Am I raising a brat, and how do I fix this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be super honest with her. The adults in the household sit her down and say "You've become really spoiled and bratty. It's been kind of okay because you've been little and cute but you're growing up, and it's turning into b*tchiness. If you continue this way, people won't like you, you won't get jobs, you won't have friends, nobody will invite you to do anything, and on and on. So we are going to help you to become a better person. That's part of our job as your parents. Going forward, you are NOT the center of this household. You will get everything you need, and some of the things you want, sometimes. When you forget your manners, we will remind you once. If you refuse to say please or thank you, you will be sent to your room until you're ready to behave appropriately. Understand?"

And then be VERY consistent. Very, Very consistent.

No to the first part, which makes her seem like she’s too old to be cute. The “you had all day to do this” shouldn’t fly by about age five, so this isn’t about age.

You are doing the right thing, OP. The transition will be hard but stick to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be super honest with her. The adults in the household sit her down and say "You've become really spoiled and bratty. It's been kind of okay because you've been little and cute but you're growing up, and it's turning into b*tchiness. If you continue this way, people won't like you, you won't get jobs, you won't have friends, nobody will invite you to do anything, and on and on. So we are going to help you to become a better person. That's part of our job as your parents. Going forward, you are NOT the center of this household. You will get everything you need, and some of the things you want, sometimes. When you forget your manners, we will remind you once. If you refuse to say please or thank you, you will be sent to your room until you're ready to behave appropriately. Understand?"

And then be VERY consistent. Very, Very consistent.

This is… awful. It’s laying the blame all on her, a 10yo child, when it’s been her parents who have raised her this way. So present the new world order a slightly different way:

“Especially since Covid, I think we’ve all been in our own little bubbles, doing our own thing and not really thinking about how our family can work as a team, and how one person’s behaviors affect the others. Dad and I want to get better at this, and we need your help. This winter, we’re all going to practice being flexible and helpful. Sometimes that will mean that we will find a way to lend you a hand — picking you up from school so you don’t have to walk, asking for suggestions for dinner. But sometimes it will mean that we need you to help us — running errands, or putting your laundry away. It’s nice when everyone feels appreciated.”

As an aside, get into the habit of talking about what you did while she was in school or at her activity. Kids just assume we parents stay in suspended animation until they send up the Bat Signal. If she gets the picture that you have a plan for your day just like she has a plan for hers, it will help develop a little more empathy and reduce the narcissism.

[Anonymous]

I think I would explain why you are changing the rules, as it were. And then just ignore her when she makes snotty comments, or say, "That's a very rude thing to say. Please speak respectfully." Stay calm She's going to complain, but I wouldn't get into it with her. Be consistent, don't feel like you have to justify it. And be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better.

[Anonymous]

Mine are 4 and 8, and when they are having a bratty streak I tell them in a calm, stern voice, "Excuse me. That was very rude," or "That was very disrespectful. You do not speak that way to me." Then I make them apologize which is sometimes like pulling teeth (because they're embarrassed.) But they should be embarrassed.

Sometimes all that is needed is an "Excuse me" and a stern look into the rear-view mirror.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I would explain why you are changing the rules, as it were. And then just ignore her when she makes snotty comments, or say, "That's a very rude thing to say. Please speak respectfully." Stay calm She's going to complain, but I wouldn't get into it with her. Be consistent, don't feel like you have to justify it. And be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better.

This. And never explain yourself to her. You want to shop at 3 pm that's when you shop. What you did with the rest of the day is your decision and you don't owe an explanation.

[Anonymous]

PP again. And don't call your child a b****. That should go without saying.

[Anonymous]

Don't over-explain it to her. The more you talk about it, the more she'll argue with you or otherwise say provocative things.

Just change your behavior. And be consistent.

Again, you don't need to justify it to her or anyone else. You're the parent.

As for her talking back about it, I literally wouldn't respond. Just let it fall flat. Silence speaks VOLUMES in this case. (Responding signals to her that the issue is up for discussion. It's NOT. So don't respond to her commentary - your silence is a great signal that what she's saying has no influence on the situation.)

Finally, changing the situation is more about YOU than it is about her. Remind youreslf that this is not a democracy. You do not need her consent to change your behavior and expectations does not require consensus. Your DD is 10.
You're the parent. Be the parent.

Good luck. You've got this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does she do? She needs to contribute more. Laundry, cook dinner once a week at least. Clean rooms, bathrooms, yard work etc.

That seems ambitious for ten.

DP: That's the age when my kids started. I supervised but they had their specialties. Usually something simple like a salad and quiche or a salad and pasta.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know the first part of my question is true. We’ve turned her into a brat.

She’s used to us catering. Doesn’t like a dinner, I’ll pop something in the oven for her.

I pick her up from school and need to run an errand? She doesn’t want to go so I go out of my way to drop her off at home.

She’s 10.

We sort of went cold turkey and stopped the cooking of other food, and like yesterday, I had the day off but did other things, so when I picked her up I had to stop to grocery shop. I didn’t drop her off at home.

The attitude is astounding. She told me, you had all day to do this.

I know it’ll get better once she realizes we aren’t catering to her anymore, but any tips on making this an easier transition?

And please don’t attack me, I’m trying to do better. I realize my error and I’m trying to fix it.

You shouldn’t be taking your kid grocery shopping during the pandemic. It’s safer for her and others to leave her at home.

Otherwise, I generally agree with your thinking. I’m not sure what to stay about fixing it.

But given covid, I would not take her with you on errands that require going inside.

[Anonymous]

OP - she does for herself. Unless there is a safety risk.

Honestly, this is what you work towards. Maybe at 10 she's not ready, but you move in that direction over several years - of her not needing you. And you not being there (unless you want to be/think you should be ... and that can be confidential)

By 6th grade, certainly by 8th I was fixing my dinners most nights. That was my life because my parents traveled a lot. That is probably not what you want your life to be like -- but -- you could make her responsible for fixing dinner for that family 2 night a week. Maybe responsible for clean-up most nights of the week. That type of thing.

Why are you driving her to school? Unless it's a true safety issue, if it's within a few miles, you shouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Definitely don't call your daughter a b*tch because of the way you raised her.

I think the key things are to be no-nonsense but also pleasant and non-punitive (model the behavior you want to see from her). If she complains or says something rude and you respond with some version of "this is what we are talking about, you act like a brat," you aren't going to get anywhere with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know the first part of my question is true. We’ve turned her into a brat.

She’s used to us catering. Doesn’t like a dinner, I’ll pop something in the oven for her.

I pick her up from school and need to run an errand? She doesn’t want to go so I go out of my way to drop her off at home.

She’s 10.

We sort of went cold turkey and stopped the cooking of other food, and like yesterday, I had the day off but did other things, so when I picked her up I had to stop to grocery shop. I didn’t drop her off at home.

The attitude is astounding. She told me, you had all day to do this.

I know it’ll get better once she realizes we aren’t catering to her anymore, but any tips on making this an easier transition?

And please don’t attack me, I’m trying to do better. I realize my error and I’m trying to fix it.

Wow. I would have a hard time not smacking her face for that remark. I'm glad you are seeing the error of your ways now. Just make sure your words match your actions. She may up the ante just to get you to relent so expect that. GL!

[Anonymous]

Please OP, remember every one of her comments and report back to us! We will get mad for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine are 4 and 8, and when they are having a bratty streak I tell them in a calm, stern voice, "Excuse me. That was very rude," or "That was very disrespectful. You do not speak that way to me." Then I make them apologize which is sometimes like pulling teeth (because they're embarrassed.) But they should be embarrassed.

Sometimes all that is needed is an "Excuse me" and a stern look into the rear-view mirror.

This, keep it simple and be consistent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't over-explain it to her. The more you talk about it, the more she'll argue with you or otherwise say provocative things.

Just change your behavior. And be consistent.

Again, you don't need to justify it to her or anyone else. You're the parent.

As for her talking back about it, I literally wouldn't respond. Just let it fall flat. Silence speaks VOLUMES in this case. (Responding signals to her that the issue is up for discussion. It's NOT. So don't respond to her commentary - your silence is a great signal that what she's saying has no influence on the situation.)

Finally, changing the situation is more about YOU than it is about her. Remind youreslf that this is not a democracy. You do not need her consent to change your behavior and expectations does not require consensus. Your DD is 10.
You're the parent. Be the parent.

Good luck. You've got this!

+1. I agree with this approach.