Should I Ask For A Ring Before Moving In?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew I wanted marriage. I made clear while dating that I expected a ring before we would move in together, and that’s how it happened. We’re approaching 18 years of marriage now. But the key is that I knew what I wanted. What is it that you want?

OP here. I didn’t expect to why engaged before moving in. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend before and it’s all new territory. I trust his word and how he feels about me. Now I’m not so sure. Most of my family members have been married for 20+ years, with most being married for 40+ years. I trust their opinion since they are all very happily married. Some of my friends agree and got engaged before moving in, and some didn’t feel they needed to get engaged before moving in. They both make good arguments for both sides and now I’m confused about what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never and would never live with a man without a commitment. Too many friends stuck for years then had to move out. If you aren't talking about marriage then do not move in.

Well, to be fair, 50 percent of marriages end in divorce too, which is terribly traumatic and usually involves kids.

But I agree.

+1. Most of these marriages don’t even work out. Do what’s right for you and don’t listen to what others say.

I have a friend who always gave advice on marriage and relationships. She told friends they were doing it the wrong way, etc. Guess who is now the one divorced? Her. The friends who didn’t listen to her advice are still married.

[Anonymous]

How old are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have talked many times and have had very serious discussions about getting engaged and married. We have not set a timeline or a date, but we want to get married.

I thought I would move in and see how loving together went to just be sure. I spend most of my time at his place, but I’ve had friends do the same and then move in with their partners only to realize they can’t live together and break up. We both take marriage very seriously and it’s not something either of us want to rush into. He’s more willing but I don’t feel there is a need to rush.

Friends and family telling me to make sure I get engaged first now makes me question if I should do that. I don’t want to put him on the spot and feel like he has to rush, but I also do not want to become a woman who moves in and never gets a ring. I’m not sure what to do.

You should not ask for a ring before moving in together. You should live together and make sure you CAN live together before getting engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew I wanted marriage. I made clear while dating that I expected a ring before we would move in together, and that’s how it happened. We’re approaching 18 years of marriage now. But the key is that I knew what I wanted. What is it that you want?

OP here. I didn’t expect to why engaged before moving in. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend before and it’s all new territory. I trust his word and how he feels about me. Now I’m not so sure. Most of my family members have been married for 20+ years, with most being married for 40+ years. I trust their opinion since they are all very happily married. Some of my friends agree and got engaged before moving in, and some didn’t feel they needed to get engaged before moving in. They both make good arguments for both sides and now I’m confused about what to do.

Don't listen to other people. That's what you should do. Go with your initial feelings on this. It sounds like you've talked about engagement and marriage. It sounds like you trust him. Go for it. You can always move out.

[Anonymous]

I’m not a relationship or marriage expert but I say do what works for you.

I moved in with my now husband at 1 year before we got engaged. I was happy and didn’t feel I needed to rush. We got engaged a two months later and married a year later.

I have a close friend who moved in around the 1 year date and they dated for another year before getting engaged and married.

My other close friend wanted to be engaged before she moved in. They dated for a little over a year and were married a year later.

All of us our very happy. All of us did what we felt was right for us.

I think most men who don’t propose after moving in were never going to in the first place. Getting engaged before moving in doesn’t mean you will get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you know what he wants in life? Like does he want marriage, kids, etc? Living together is a natural precursor to that. Every married couple I know (myself included) lived together before getting engaged. I don’t buy into that whole idea about why would men propose if they’re getting the benefits of marriage already. Lots of men do want committed relationships and marriage and kids. Living together is a good way to take the next step to that, save money, and spend more time together.

If you haven’t talked about it, now is a good time. Just be upfront about what you want and when you may want it.

OP here. Yes. He told me on the like date 3 that he was looking for a relationship that would hopefully become very serious. He’s ready to settle down and didn’t want to waste my time if I wasn’t considering marriage in the near future. We have had at least a handful of serious conversations about our future since then. We don’t have a timeline but we both want to get married and have kids.

We are in love and I see myself marrying him. I’ve never lived with a partner before and navigating this stage is new to me. He has told me many times he will marry me. His brother wife told me a couple of months at their wedding how my boyfriend told them he plans to marry me and that he was sure I was it for him. She said that he told them very early on and many times more that he knew he wanted to marry me.

It sounds to me like his intentions are very serious. In that case, and if you’re both in at least your late 20s or an age where it makes sense to see an engagement in a year, moving in makes sense. Many people these days what to live together before getting married. DH and I did, 15 years ago. He proposed four months after we moved in and we got married a year later. I could tell he wasn’t the kind of guy to mess around, though. By the time we moved in we had been together 1.5 years and we were both nearing 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I knew I wanted marriage. I made clear while dating that I expected a ring before we would move in together, and that’s how it happened. We’re approaching 18 years of marriage now. But the key is that I knew what I wanted. What is it that you want?

OP here. I didn’t expect to why engaged before moving in. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend before and it’s all new territory. I trust his word and how he feels about me. Now I’m not so sure. Most of my family members have been married for 20+ years, with most being married for 40+ years. I trust their opinion since they are all very happily married. Some of my friends agree and got engaged before moving in, and some didn’t feel they needed to get engaged before moving in. They both make good arguments for both sides and now I’m confused about what to do.

What is his “word”? Has he said he wants to marry you and plans to propose?

[Anonymous]

I have not read the replies here.

But, girl, seriously. If you are polling family members and the internet for a decision on something like this, you are not ready for either step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or try something radical and don’t move in until married.

Riiight, don’t try living together before entering into a lifelong contract that involves living together. That always works out well.

Statistically, it works out much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not read the replies here.

But, girl, seriously. If you are polling family members and the internet for a decision on something like this, you are not ready for either step.

OP here. I never polled my family or friends. I excitedly told them about moving in and they started giving advice. I came here because I do want to know what is normal in this scenario. I have never been to the point of marrying someone or living with a guy. I’m simply asking for advice based on unsolicited advice I got. That’s doesn’t mean I’m not ready or serious about moving in or getting married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you?

OP here. I’m 30 and he is 35.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you OP? 20s or 30s?

OP here. I’m 30. He’s 35.

You need to start getting it together. Fertility declines rapidly by 30. You need to hurry up if you want kids.

[Anonymous]

I lived with 3 boyfriends, including my now husband, and value the experience of having lived with them before we committed to getting married.

I would never commit to a man before really knowing him... and that takes living with him.

[Anonymous]

I lived with my spouse before we were engaged. I agree with those that say that you shouldn’t be taking a poll on this. Some random aunt has got nothing of value to say. You need to trust your own feelings. The one exception- if your siblings and friends say that he is not a good guy, I would take that very seriously.