Men who try to use their feminism to get you to like them

[Anonymous]

Yeah I have met a few men like this. In one of the #MeToo cases the man’s defense was that he couldn’t possibly have harassed the several women who came forward about him because he’s SUCH a FEMINIST.

Add in the “sex positivity” and you have just an arrogant man who is trying to sleep with his co-workers. If he’s in a relationship I’d make a point of redirecting his big talk about feminism into the micro— like how it’s so important that feminist men don’t talk over women in meetings and how feminist men take on half the burden of domestic responsibility.

[Anonymous]

$1000 says he is a closet misogynist. Watch your back.

[Anonymous]

Why isn’t his manager handling this? Have any of you gone to his manager or HR to say this guy needs to shut up about sex workers in the workplace?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Other details:

1) He is married and has a little kid at home. I know. I’m not even 100% sure he’s trying to hit on us, it’s more like he just desperately needs us to think he’s the right kind of person.

2) He has told me about his sex life with his wife, who I’ve never met, and is SUPER proud of how hot he thinks she is even though, he lets me know, she’s not super skinny. For real, why is he sharing this stuff with me, it is so so inappropriate.

3) Our manager is a man and does not see this behavior at all. Which is interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow this annoys me. Do other women like this? I hate it.

I’m all for men being feminists and I’m not trying to say only women are allowed to talk about feminism. But there’s a new guy in my office who is so obviously trying to ingratiate himself with the women here by really hitting us over the head with his feminist politics. It’s grating. Particularly because he’s also pretty arrogant in general, so a lot of it comes off as him lecturing us about feminism. I hoped it we just smiled and we’re otherwise welcoming he’d stop trying do hard and chill, but he seems to have taken it as encouragement and gotten worse. Sigh.

Also, he’s very into being sex positive, which again I support as a general rule, but this is a professional workplace full of lawyers and public policy hacks, and we should probably just not discuss sex in the workplace unless it’s relevant to our work? Like yes, I too support sex workers and the right if any woman to use her body as she wants, but when you talk about that in the workplace you just sound horny, I’m sorry.

Anyway, don’t go this. Be a feminist, support feminist causes, vote for feminist politicians, consume books and art and news created by women. But don’t expect a cookie for it. I do those things every day and no one is sitting around paying me on the head and encouraging me for it. Ugh.

1. That isn't true feminism that's Tumblr version of feminism. Yours and his understanding of feminism is basic at best.

2. How do you know his feelings on the subject are " just trying to get women to like him"?

3. Let's be real your issue isn't so much the subject it's that you even if you don't want to admit it is attracted to him despite his annoying traits. This bothers you because you think of yourself better than that, better than The other women around you so these feelings infuriate you. Instead of doing self-work your reaction is to demonize him. I've known many women like you, and don't bother calling me an incel. I am a woman and an actual feminist so I can see through Tumblr feminists like yourself.

4. Since you find his topic of conversation ( reasonably) inappropriate for work why haven't you reported him? Do you fear nothing will be done? Do you fear retaliation? Why haven't you called him ouy, pointed out maybe the topic of conversation isn't appropriate for work? Or does your feminism begin and end with buying books, art , and voting for a woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Other details:

1) He is married and has a little kid at home. I know. I’m not even 100% sure he’s trying to hit on us, it’s more like he just desperately needs us to think he’s the right kind of person.

2) He has told me about his sex life with his wife, who I’ve never met, and is SUPER proud of how hot he thinks she is even though, he lets me know, she’s not super skinny. For real, why is he sharing this stuff with me, it is so so inappropriate.

3) Our manager is a man and does not see this behavior at all. Which is interesting.

#2 is 100% illegal sexual harassment. Tell him to stop and if he doesn't, report it to HR.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Other details:

1) He is married and has a little kid at home. I know. I’m not even 100% sure he’s trying to hit on us, it’s more like he just desperately needs us to think he’s the right kind of person.

2) He has told me about his sex life with his wife, who I’ve never met, and is SUPER proud of how hot he thinks she is even though, he lets me know, she’s not super skinny. For real, why is he sharing this stuff with me, it is so so inappropriate.

3) Our manager is a man and does not see this behavior at all. Which is interesting.

Have you tried reporting it? Just assuming he's a man and wouldn't care isn't helpful. If you have reported it and he's done nothing or he participates in the talk, who is above your manager that you would report to? If your entire chain of report is unhelpful, it's time you find a new job because it seems it's a toxic work place.

As for the thing about his wife, use your words, tell her you dinf it inappropriate/offensive whatever and walk away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Other details:

1) He is married and has a little kid at home. I know. I’m not even 100% sure he’s trying to hit on us, it’s more like he just desperately needs us to think he’s the right kind of person.

2) He has told me about his sex life with his wife, who I’ve never met, and is SUPER proud of how hot he thinks she is even though, he lets me know, she’s not super skinny. For real, why is he sharing this stuff with me, it is so so inappropriate.

3) Our manager is a man and does not see this behavior at all. Which is interesting.

#2 is 100% illegal sexual harassment. Tell him to stop and if he doesn't, report it to HR.

Yes, this is correct. Tell him to stop, if he doesn't report it. If they do nothing you have to decide if you want to pursue legal action on your own or just find another workplace.

But OP this has nothing to do with your thread title or opening post. You are conflating issues.

[Anonymous]

OMG OP - the same guy actually appears at the start of this video!

[Anonymous]

It's all fake - it's that guy in college who wore Natalie Merchant t-shirt and date-raped your friend. Also sex positivity is just men wanting blow-jobs on demand. It's Beyonce twerking around J-Z in her own effing video. Beware.

[Anonymous]

Any man who claims he is a feminist is sending up a huge red flag that he’s actually a creepy loser.

[Anonymous]

It's like when white people talk about all the black friends they have (ie, maybe one acquaintance). It's gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Other details:

1) He is married and has a little kid at home. I know. I’m not even 100% sure he’s trying to hit on us, it’s more like he just desperately needs us to think he’s the right kind of person.

2) He has told me about his sex life with his wife, who I’ve never met, and is SUPER proud of how hot he thinks she is even though, he lets me know, she’s not super skinny. For real, why is he sharing this stuff with me, it is so so inappropriate.

3) Our manager is a man and does not see this behavior at all. Which is interesting.

#2 is 100% illegal sexual harassment. Tell him to stop and if he doesn't, report it to HR.

Yes, this is correct. Tell him to stop, if he doesn't report it. If they do nothing you have to decide if you want to pursue legal action on your own or just find another workplace.

But OP this has nothing to do with your thread title or opening post. You are conflating issues.

#2 is extremely gross. You should document this, and then after it is well documented (concurrent reporting is key— as soon as it happens write an email to someone documenting what he said and that it made you and others u comfortable) you can tell him that feminist men respect the privacy of women and things like revenge porn are illegal in many states. Tell him you find it uncomfortable and document *that* conversation. This guy sounds like hot garbage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow this annoys me. Do other women like this? I hate it.

I’m all for men being feminists and I’m not trying to say only women are allowed to talk about feminism. But there’s a new guy in my office who is so obviously trying to ingratiate himself with the women here by really hitting us over the head with his feminist politics. It’s grating. Particularly because he’s also pretty arrogant in general, so a lot of it comes off as him lecturing us about feminism. I hoped it we just smiled and we’re otherwise welcoming he’d stop trying do hard and chill, but he seems to have taken it as encouragement and gotten worse. Sigh.

Also, he’s very into being sex positive, which again I support as a general rule, but this is a professional workplace full of lawyers and public policy hacks, and we should probably just not discuss sex in the workplace unless it’s relevant to our work? Like yes, I too support sex workers and the right if any woman to use her body as she wants, but when you talk about that in the workplace you just sound horny, I’m sorry.

Anyway, don’t go this. Be a feminist, support feminist causes, vote for feminist politicians, consume books and art and news created by women. But don’t expect a cookie for it. I do those things every day and no one is sitting around paying me on the head and encouraging me for it. Ugh.

1. That isn't true feminism that's Tumblr version of feminism. Yours and his understanding of feminism is basic at best.

2. How do you know his feelings on the subject are " just trying to get women to like him"?

3. Let's be real your issue isn't so much the subject it's that you even if you don't want to admit it is attracted to him despite his annoying traits. This bothers you because you think of yourself better than that, better than The other women around you so these feelings infuriate you. Instead of doing self-work your reaction is to demonize him. I've known many women like you, and don't bother calling me an incel. I am a woman and an actual feminist so I can see through Tumblr feminists like yourself.

4. Since you find his topic of conversation ( reasonably) inappropriate for work why haven't you reported him? Do you fear nothing will be done? Do you fear retaliation? Why haven't you called him ouy, pointed out maybe the topic of conversation isn't appropriate for work? Or does your feminism begin and end with buying books, art , and voting for a woman?

Number 3! WTF?! Also, any woman would realize that yes, #4, is probably because most work places don't do anything about it... Are you a woman?

Next time he says something about his sex life or wife, I would say that was an inappropriate comment and walk away. Then report him, though it sounds like your boss won't do much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's all fake - it's that guy in college who wore Natalie Merchant t-shirt and date-raped your friend. Also sex positivity is just men wanting blow-jobs on demand. It's Beyonce twerking around J-Z in her own effing video. Beware.

I had a first date recently and the guy mentioned twice that he was sex positive. So, I take that to mean I can keep my hot FWB if he is ever becomes my boyfriend, right?