Reply to How to 'get over' my parents' untimely deaths?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't know that we ever get over it, OP. We learn to live with it.

My mother died of cancer when I was 23.  She was only 52.  I had no relationship with my father but he died when I was in my 20s, too.  I've had no parents for nearly my entire adult life. My mom died before I hit nearly all of the typical adult milestones.  It's been 20 years and I feel her absence nearly every day, but I power through. She would've wanted me to live a full, happy life so that's what I try to do.  God knows I'm acutely aware of how short life can be, especially as I approach the age she was when she got sick.

I do things that help me to feel close to her.  I talk about her often with DH and my kids.  I share stories about her, or when we hear a song she liked, I'll mention it.  I'm sure my DH has heard some of these stories countless times but he always listens. I've always been close with my mother's family, even as a kid, and we've maintained that closeness over the years.  I just spent an hour talking to my aunt on the phone the other day. Having strong family connections beyond my immediate family of origin has really helped me.

But it's still hard, some days are worse than others. Even though I have my own family now, [b]I still feel a bit untethered.  The one person who loved me unconditionally, more than anyone else in the world, is long gone. [/b]I will never hear her tell me she's proud of the woman I've become, or that I've built a wonderful family, or that I'm doing a good job.  I have to be the one to tell myself that.  (No disrespect to my DH, who is wonderful, but it's different when those affirmations come from a parent). It's hard when I see my friends with their mothers, especially friends who have kids.  Around the time I had my first child, it felt like I was grieving the loss of my mom all over again. No one could understand why such a happy event was tinged with such sadness and loss.  Having my own children opened up the wound again.

I, too, read "Motherless Daughters" shortly after my mom died.  More recently, I read "Motherless Mothers" by the same author.  Both books helped a lot and put my grief into perspective.

Look into some therapy and/or find ways to keep their spirits alive, which might help you feel less alone and sad.

[/quote]

DP who is in the same boat. You said it perfectly. I told my husband the other day that I felt untethered. And that's with an amazing husband, two wonderful kids, a great job, tons of close friends, and a life I adore. [/quote]

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