Reply to Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

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[quote=Anonymous][quote]        Hugs. It is particularly mind blowing when you had a great/active sex life, a good marriage and family life. I had to almost slap myself every morning for the first 3 months to snap myself back into the new reality...he wasn’t who I thought he was. You give half your life and it’s like finding out he was a Russian spy or something. It is a mind f@ck. Makes you question everything. It does a number on you trusting yourself.

Here’s the thing: they were that good at lying and deceiving. Truly. And it was about them in these type of good marriages. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Sometimes there really are zero signs.

Thank you so much for everything you wrote. Thought I was the only one who felt like this. It's really hard to keep the reality 'real' because the deception was so successfully, expertly hidden.

And since there were “zero” signs, you don’t know what to look out for in the future. That’s the problem I have. If he acted differently, e.g., remote, distant, an @sshole, had a schedule change, worked late often, had overnights, text or phone trace, etc. BUT- with none of these signs there is no way you will ever know if they do it again since they are so good at deception. I looked at pictures, thought if all the nice things he did for me and my family during that time (like he did the entire marriage)...and it’s totally mind-blowing. To the point, I questioned if he is a sociopath. [/quote]

Yep.  NP here, but I echo everything above.  I was also taken 100% off guard by my ex husband's affair.  It is absolutely a mind f@@k, where you feel like you are falling and cant even get the ground under your feet.  It does cause you to question EVERYTHING.  And it does a huge number on your ability to trust yourself.  I also found that it has royally screwed my subsequent relationships.  I always had a very secure attachment style.  I trusted easily.  After I started dating again, I'd actually experience panic attacks if the person I was dating didn't answer when I called, or showed up late, etc.  It's a real trauma to get through.

All that said, I am extremely happy now.  My world blew up in 2016, and I am in the best shape of my life.  I am thriving in my social life.  I'm traveling, kicking butt at work, and generally living my best life.

You WILL get through this.  Measure your progress in months, not days.  Even 4  years out I still have some days that some random memory or realization will knock me to my knees again, but those days are few and far between.

You got this.  [/quote]

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