How to 'get over' my parents' untimely deaths?

[Anonymous]

I'm early 50s, married, no kids.

My mom died in 1999, cervical cancer. She died 7 months after being diagnosed.
Dad died in 2008, of sepsis, after having been ill with complications for more than 3 years. Dad remained single after my mom died.

Mom was only 51 when she passed, and Dad 64.

Time has not been a good healer. I am still finding this hard, after all these years. My parents have missed out on so much, and so have I.
I sometimes get angry and sad inside when I see friends with their parents. Especially their mothers. Or when they talk about the all the fun things they did with their parents, like going on a shopping trip, having meals together, going on vacation. Christmas is a big trigger. Mother's Day too.
It all feels very unfair.

I often try and imagine what my parents would be doing now if they were alive. Mom would be 74 this year, and Dad 77. They would be retired and doing all the things on their bucket list.
My parents always lived life to the full, for which I feel happy

I don't have siblings, so no one to share childhood memories with. I have aunts, uncles and cousins and their kids. My relationship with them is friendly but not really close.

My DH has been very supportive, but I still feel alone and sometimes detached from others in a strange way.
It doesn't help that I don't have a large friendship circle. I have mainly acquaintances and co-workers but no close friends.

Any suggestions? DH suggested bereavement counselling but I've never had counselling or therapy before. I was brought up to solve my own problems.

[Anonymous]

I think therapy would really help. You probably don't even need a bunch of sessions. It is really helpful to talk through these feelings. I'm really sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I'm very similar OP- I'm an only child. Parents were divorced. My father became totally incapacitated (feeding tube, wheel chair) at 55 when I was 20 and never recovered- he died when I was 35. My mother died when I was 25 and she was 55 very suddenly. So by 25, I was basically on my own. I do have close friends though and that really helps. Not super close to relatives although I like spending holidays with them.

I think this whole situation has affected my whole life. Still feel unstable in some ways. Sought out a marriage that would help me feel more stable although hasn't worked in all ways. Definitely therapy helped and lexapro helps for anxiety. Would definitely recommend a counselor. Solving the problem on your own means seeking out the help you need. It never goes away but therapy definitely helps.

[Anonymous]

It is unfair.
My sister died five years ago at 40. Her kids were 21, 15, and 13.
They are still angry and sad and I imagine they will be when they are in Their fifties.
Own it, feel it, acknowledge the feelings and then try to shift focus.
Nothing else to do.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I agree that therapy might be helpful.

Would it help to reach out to your aunts/uncles/cousins (the one that you are closest to) and say that you've been feeling this way lately, and spending extra time together would be helpful?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP.

I'm the first in my peer group to lose both parents, and I really get you on the envy part. One of my closest family friends, whom my parents had helped out a lot, has both of her parents still and their lifestyle is what I imagine my parents would have had they lived this long. It makes me really wistful sometimes.

My parents died when both my kids were very young (under 3). They've missed out on all the milestones and happy memories. Watching my kids growing is a constant reminder that they were robbed their grandparents while all their friends have those bonds with theirs.

The only friend I don't envy lost her mom when she was still a teen. My heart hurts for her.

It's helpful to talk to someone professional to process your feelings. I talked to a grief counselor shortly before mom died and just having that outlet was a big help.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP, I get it. I'd also lost both parents by the time I hit 30. It's been years, but since most people i know still have at least one parent, it still stings sometimes to see what's missing.

I agree that you'd probably find therapy helpful. Sending good thoughts your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm very similar OP- I'm an only child. Parents were divorced. My father became totally incapacitated (feeding tube, wheel chair) at 55 when I was 20 and never recovered- he died when I was 35. My mother died when I was 25 and she was 55 very suddenly. So by 25, I was basically on my own. I do have close friends though and that really helps. Not super close to relatives although I like spending holidays with them.

I think this whole situation has affected my whole life. Still feel unstable in some ways. Sought out a marriage that would help me feel more stable although hasn't worked in all ways. Definitely therapy helped and lexapro helps for anxiety. Would definitely recommend a counselor. Solving the problem on your own means seeking out the help you need. It never goes away but therapy definitely helps.

OP here. I'm so sorry for your losses. You were so young when you lost your parents. I'm glad that you have close friends and relatives too.

[Anonymous]

A friend did some unfinished items on her parents’ bucket list. She felt it brought closure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. I agree that therapy might be helpful.

Would it help to reach out to your aunts/uncles/cousins (the one that you are closest to) and say that you've been feeling this way lately, and spending extra time together would be helpful?

OP here. I could try but I'm not sure they would be able to help. Relatives on mom's side of the family are not close. They are not a tight-knit family. They like each other but they hardly socialize, apart from weddings and funerals, etc. The person I am closest to is the wife of my mom's youngest brother. However she is very rational, level-headed and almost business-like so I'm not sure if she'd be the right person to share my emotions with ...

My dad's closest relatives are now in their 90s. His sister is 93 and lives in a care home. I don't want to bother them with this.

So maybe therapy is the way forward...

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for you losses! One thing to keep in mind is may have distorted images of what the future might have looked like. I always thought losing my parents would be the most devastating thing. After watching dad decline into the abysss of Alzheimers over 10 years and having more and more frequent emergencies, falls, hospitalizations and facing the mood swings and seeing him be eventually unable to use the bathroom, talk or even swallow at the end I was so ready for him to pass and rest in peace. I also watched it turn my already challenging mother into an angry tyrant. Now I live in fear of another outburst from my mother. I never know when she will throw verbal daggars at me because she went off her meds and needs a scapegoat and so far this doesn't meet criteria for dementia according to Dr. If I get off the phone, I get long emails with guilt trips, shaming and sometimes just flat out abuse.

If mom and dad died as young as yours did I would be in therapy mourning their loss. Instead I am in therapy processing the abuse, examining my childhood and trying to enforce boundaries and not have a nervous breakdown. I have a spouse, kids and job and this is pure hell.

I hope something I said brings you some sort of relief that you still have beautiful memories of your parents. I'm sorry if I didn't help!

[Anonymous]

OP, go to the family relationships forum. Half the women want their moms dead. 75% wants the same for their MIL. 85% wishes that their SIL/Sister died.

Be thankful that you have good memories.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mom died in her 50s as well. I'm her only child. It's lonely to not to be able to share/laugh about memories with any siblings who would have known her like I did. Being an only child makes grief a little different in my opinion. I agree with counseling, its worth a shot.

[Anonymous]

I strongly encourage bereavement counseling and:or joining a support group. Our society tends to downplay the loss of parents when you are an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I strongly encourage bereavement counseling and:or joining a support group. Our society tends to downplay the loss of parents when you are an adult.

Agree with this advice. I have a relative who was a psychologist specializing in bereavement (before retiring) and said that unprocessed grief can have negative impacts on people all the way through to nursing home age. My parents died when I was in my forties and I agree it is difficult. I think about them way, way more than I would have anticipated, and that is with a husband and youngish kids. It still feels odd to have them gone.