Reply to How to 'get over' my parents' untimely deaths?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Hi, this is OP again.

I would like to thank all of you for your advice, your kind messages of support, and for sharing your stories. I'm sending hugs to those of you who have also lost their parents.

Deep down I know I would benefit from getting counselling. [b]I have often thought about it but then didn't act upon it as, like I said in my post, I was brought up to solve problems on my own and not ask anybody for help. [/b]I thought I would eventually make peace with my parents' deaths as time passed, but I know I haven't. I try and avoid situations that trigger me, and I hold onto my parents' material things. Some examples. Celebrating Christmas with my inlaws. One of my SILs and her husband love hosting family on Christmas Day. They are great hosts and wonderful cooks. I love Christmas too, but celebrating with DH's family makes me feel anxious and sad because I miss the Christmases with my parents.  I even get anxious in the weeks and days leading up to the day. I know it's pathetic to feel like this. I smile and act jolly when I'm there but I'm hurting inside.

I've kept most of my parents' clothes. They are neatly stored in our house. I sometimes look at the clothes or I feel the fabrics, especially when I'm feeling down. They're like a comfort blanket. I have also kept many of my mom's books and her postcard collection. And all the family photos (hundreds). My mom's glasses. My dad's paperwork and notebooks. And various other things.

My parents had a full and happy life, they loved every minute of it, and I'm thankful for that. I know they would feel sad and disappointed even, if they knew I was unhappy.

As for making friends, I find it quite hard to develop new friendships as an adult, which is strange as I work in a very people-oriented field where I have to do a lot talking to new people  all the time. I do have 2 or 3 good old friends in my hometown. We've know each other since kindergarten and they never moved away. They knew my parents, and I knew theirs. 
We keep in touch and we meet up when I visit.

DH has been so supportive throughout.

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Hi OP, I'm a new poster and my sister died in her 20s, in a very violent horrible way.  It was a really traumatic time for my family.  I found therapy hugely helpful and it wasn't something I'd planned to do originally.  But I wanted to feel better--I wanted to give myself permission to feel better--and I was having a lot of trouble functioning.  I think of therapy in this setting as helping you learn how to help yourself.  It's not like the therapist has a roadmap and hands it to you. They are really helping you identify tools and strategies that suit you.  Helping you find a path forward that feels right.

I don't think you are pathetic at all.  I think grief/loss especially when it's not "supposed" to happen is incredibly difficult, and our society isn't really set up to support people enduring it. It's also not like you flip a switch and it's "over."  It is never over, but we can find new ways to live our lives.  Ten years later I still have many items that belonged to my sister.  Some I actively use, and others are in boxes or drawers, and may sit there forever.

This might sound silly, but getting a dog about 5 years after my sister died helped me a lot. It got me out of the house, got me exercising, forced me to socialize with other dog owners.  Of course I wouldn't recommend this if you don't like dogs! Or maybe you already have one.  But I offer this example to show how many different ways there are to move forward. And moving forward doesn't mean letting go of the parents you loved and lost.  As a pp mentioned, sometimes it can also help to find something that mattered to the person/people who died, and carry that forward in their memory or honor.

It sounds like for you, having a little more control over the triggers of your grief and finding new ways to connect with people might make life easier, and I bet this is something a good therapist can help with.  Best of luck and be gentle with yourself.

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