This. He’s not gay; he’s predatory. Guys like this are grooming women with their goodness. The grooming lures you in so that when their is a minor boundary violation or discomfort, you will not squawk.

A prominent public examples of this are Eric Schneiderman - the NY AG who physically abused his girlfriend by choking her during sex an tried to pass it off as mutually consensual kink play (subtext because feminists are more open to sex in general and kinky sex). He also used his work background prosecuting DV to send the message that he couldn’t possibly do that.

I had a former fiance do a version of this - sucked me in with his ostensible feminism and his good works in a helping professional field. All his friends and coworkers told me what a great guy he was. Not until I was firmly hooked in the relationship did I stumble across prostitute use and his secret manipulation of me. Thankfully, I got out, but it wasn’t easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's all fake - it's that guy in college who wore Natalie Merchant t-shirt and date-raped your friend. Also sex positivity is just men wanting blow-jobs on demand. It's Beyonce twerking around J-Z in her own effing video. Beware.

I had a first date recently and the guy mentioned twice that he was sex positive. So, I take that to mean I can keep my hot FWB if he is ever becomes my boyfriend, right?

Hahahaha! Best comment on the thread. I dare you to ask him outright on your next date. Please report back.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Glad I'm not the only one who is skewed out by this. We haven't decided what we're going to do about it. I've discussed with two other women in the office and we're all in agreement that he sucks, but he hasn't been here that long and we are still mostly remote so we want to tread carefully. As I mentioned, our manager has no idea whatsoever, but because of WFH it's hard to tell if this is because he's oblivious or because he just genuinely has not observed this behavior. It was mostly up to his peers on the team (including me) to onboard and get him up to speed, and this guy is mid-career so he doesn't get heavy-handed management in this role.

I do think his behavior is covering up latent misogyny. I've checked his Twitter and while there's still lots of the same ("look at me, I'm a feminist man, also BLM") he is also borderline gross with women on there. Nothing that crosses the line, but somewhat slavering comments/responses to a lot of prominent women about who great/hot they are, and how he can say that because he also respects "their minds". I just... wow.

Separate from what we're going to do about his behavior at work (which, since he's not anyone's supervisor and is new and doesn't dictate culture at all, is mostly just annoying at this point though of course that doesn't make it us okay with it), one thing I keep wondering about his his wife. I'd be kind of curious to meet her. I'm also married and I'd be so embarrassed if my husband acted like this anywhere. I'd be horrified about him talking about our sex life, and especially him discussing his opinions on body (however flattering) with total strangers. But I'd also just be legit embarrassed to hear him talking about his feminist cred like this because it's so cringe. I know my husband wouldn't do this, but just thinking about it makes me uncomfortable. I wonder if she's oblivious or if maybe she's also super cringe. It really could go either way.

I also kind of feel bad for his kid. He has a daughter (2 yrs old, I think) and I think some of this is him trying to be a "feminist dad" but his natural arrogance and just overall misunderstanding of appropriateness and boundaries does NOT bode well for her as she gets older. I can't decide if it's better or worse than having just a straight up misogynist as a dad (which is what I had/have). Probably better? But still not great.

Anyway, the main reason I posted this is that I had forgotten how awful he was while out on holiday and was recently reminded, and I just wanted to post a PSA somewhere. Men, don't do this! Real feminism does not involve making all your female coworkers deeply uncomfortable or discussing your wife's weight with strangers. Just donate some money to Planned Parenthood and don't vote for the GOP and try to listen more than you talk. Which is honestly good advice for everyone.

[Anonymous]

And the kicker is he wants points for having a heavy wife, like heavy women have no value and there are not plenty of men into thick women. Every AA or Hispanic male colleague, or white man from another country, I have ever had has hit on me. It is white educated American men who fat-shame (and sleep with heavy women on the down-low) and cause eating disorders among women and girls. They are attracted to it - but can't deal with it -so they shame. And this guy wants a medal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And the kicker is he wants points for having a heavy wife, like heavy women have no value and there are not plenty of men into thick women. Every AA or Hispanic male colleague, or white man from another country, I have ever had has hit on me. It is white educated American men who fat-shame (and sleep with heavy women on the down-low) and cause eating disorders among women and girls. They are attracted to it - but can't deal with it -so they shame. And this guy wants a medal.

Yeah that’s kind of awful. He is using his wife’s body to try to make himself look superior. It’s no better than a guy doing that with a thin woman. Objectifying either way.

[Anonymous]

No man who talks about his wife's body, or their sex life is a feminist who respects women. That is total disrespect for the one woman in his life he should respect the most.

He's just another douche bag creep. Any guy who spills his sex life at work, especially as a new hire, is not just a creep but a total idiot.

I guess by definition, I'm a feminist but I've never said that to anyone, or found the need to define myself as such. If you're a decent person who respects women, there is no need to announce it or pat yourself on the back and the women you interact with and work with will recognize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys who are actually feminists don't need to brag about it. They walk the walk by treating women as equals in the workplace and the home. I consider myself a "feminist" but would never proactively talk about myself in that manner.

This dude is a try-hard and probably is misogynistic.

-Married Dad

+100.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any man who claims he is a feminist is sending up a huge red flag that he’s actually a creepy loser.

I thought this until I saw the Jason Baldoni identifies as a feminist, and I know you can’t be sure but I think he’s the real deal. So I would guess there are probably 10 guys in the world who identify as feminists who aren’t closet misogynists.

And then there are guys who are like “well if a feminist is just somebody who believes that women should have equal rights then yeah I guess I’m a feminist,” but that’s different than a guy loudly announcing his fake woke feminism it to every woman he meets.

Yeah, no.

Those guys are also betas and creepy, douchebag, losers. Still a red flag.