Are There Any Red Flags Here?

[Anonymous]

"None of us are particularly obsessed about weight or appearance,"

OMG. OP, you are nothing if not obsessed about physical appearance ("so I let it slide" was the first tipoff). Your obsession with weight, food and appearance comes through loud and clear in your post. Your daughter is getting this from somewhere, and I suspect it's you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"None of us are particularly obsessed about weight or appearance,"

OMG. OP, you are nothing if not obsessed about physical appearance ("so I let it slide" was the first tipoff). Your obsession with weight, food and appearance comes through loud and clear in your post. Your daughter is getting this from somewhere, and I suspect it's you.

I think there’s some projection here, and it’s not OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree to keep an eye on it.

Here’s the deal - the only way to keep our weight in check is to watch what we eat & exercise. That applies to grown women and it applies to 11 year olds. I wish we lived in a magic world where we didn’t have to put effort into it. For some lucky girls and women, you don’t! For the rest of us, we have to, and it doesn’t equate to an eating disorder. It’s just the cold hard truth of staying in shape. If she seems confident and happy with herself and without any OCD tendencies, then I would feel reassured.

This is true for adults, but I don't think it's appropriate for 11 year olds to be thinking about six pack abs and weight/diet/fitness. They still have baby fat, for god-sakes.

Yeah, no 11 year old should be thinking about working out every day or how to get a six pack or restricting food. Like, at all. Not even a little bit.

OP everything you describe is a red flag. I would be pretty worried if my normal weight 14 or 16 year old DDs were behaving this way and would be extremely alarmed as soon as these behaviors started happening if they were 10-11. You need to act now. Seek professional advice to see how to proceed.

[Anonymous]

I would say these are signs of an eating disorder and my best advice is to follow your gut mom instinct in this situation. I dealt with this last year with my then 7th grade daughter - age 12. She commented on how other girls are skinnier and that she didn't look good in any clothes. She started not wanting fruit because it was sweet and not having peanut butter because it reminded her of frosting. She found excuses as to why she couldn't eat most foods. I then found that she was hiding food in her room whenever I gave her things to eat. She dropped 12 pounds in 6 weeks...and her peditrician wasn't too worried because she was at the low end of her BMI. I didn't listen to the peditrician and took her to a therapist and in turn wound up pulling her from school and putting her in intensive out patient therapy. She was there for 4 months and it was awful trying to refeed her to get her back to a healthy weight. I wish I had followed the early signs when she was commenting about how other looked and how she didn't like how she looked. I only had to endure watching her suffer from anorexia for 6 straight months - but it was hell. With eating disorders...the early you intervene the more chance you have of recovering and not relapsing. She has been recovered now for 4 months....and she is back to a normal, healthy teenager. But I truly think she was able to recovery because of early intervention. Trust your gut and try to at least start with some therapy before it escalates out of your control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is basically what the beginning of my eating disorder looked like at that age. But the meals you describe sound pretty normal (not very restrictive or health-obsessed), unless she’s restricting by portion size. I would keep an eye out for controlling behavior/how she reacts when things are outside her control. For instance, is she exercising at the same time everyday, and if she can’t exercise for some reason one day, does she get upset or double up her fitness routine the next day? Does the range of foods she’ll eat become more narrow and does she become upset if you don’t have them? Those would be serious flags for me.

She eats whatever I give her, so portion sizes are good. Some days she’ll eat 4 meals (one light) if she knows that her activities will either take long, or will be strenuous. She skipped working out today because she was sore. She does not double up the following day or get upset about missing workouts due to unforeseen circumstances. She doesn’t work out at the same time every day, but has a schedule she tries to keep - come home, do x, y, z, work out, shower, etc. She was a picky eater as a young child, but eats just about everything now, even weird things I won’t touch.

This honestly sounds fine. The vast majority of teen girls are picking up messages from the media and talking about them. I think we have to be very careful with over-pathologizing. If she eats a healthy amount and is a normal weight those are good signs. If she likes exercise, but isn't obsessive with making up workouts great. Sure, keep an eye on things, but would I race off to a therapist because a normal weight child wants to eat healthy and exercise and also admits it isn't just health, but vanity too? No way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is basically what the beginning of my eating disorder looked like at that age. But the meals you describe sound pretty normal (not very restrictive or health-obsessed), unless she’s restricting by portion size. I would keep an eye out for controlling behavior/how she reacts when things are outside her control. For instance, is she exercising at the same time everyday, and if she can’t exercise for some reason one day, does she get upset or double up her fitness routine the next day? Does the range of foods she’ll eat become more narrow and does she become upset if you don’t have them? Those would be serious flags for me.

She eats whatever I give her, so portion sizes are good. Some days she’ll eat 4 meals (one light) if she knows that her activities will either take long, or will be strenuous. She skipped working out today because she was sore. She does not double up the following day or get upset about missing workouts due to unforeseen circumstances. She doesn’t work out at the same time every day, but has a schedule she tries to keep - come home, do x, y, z, work out, shower, etc. She was a picky eater as a young child, but eats just about everything now, even weird things I won’t touch.

This honestly sounds fine. The vast majority of teen girls are picking up messages from the media and talking about them. I think we have to be very careful with over-pathologizing. If she eats a healthy amount and is a normal weight those are good signs. If she likes exercise, but isn't obsessive with making up workouts great. Sure, keep an eye on things, but would I race off to a therapist because a normal weight child wants to eat healthy and exercise and also admits it isn't just health, but vanity too? No way.

She’s not a teen. She’s 11.

[Anonymous]

So who do we find, if we choose to make sure that there is nothing unhealthy going on? I doubt the pediatrician would be big help; during her annual physical, he talked to her fairly extensively about the need to eat right and exercise, and how this is around the age when kids tend to make poor choices with food, and spend way too much time in front of screens.

[Anonymous]

Any pyschologist/therapist who works with children. You can search for people who handle eating disorders under psychologytoday's website, though you may have to cast a wider net. You could also ask for a recommendation under the Health forum if you are local

IME, child therapists are booked solid both in and out of network, so I would not delay.

[Anonymous]

These responses are kind of strange to me. Your daughter is trying to be active. That’s good. She’s trying to eat healthy and not eat sugary things. That’s good. There’s nothing wrong with that. We should all do that

The only red flag to me in your post is that you said she put on quite a bit of weight, but was still within the healthy range. I found that comment kind of strange. If she’s in the healthy range, why even comment on her weight? Did you make any comments to her or within ear range about her weight?

It’s good exercise. It’s good to not eat sugary foods. I find it odd that you put junk food in her lunch when she is expressed that she doesn’t want it. Maybe your household is not healthy enough and she is trying to change that for herself..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These responses are kind of strange to me. Your daughter is trying to be active. That’s good. She’s trying to eat healthy and not eat sugary things. That’s good. There’s nothing wrong with that. We should all do that

The only red flag to me in your post is that you said she put on quite a bit of weight, but was still within the healthy range. I found that comment kind of strange. If she’s in the healthy range, why even comment on her weight? Did you make any comments to her or within ear range about her weight?

It’s good exercise. It’s good to not eat sugary foods. I find it odd that you put junk food in her lunch when she is expressed that she doesn’t want it. Maybe your household is not healthy enough and she is trying to change that for herself..

Never. But, her doctor did bring it up during her annual physical, in that where she is on the growth chart has changed, and it is something that we need to be aware of. Like she had been in the 30th percentile all this time, but is 80th now, or something like that (I don't remember the exact numbers).

I used to pack her some little 'surprise', for lunch, every once in a while. I don't any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These responses are kind of strange to me. Your daughter is trying to be active. That’s good. She’s trying to eat healthy and not eat sugary things. That’s good. There’s nothing wrong with that. We should all do that

The only red flag to me in your post is that you said she put on quite a bit of weight, but was still within the healthy range. I found that comment kind of strange. If she’s in the healthy range, why even comment on her weight? Did you make any comments to her or within ear range about her weight?

It’s good exercise. It’s good to not eat sugary foods. I find it odd that you put junk food in her lunch when she is expressed that she doesn’t want it. Maybe your household is not healthy enough and she is trying to change that for herself..

Around that age the stress of my family life was really hitting me and yes, girls were comparing thighs and stuff too. I had a sister who was highly competitive and controlling who was the Golden child and always throwing me under the bus, often for things I didn't even do just to retain her status. She also was overweight. I played sports, but not every season. I recalled after a practice or a game that amazing feeling of euphoria and stress relief exercise gave me. I decided during a season I wasn't doing a sport to so a TV show called "20 minute workout" every now and then to feel happier. It worked. My sister "caught" me doing it the basement. Keep in mind I was a normal weight and a healthy eater. She told our mother I was developing an eating disorder because on a Saturday I wanted to workout for 20 minutes. My mother flipped out and made me stop. She still to this day will tell people she saved me from an eating disorder. I realized on the off seasons I struggled with depression and anxiety. It wasn't until college I found my joy. Besides making great friends who were like family and getting away from an very dysfunctional family (could write a book about that), I exercised daily. Never became underweight. Never lost my menstrual cycle or showed signs of an eating disorder. It was a sign of HEALTH and yes, from day 1 I did not just to feel good, but also for vanity reasons. I will admit I did not want to be fat and mean like my sister.

As a middle age adult exercise and healthy eating have kept me from having a nervous breakdown and have kept me thriving. We have been through sandwich generation HELL with both sets of parents now for a decade. One of our kids has health issues. My husband had a major health scare that lasted a year. I could write and endless paragraph on all the stress we have faced on top of the pandemic, but I am so grateful for exercise-especially OUTDOOR exercise, healthy foods and of course friends for helping me thrive despite it all. Be careful what you label pathological. The sister who "turned me in" has type 2 diabetes and endless health issues from her sedentary lifestyle. I am in great health as per all my bloodwork. The mother who flipped out continues to be a miserable person and perhaps if she had found some healthy coping mechanisms she would still have friends and a more fulfilling life.

Eating disorders are real. I would bet you won't find many socially aware tweens who do not know about diet culture and who would not wish to be prettier and fitter, that doesn't mean a choice to exercise more and eat well is bad. I don't think it's anyone's place to insist it's healthier to run around the yard than it is to do a workout video or play on a soccer team. Any exercise is good as long as it is not overdone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These responses are kind of strange to me. Your daughter is trying to be active. That’s good. She’s trying to eat healthy and not eat sugary things. That’s good. There’s nothing wrong with that. We should all do that

The only red flag to me in your post is that you said she put on quite a bit of weight, but was still within the healthy range. I found that comment kind of strange. If she’s in the healthy range, why even comment on her weight? Did you make any comments to her or within ear range about her weight?

It’s good exercise. It’s good to not eat sugary foods. I find it odd that you put junk food in her lunch when she is expressed that she doesn’t want it. Maybe your household is not healthy enough and she is trying to change that for herself..

Never. But, her doctor did bring it up during her annual physical, in that where she is on the growth chart has changed, and it is something that we need to be aware of. Like she had been in the 30th percentile all this time, but is 80th now, or something like that (I don't remember the exact numbers).

I used to pack her some little 'surprise', for lunch, every once in a while. I don't any more.

To add to that, I hadn't really given much thought to the whole growth chart thing, because I figured all our bodies change during puberty, and that's normal and nothing remarkable. So, I was caught a little off-guard when the pediatrician brought it up.

[Anonymous]

It’s a little borderline, so could go either way. If she was playing sports, bike riding, trampoline jumping, or doing something else that was fun exercise I’d be less concerned but straight working out seems questionable for an 11 year old.

My 11 yo has similar interests and I watch it closely. As of now, her interest in healthy eating is more about being “aesthetic” lol and the exercise piece she lost interest in, she was really into it to improve her tumbling skills for cheer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree to keep an eye on it.

Here’s the deal - the only way to keep our weight in check is to watch what we eat & exercise. That applies to grown women and it applies to 11 year olds. I wish we lived in a magic world where we didn’t have to put effort into it. For some lucky girls and women, you don’t! For the rest of us, we have to, and it doesn’t equate to an eating disorder. It’s just the cold hard truth of staying in shape. If she seems confident and happy with herself and without any OCD tendencies, then I would feel reassured.

This is true for adults, but I don't think it's appropriate for 11 year olds to be thinking about six pack abs and weight/diet/fitness. They still have baby fat, for god-sakes.

DP.

What OP's daughter is doing is not even true for many adults. Pretty much all of my skinny friends and adults eat everything; they just eat in moderation. It those of us(myself included) who are addicted to food who have to cut out certain things completely.

An 11 year old cutting out sugars (or certain types of food that she enjoys) completely because she cannot stop if she has a taste is a huge red flag. It's huge enough to see a therapist.

[Anonymous]

When this happened to my daughter I did not find the peditrician helpful. I went to a therapist that specialized in eating disorders and they evaluated my daughter. After my daughter spent some sessions with her it was determined that she was anorexic and needed intensive out patient therapy. I had to wait 6 weeks to get her into a program and that was quick....most places had at least 2 month waiting lists to get into those programs. And it was a scary wait and I had to sit with her daily to get her to even eat 1000 calories of food a day. She was only 12 years old. I suggest you start with a therapist that specializes in eating disorders to see how they diagnosis your daughter. It may be nothing....but if it isn't you will be happy you got early intervention.