Men who try to use their feminism to get you to like them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys who are actually feminists don't need to brag about it. They walk the walk by treating women as equals in the workplace and the home. I consider myself a "feminist" but would never proactively talk about myself in that manner.

This dude is a try-hard and probably is misogynistic.

-Married Dad

It’s 2022. You can come out of the closet now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's all fake - it's that guy in college who wore Natalie Merchant t-shirt and date-raped your friend. Also sex positivity is just men wanting blow-jobs on demand. It's Beyonce twerking around J-Z in her own effing video. Beware.

I had a first date recently and the guy mentioned twice that he was sex positive. So, I take that to mean I can keep my hot FWB if he is ever becomes my boyfriend, right?

What was the context? Did he bring it up or did you?

Im not PP and I presume you’re an adult who makes good choices—I am asking out I’d genuine curiosity.

Yes, he brought it up out of nowhere in a train of thought that included where he lies on the sexuality spectrum. because he listed to a store on NPR. He was nervous and rambling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's all fake - it's that guy in college who wore Natalie Merchant t-shirt and date-raped your friend. Also sex positivity is just men wanting blow-jobs on demand. It's Beyonce twerking around J-Z in her own effing video. Beware.

I had a first date recently and the guy mentioned twice that he was sex positive. So, I take that to mean I can keep my hot FWB if he is ever becomes my boyfriend, right?

What was the context? Did he bring it up or did you?

Im not PP and I presume you’re an adult who makes good choices—I am asking out I’d genuine curiosity.

Yes, he brought it up out of nowhere in a train of thought that included where he lies on the sexuality spectrum. because he listed to a store on NPR. He was nervous and rambling.

*listened to a story

[Anonymous]

They were called SNAGs back in my day. (sensitive new age guy)

[Anonymous]

IME 100% of these guys are assholes, especially to women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They were called SNAGs back in my day. (sensitive new age guy)

Yes!

I remember that term. These betas should be avoided at all costs.

Nothing masculine about these losers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys who are actually feminists don't need to brag about it. They walk the walk by treating women as equals in the workplace and the home. I consider myself a "feminist" but would never proactively talk about myself in that manner.

This dude is a try-hard and probably is misogynistic.

-Married Dad

It’s 2022. You can come out of the closet now.

Homophobia is so late 90s. How's the AOL dial-up in your time machine?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They were called SNAGs back in my day. (sensitive new age guy)

Yes!

I remember that term. These betas should be avoided at all costs.

Nothing masculine about these losers.

SNAGs should be avoided as assiduously as people who use the term "beta" to talk about masculinity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys who are actually feminists don't need to brag about it. They walk the walk by treating women as equals in the workplace and the home. I consider myself a "feminist" but would never proactively talk about myself in that manner.

This dude is a try-hard and probably is misogynistic.

-Married Dad

I agree. Women's rights are basically human rights. If you behave with humanity and decency towards all humans and live your life as a humanist, you will be serving many groups - women, children, elderly, LGBTQ, disabled, POC, people of different religions etc.

[Anonymous]

Has anyone actually called him out on it?

I’m very feminist, and I’d probably say “it’s very anti-feminist to discuss your sex life and hurts both your partner and the women you are talking to”. Then just repeat.

He’ll probably balk and make excuses, and I’d say “the feminist thing to do is listen to what women are telling you and re-consider your actions, not to defend your unethical actions”.

Like I have BIPOC friends who call me out when I say/do dumb things. I don’t defend it, I listen to what they say and adjust my behavior. He needs to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone actually called him out on it?

I’m very feminist, and I’d probably say “it’s very anti-feminist to discuss your sex life and hurts both your partner and the women you are talking to”. Then just repeat.

He’ll probably balk and make excuses, and I’d say “the feminist thing to do is listen to what women are telling you and re-consider your actions, not to defend your unethical actions”.

Like I have BIPOC friends who call me out when I say/do dumb things. I don’t defend it, I listen to what they say and adjust my behavior. He needs to do the same.

That's a valid way of handling it but I don't think it should be expected.

Sometimes I have the energy and interest to educate someone on their bad behavior and sometimes I don't. Often it comes down to how invested I am in them as a person. I'm much more likely to call out a good friend for saying/doing something offensive and dumb, especially since if we're friends I have already vetted them enough to know that they actually care about how their behavior impacts me and will be motivated to be more thoughtful in the future.

But a random coworker I barely know? Sorry, but I don't think I have an obligation to them really. If the stars align and I'm in the mood maybe I take them under my wing and teach them some stuff. But if I'm already spread thin, it's the middle of a pandemic, and they have a grating personality generally, I don't know if that is the best use of my time and energy, frankly. And it could actually backfire on me because I have no idea what their intentions are and they might get pissed at me for saying something and then I'm in a conflict when I could have just minded my own business.

You know, blah blah blah emotional labor and all that.

[Anonymous]

Wow I have run into this a lot with young people(both males and females) who do this or something similar on a lot of “issues”.

I just chalk it up to being young and naïve and do not think of them as malicious. I know people like the negative posters on here will soon come down on them like a ton of bricks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Beta males do this.

Using terms like beta to describe a male while calling yourself a feminist is ironic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone actually called him out on it?

I’m very feminist, and I’d probably say “it’s very anti-feminist to discuss your sex life and hurts both your partner and the women you are talking to”. Then just repeat.

He’ll probably balk and make excuses, and I’d say “the feminist thing to do is listen to what women are telling you and re-consider your actions, not to defend your unethical actions”.

Like I have BIPOC friends who call me out when I say/do dumb things. I don’t defend it, I listen to what they say and adjust my behavior. He needs to do the same.

That's a valid way of handling it but I don't think it should be expected.

Sometimes I have the energy and interest to educate someone on their bad behavior and sometimes I don't. Often it comes down to how invested I am in them as a person. I'm much more likely to call out a good friend for saying/doing something offensive and dumb, especially since if we're friends I have already vetted them enough to know that they actually care about how their behavior impacts me and will be motivated to be more thoughtful in the future.

But a random coworker I barely know? Sorry, but I don't think I have an obligation to them really. If the stars align and I'm in the mood maybe I take them under my wing and teach them some stuff. But if I'm already spread thin, it's the middle of a pandemic, and they have a grating personality generally, I don't know if that is the best use of my time and energy, frankly. And it could actually backfire on me because I have no idea what their intentions are and they might get pissed at me for saying something and then I'm in a conflict when I could have just minded my own business.

You know, blah blah blah emotional labor and all that.

PP. I totally agree that it's not women's responsibility to educate him. But if the options are continue to listen to him without saying anything, document to report to HR, or just say a sentence or two, seems like that's the easiest. I wouldn't go out of my way to actually educate him - he needs to do that work himself, and if he asked for help, I would point out that it's not very feminist to expect a woman to do that labor for him - but I might recommend a podcast or a book.

Basically I think it's less about educating, and more about drawing a boundary. You could even just say "I don't want to hear about your sex life or your opinions on sex workers, it makes me very uncomfortable and I'll have to report to HR if it continues".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any man who claims he is a feminist is sending up a huge red flag that he’s actually a creepy loser.

I thought this until I saw the Jason Baldoni identifies as a feminist, and I know you can’t be sure but I think he’s the real deal. So I would guess there are probably 10 guys in the world who identify as feminists who aren’t closet misogynists.

And then there are guys who are like “well if a feminist is just somebody who believes that women should have equal rights then yeah I guess I’m a feminist,” but that’s different than a guy loudly announcing his fake woke feminism it to every woman he meets.

This -- there's "man who is, in fact, a feminist and demonstrates that in his words and actions in his everyday life," and there's "man who is performing feminism by loudly proclaiming it in order to impress people/hit on women/shore up his self-image/cover up his misogynist behavior." The former may be a good guy; the latter is a tool.