How to 'get over' my parents' untimely deaths?

[Anonymous]

OP I have also lost both my parents and I understand in many ways your loss is greater, given their relative youth.
Finding acceptance in the death is the number 1 thing, I believe and everything else positive stems from that.

There's a lot of beautiful and thoughtful poetry written about lost parents, I would start there - so that you feel it is a universal fate, so that you don't feel alone in this grief.

You don't have to stop grieving ever, just find more space to allow the positives back in.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am also an only child who lost her dad at too early an age. (I have never been closed with my mom). It has been a pivotal and devastating part of my life. I am pretty sure I will never "get over" it. I have a friend who lost her dad 25 years ago and she says she misses him endlessly. So now I just think of that - it's endless.

I would suggest therapy, if only to be able to tell someone how you feel. It's hard and it's awful and yes, I cry every time I see an old man doing something and realize my father won't be able to do that. Or when something happens and he's the only one I want to share it with. We were so close, and even though I am married with children of my own, his loss created a huge hole in my life that will never be filled.

I'm so sorry. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know that we ever get over it, OP. We learn to live with it.

My mother died of cancer when I was 23. She was only 52. I had no relationship with my father but he died when I was in my 20s, too. I've had no parents for nearly my entire adult life. My mom died before I hit nearly all of the typical adult milestones. It's been 20 years and I feel her absence nearly every day, but I power through. She would've wanted me to live a full, happy life so that's what I try to do. God knows I'm acutely aware of how short life can be, especially as I approach the age she was when she got sick.

I do things that help me to feel close to her. I talk about her often with DH and my kids. I share stories about her, or when we hear a song she liked, I'll mention it. I'm sure my DH has heard some of these stories countless times but he always listens. I've always been close with my mother's family, even as a kid, and we've maintained that closeness over the years. I just spent an hour talking to my aunt on the phone the other day. Having strong family connections beyond my immediate family of origin has really helped me.

But it's still hard, some days are worse than others. Even though I have my own family now, I still feel a bit untethered. The one person who loved me unconditionally, more than anyone else in the world, is long gone. I will never hear her tell me she's proud of the woman I've become, or that I've built a wonderful family, or that I'm doing a good job. I have to be the one to tell myself that. (No disrespect to my DH, who is wonderful, but it's different when those affirmations come from a parent). It's hard when I see my friends with their mothers, especially friends who have kids. Around the time I had my first child, it felt like I was grieving the loss of my mom all over again. No one could understand why such a happy event was tinged with such sadness and loss. Having my own children opened up the wound again.

I, too, read "Motherless Daughters" shortly after my mom died. More recently, I read "Motherless Mothers" by the same author. Both books helped a lot and put my grief into perspective.

Look into some therapy and/or find ways to keep their spirits alive, which might help you feel less alone and sad.

DP who is in the same boat. You said it perfectly. I told my husband the other day that I felt untethered. And that's with an amazing husband, two wonderful kids, a great job, tons of close friends, and a life I adore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, this is OP again.

I would like to thank all of you for your advice, your kind messages of support, and for sharing your stories. I'm sending hugs to those of you who have also lost their parents.

Deep down I know I would benefit from getting counselling. I have often thought about it but then didn't act upon it as, like I said in my post, I was brought up to solve problems on my own and not ask anybody for help. I thought I would eventually make peace with my parents' deaths as time passed, but I know I haven't. I try and avoid situations that trigger me, and I hold onto my parents' material things. Some examples. Celebrating Christmas with my inlaws. One of my SILs and her husband love hosting family on Christmas Day. They are great hosts and wonderful cooks. I love Christmas too, but celebrating with DH's family makes me feel anxious and sad because I miss the Christmases with my parents. I even get anxious in the weeks and days leading up to the day. I know it's pathetic to feel like this. I smile and act jolly when I'm there but I'm hurting inside.

I've kept most of my parents' clothes. They are neatly stored in our house. I sometimes look at the clothes or I feel the fabrics, especially when I'm feeling down. They're like a comfort blanket. I have also kept many of my mom's books and her postcard collection. And all the family photos (hundreds). My mom's glasses. My dad's paperwork and notebooks. And various other things.

My parents had a full and happy life, they loved every minute of it, and I'm thankful for that. I know they would feel sad and disappointed even, if they knew I was unhappy.

As for making friends, I find it quite hard to develop new friendships as an adult, which is strange as I work in a very people-oriented field where I have to do a lot talking to new people all the time. I do have 2 or 3 good old friends in my hometown. We've know each other since kindergarten and they never moved away. They knew my parents, and I knew theirs.
We keep in touch and we meet up when I visit.

DH has been so supportive throughout.

OP, you are NOT pathetic to feel like that. Unless you've been in this boat, you wouldn't understand, but those of us in it with you get it. You're not pathetic. This is hard.

[Anonymous]

OP - I'm another one in your situation. I was 23 when my mother died and 33 when my father died, then my beloved sibling died a few years ago. As others have said, you don't get over it, you just learn to live with it. I miss them all terribly and I always will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I'm another one in your situation. I was 23 when my mother died and 33 when my father died, then my beloved sibling died a few years ago. As others have said, you don't get over it, you just learn to live with it. I miss them all terribly and I always will.

OP here. I'm so sorry for your losses. Not only did you lose your parents when you were young, but a sibling as well. That sounds really hard. Hugs.

You are right, you learn to live with it and you get used to the fact that they're no longer around.

In my case, I learned to live with it - but only on the surface. Outwardly no one would think that I'm still struggling. I just put a happy face on.

I wish I would be more resilient to other people's behaviour, or things they say (albeit unintentionally).
Got triggered again yesterday. MIL's 92nd birthday. We video called her to wish her a happy birthday. MIL and I are great friends, I love her and she loves me. One of my SILs (DH's sister) was there and sat next to MIL and she kept hugging and touching MIL and saying how great it was that she could be with her mom, and then talked about all the birthday presents that were waiting to be opened, etc. This in itself is nice, and she is her own daughter after all, but it triggered me. As usual I acted smiley and chatty and all that, but inside I felt crap. I enjoy MIL's company, she's a sweet lady, but when SIL is with her the dynamic changes.

Putting on an outwardly happy face all the time when you have unresolved issues can be exhausting.Perhaps this is something that counselling might be able to address ...?

[Anonymous]

OP, why aren't you embracing happiness? No marriage. No kids. Why lead this empty life?

I don't think all of this is about your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why aren't you embracing happiness? No marriage. No kids. Why lead this empty life?

I don't think all of this is about your parents.

Hi, OP again. I am married. We've been married for 23 years. No kids.

I have an interesting job that I love. It is very people-oriented and I get to travel around the country. I don't ever feel sad when I'm working because I don't have the time to think about private issues when I'm at work.

I have hobbies and interests.

I don't think my life is empty. It's just a big part of it that is not there anymore.

[Anonymous]

One thought-try volunteering with elderly who have dementia-the really challenging ones. You have romanticized what the future would look like. You need to see the stark reality many of us face with aging parents over many year. Experience a few times and imagine it being your reality day after day for many years. Have any friends with challenging elderly parents? Offer to be a volunteer "buddy" for a while...long enough for the person feel comfortable enough that the good behavior for guests wares off.

You get to paint a Normal Rockwell painting in your head of all you missed, but perhaps that painting needs to be adjusted. Yes, some people do have parents who age pleasantly and then pass, many of us don't. Go see what that life is like. Get a glimpse. There is a crisis right now of how best to care for all these people and how to afford it all. Honor your parent's memory by doing some volunteer work and see the harsh reality.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you had a knee injury that was keeping you from walking, you’d go see a doctor. Your emotional pain is keeping you from enjoying life as much as you can, so go see a therapist.

You don’t need to “get over” it, but you need to find ways to cope better—what you’ve been doing on your own isn’t working or you wouldn’t be posting here.

[Anonymous]

My parents passed at similar young ages about as long ago as yours did.

At this point, you need to start giving serious thought to therapy to deal with your feelings and emotions because it's holding you back.

Sure, I miss my parents and wistfully think at times how nice it would be if they had lived longer. And of course shed a few tears now and then but by and large it's not an ever present thought even when I see friends with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents passed at similar young ages about as long ago as yours did.

At this point, you need to start giving serious thought to therapy to deal with your feelings and emotions because it's holding you back.

Sure, I miss my parents and wistfully think at times how nice it would be if they had lived longer. And of course shed a few tears now and then but by and large it's not an ever present thought even when I see friends with their parents.

OP again. You've hit the nail on the head, it is holding me back. I hold onto my parents' material possessions and DH and I sometimes spend vacations in the same places we used to spend vacations as a family when I was a child. Luckily my DH likes these places a lot.

One of my oldest friends, who still lives in my hometown, is in a similar situation as me. She's 54, her father died of a cardiac arrest in 1992 at the age of 62 and her mom passed 7 years ago, aged 80 or so. My friend has no siblings, no kids and she divorced her husband a long time ago. She is alone. She lives in her parents' house. She still grieves her parents, BUT she has a massive friendship circle. She is quite the social butterfly, she goes out a lot and she constantly surrounds herself with other people.
Sadly I don't have any close girlfriends in my area (no one for a deep conversation) just friendly acquaintances and co-workers.

So yes, it may be time for some grief counselling ...

Thank you all for your feedback, it has been helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom died at 37, I was 3. My dad died at 62, I was 24. My brother died at 19, I was 12.

You move on. Force yourself. Make your own traditions, knock out your bucket list, create strong friendships.

Therapy may help, but you have to be open to it.

This!

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. In a way I related to your post even though my mom is alive but has Alzheimer's. Similar to what some of the PPs said, there is no "home" to go back to, and no one who really loves me unconditionally anymore the way a parent does. I am lucky if my mom remembers who I am. My dad died suddenly and it was horrible but I do remind myself that at least I did not have to watch him slip away (and, more importantly, he did not have to experience it himself). It does seem like therapy may help you, but it also may be worth reminding yourself that even if your parents were alive, you might be stuck watching them suffer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, this is OP again.

I would like to thank all of you for your advice, your kind messages of support, and for sharing your stories. I'm sending hugs to those of you who have also lost their parents.

Deep down I know I would benefit from getting counselling. I have often thought about it but then didn't act upon it as, like I said in my post, I was brought up to solve problems on my own and not ask anybody for help. I thought I would eventually make peace with my parents' deaths as time passed, but I know I haven't. I try and avoid situations that trigger me, and I hold onto my parents' material things. Some examples. Celebrating Christmas with my inlaws. One of my SILs and her husband love hosting family on Christmas Day. They are great hosts and wonderful cooks. I love Christmas too, but celebrating with DH's family makes me feel anxious and sad because I miss the Christmases with my parents. I even get anxious in the weeks and days leading up to the day. I know it's pathetic to feel like this. I smile and act jolly when I'm there but I'm hurting inside.

I've kept most of my parents' clothes. They are neatly stored in our house. I sometimes look at the clothes or I feel the fabrics, especially when I'm feeling down. They're like a comfort blanket. I have also kept many of my mom's books and her postcard collection. And all the family photos (hundreds). My mom's glasses. My dad's paperwork and notebooks. And various other things.

My parents had a full and happy life, they loved every minute of it, and I'm thankful for that. I know they would feel sad and disappointed even, if they knew I was unhappy.

As for making friends, I find it quite hard to develop new friendships as an adult, which is strange as I work in a very people-oriented field where I have to do a lot talking to new people all the time. I do have 2 or 3 good old friends in my hometown. We've know each other since kindergarten and they never moved away. They knew my parents, and I knew theirs.
We keep in touch and we meet up when I visit.

DH has been so supportive throughout.

Hi OP, I'm a new poster and my sister died in her 20s, in a very violent horrible way. It was a really traumatic time for my family. I found therapy hugely helpful and it wasn't something I'd planned to do originally. But I wanted to feel better--I wanted to give myself permission to feel better--and I was having a lot of trouble functioning. I think of therapy in this setting as helping you learn how to help yourself. It's not like the therapist has a roadmap and hands it to you. They are really helping you identify tools and strategies that suit you. Helping you find a path forward that feels right.

I don't think you are pathetic at all. I think grief/loss especially when it's not "supposed" to happen is incredibly difficult, and our society isn't really set up to support people enduring it. It's also not like you flip a switch and it's "over." It is never over, but we can find new ways to live our lives. Ten years later I still have many items that belonged to my sister. Some I actively use, and others are in boxes or drawers, and may sit there forever.

This might sound silly, but getting a dog about 5 years after my sister died helped me a lot. It got me out of the house, got me exercising, forced me to socialize with other dog owners. Of course I wouldn't recommend this if you don't like dogs! Or maybe you already have one. But I offer this example to show how many different ways there are to move forward. And moving forward doesn't mean letting go of the parents you loved and lost. As a pp mentioned, sometimes it can also help to find something that mattered to the person/people who died, and carry that forward in their memory or honor.

It sounds like for you, having a little more control over the triggers of your grief and finding new ways to connect with people might make life easier, and I bet this is something a good therapist can help with. Best of luck and be gentle with yourself.