Am I raising a brat, and how do I fix this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know the first part of my question is true. We’ve turned her into a brat.

She’s used to us catering. Doesn’t like a dinner, I’ll pop something in the oven for her.

I pick her up from school and need to run an errand? She doesn’t want to go so I go out of my way to drop her off at home.

She’s 10.

We sort of went cold turkey and stopped the cooking of other food, and like yesterday, I had the day off but did other things, so when I picked her up I had to stop to grocery shop. I didn’t drop her off at home.

The attitude is astounding. She told me, you had all day to do this.

I know it’ll get better once she realizes we aren’t catering to her anymore, but any tips on making this an easier transition?

And please don’t attack me, I’m trying to do better. I realize my error and I’m trying to fix it.

What did you say/do when she said “you had all day to do this?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the first part of my question is true. We’ve turned her into a brat.

She’s used to us catering. Doesn’t like a dinner, I’ll pop something in the oven for her.

I pick her up from school and need to run an errand? She doesn’t want to go so I go out of my way to drop her off at home.

She’s 10.

We sort of went cold turkey and stopped the cooking of other food, and like yesterday, I had the day off but did other things, so when I picked her up I had to stop to grocery shop. I didn’t drop her off at home.

The attitude is astounding. She told me, you had all day to do this.

I know it’ll get better once she realizes we aren’t catering to her anymore, but any tips on making this an easier transition?

And please don’t attack me, I’m trying to do better. I realize my error and I’m trying to fix it.

You shouldn’t be taking your kid grocery shopping during the pandemic. It’s safer for her and others to leave her at home.

Otherwise, I generally agree with your thinking. I’m not sure what to stay about fixing it.

But given covid, I would not take her with you on errands that require going inside.

It’s been a year and 8 months since covid hit. You should know by now that you are not getting covid while you’re masked at the grocery stores and not standing next to anyone for more than 15 minutes at a time.

[Anonymous]

I have a 9yo only DD so I get it. But I make a conscious decision to not let her control everything just because she’s an only. I don’t deliberately give her food I know she doesn’t like but I don’t cater to her either. What I make for dinner is what’s for dinner, always had been. I do let her have a snack before bed because we eat dinner early and the snack happens whether she ate dinner or not. It’s usually something healthy though. It may benefit you and her to see and learn how other people live. In this country and other countries. She has no appreciation for the life she has. We attend a Church with a good outreach program so my kid has made sandwiches/lunches for the homeless, packed food boxes for the local elem for winter break etc etc…….DD is definitely not perfect but she does have an appreciation for the life she has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know the first part of my question is true. We’ve turned her into a brat.

She’s used to us catering. Doesn’t like a dinner, I’ll pop something in the oven for her.

I pick her up from school and need to run an errand? She doesn’t want to go so I go out of my way to drop her off at home.

She’s 10.

We sort of went cold turkey and stopped the cooking of other food, and like yesterday, I had the day off but did other things, so when I picked her up I had to stop to grocery shop. I didn’t drop her off at home.

The attitude is astounding. She told me, you had all day to do this.

I know it’ll get better once she realizes we aren’t catering to her anymore, but any tips on making this an easier transition?

And please don’t attack me, I’m trying to do better. I realize my error and I’m trying to fix it.

What did you say/do when she said “you had all day to do this?”

You don’t have to answer that directly. Be sure you’ve had the conversation people mentioned before about what entitled is, not wanting her to be spoiled, etc. do that out of the moment. In the moment, you validate how she is feeling. That doesn’t mean you agree with her- so in this instance you could say- I know you don’t want to go to the store now. Yep, you’d rather go home. I get it. That may be enough. It may not be. This step let’s her know you hear or get how she feels. Don’t give her pity or - I’m so sorry, yes I know you don’t want to and feed her ego. No, be understanding that you get how she feels. In those moments she isn’t going to hear your logic explaining why you are taking her. And if straight validation isn’t enough, then you can add a statement about “I know you don’t want to go to the store. You wish I’d drop you at home. Today you get to come with me.” If she is really pissed and sticks in her heels, so be it. If she pouts around the store, so be it. That is step one to this process.

The huge thing you are tackling is that you are changing what has worked foe years for her. Which is why you have to be consistent now. Now more than ever. If you give in intermittently, it will be worse.

Listen to Rachel Bailey podcasts, she explains things in ways that make sense. And gives you strategies to help in and out of the moment. Just rember in those moments when she is acting like a brat, it will be hard to rationalize bc she isn’t acting rational. So many episodes could help number 101, 99, 90, 89, 77.

You can do this. It is tough and it will be worth it. Good for you seeing this as an opportunity to parent your daughter to grow up be to be a flexible, compassionate kid who will start to learn we don’t all get our way all the time. She and you are going to need to give her places for her feelings bc she will be pissed. And she can say she is mad. It is the behavior that isn’t ok.

[Anonymous]

Nip it in the bud. She will be a terror by 15. After that remark I would take her with me for every errand, she’ll be grateful the next time she got to stay home. And I would tell her exactly why she no longer has the privilege of being dropped off. The more she pouts, the more she comes with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does she do? She needs to contribute more. Laundry, cook dinner once a week at least. Clean rooms, bathrooms, yard work etc.

That seems ambitious for ten.

It's not. I know a 9 year old who makes her own shopping list and cooks dinner once a week(she has been doing this since 8.5). It can be something really simple like steamed green beans, boiled rice and ground beef. But she should be responsible for cooking and cleaning after herself.

The best way to not raise a brat is to give your kids chores and responsibilities as soon as they are able to do them. A 10 year old can cook dinner/breakfast once a week, clean and mop their bedroom and bathroom on the weekends, and do their own laundry.

If they are running their mouths, they are probably not aware of just how much work it is. Let them do it. They'll appreciate the work better.

[Anonymous]

The “you had all day to do this” comment would get a lecture from my DH about how it is wasteful to take the car out multiple times a day for one-off errands. Practically speaking, our family bundles all the errands so they are done at one time or one day out of the week so that the car can have periods of rest. It’s a waste of time and gas and wear and tear on your car to constantly take the car out. Sure, her comment was disrespectful, but there is also a teachable moment here beyond learning to be more flexible and understanding and supporting the family team.

[Anonymous]

I’m a mom of a 3 and 5 yo so I will keep my mouth shut on this one.

But, our nanny brings her kids to our house after school, they are ages 8 and 11. I am astonished by how much they are capable of doing. Their mom brings them here and immediately puts them to work mopping, washing Windows, cooking a snack, doing dishes. She’s focused on my own kids (and also teaching them to help) and doesn’t even give her kids instructions or guidance-it’s just the expectation that they help out.

We had a little birthday celebration for the just turned 8 year old boy, and immediately after cake he was clearing plates and loading them into the dishwasher.

So basically, I’ve learned that kids are capable of so much more than we think. Her kids are super respectful and humble too. I’ve never heard them whine.

Our nanny is Mexican and I think she just has such a different mindset. One time she had my 3 yo carrying a laundry basket and I praised him for “helping nanny” and she corrected me and said that she was helping him but that this is his job, not hers.

PS-we pay her kids for all the work they do at our house. I told her I was worried they were working too hard and she laughed at me.

[Anonymous]

Go back to work, OP. SAHMs raise the most entitled, lazy children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know the first part of my question is true. We’ve turned her into a brat.

She’s used to us catering. Doesn’t like a dinner, I’ll pop something in the oven for her.

I pick her up from school and need to run an errand? She doesn’t want to go so I go out of my way to drop her off at home.

She’s 10.

We sort of went cold turkey and stopped the cooking of other food, and like yesterday, I had the day off but did other things, so when I picked her up I had to stop to grocery shop. I didn’t drop her off at home.

The attitude is astounding. She told me, you had all day to do this.

I know it’ll get better once she realizes we aren’t catering to her anymore, but any tips on making this an easier transition?

And please don’t attack me, I’m trying to do better. I realize my error and I’m trying to fix it.

I'm a person who likes to help others. So I'd do something like drop an adult off at a house so they don't have to schlep around with me in a store. We do these types of things every day. So I don't think it's a bad thing to do in itself. She just needs to understand it can't always be done, just like you wouldn't be able to accommodate an adult sometimes. This is just how life works.

Part of this is the age. Kids are self-centered. They have no clue what it means to coordinate hundreds of details a day for multiple people, possibly pets, and jobs. I talk my son through it when he gets frustrated. Sometimes I can drop him off. Sometimes he's stuck with me. What can he do to make his time in Mom jail more tolerable? I used to have a book with me wherever I went and I would just read. My son doesn't. But he likes listening to music. So I told him to have his airpods with him. Take some agency in making himself more comfortable when he can't do what he wants to do.

With the stuff like the different meals. I involve my son in the cooking. I show him how I make 3 things for dinner (protein, veggie, additional veggie/starch) so that there's something everyone likes, even if they aren't thrilled with the protein. I let him cook on Wednesdays, which helps me out time-wise, shows him what's involved in preparing a whole meal for people, and better understand the impact of feedback after putting in the effort.

And finally, we practice gratitude. I talk about how some things suck, but others are great. And we need to focus on what's good in our lives, what we are lucky to have. And discuss how to build the resilience to manage the rest.

It's a long-term effort. But my son is now 15 and I see the pay-off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not too late but don’t back down. Your child shouldn’t be speaking to you like that, yes, it sounds like you’re raising a brat but you’re trying to reform. Good luck.

+1 it's not too late. She's only 10. Let her know how you expect to be treated.

[Anonymous]

You need to practice your cold, hard, silent stare.

[Anonymous]

You’re doing the right thing. It’s never too late.

One thing that helps me is remembering I’m trying to raise an adult. Imagine what she needs to be able to do well in college. It’ll be here very soon.

I also imagine how I’d want my grandchildren to behave. Somehow that distancing move helps me. I’d want my grandchild to treat his mother in a respectful and helpful way. So better teach her how to do that now.

[Anonymous]

When my son was younger and said inappropriate things like that (before he was medicated for ADHD), I would say, "Oh. I think what you meant to say was 'Mom, can you drop me off at home first, please?" Then I would make him repeat it and then say, "We don't have time today but maybe another day if you ask nicely." Then ignore the grumpiness that will ensue.

[Anonymous]

I realized the same error with my son at some point and framed it this way: "Now that you're older, we're not cooking anything separate for you. If you don't like what's for dinner, you can make yourself something else."