He runs with her 5-6 days a week.

[Anonymous]

Take up weight lifting. Start talking about being "spotted".

[Anonymous]

OP here. It's been 1.5 months. I know that there were people who were curious to see how this ended up. For the name callers out there, just stop reading this post if you think I'm a troll or a novelist. Again, there are real people involved here and getting peoples honest opinions have been helpful for me to work through this.

We've been seeing our counselor almost once a week and have concluded that he is a high-functioning alcoholic. He stopped drinking that week and immediately started going to AA meetings maybe 4-5 times a week for the past month and has a sponsor now. He's revisiting the idea of making church more a part of his life. He's trying really hard to work on himself and on us everyday. He's more of a present father & husband than he has ever been and extremely attentive to me (daily constant check-ins, love notes, flowers, lots of talking about this, commitment to working on his alcoholism). He makes it very clear, very often that he can't lose me.

Our counselor says that alcoholism was a big part of why he allowed this to happen with this other woman but for me, I'm not totally convinced. I can say that it contributed to it but this affair was going on for a year and I find it hard to believe that all his text messages throughout the day, everyday, had to do with alcohol. Counselor says the brain isn't right for an alcoholic, even during the day when an alcoholic hasn't had a drink. Could that really be true?

DH allowed full access to his texts and e-mails with her and for over a year, they had almost daily communication, all day long, mostly silly banter but definitely a lot of flirting. A lot from her side as if she were baiting him and obviously he fell for it. No new info on the physical-ness of the affair although I keep asking but he continues to stand by the "too long hugs" and "walking arm in arm back to the car" and she kissed him on the lips once to which he said he told her, "There can't be any kissing".

Part of me now is feeling like I should start forgiving but the other part is still REALLY angry and wants revenge. I thought we had such a great marriage and perfect family, businesses, etc. I was completely betrayed and the most hurtful part is that he was reaching out to her daily for over a year.

[Anonymous]

Aren't you curious why he reached out to her instead of you? Are you taking any responsibility in the disconnect? Do you now see the signs in hindsight?

It's not your fault he cheated, but you did play some role in the breakdown of your relationship, right? Perhaps if you keep that in mind, you might be able to let go of the anger/need for revenge?

[Anonymous]

Check out Esther Perel and her new book on infidelity. Check out podcasts where she's been interviewed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren't you curious why he reached out to her instead of you? Are you taking any responsibility in the disconnect? Do you now see the signs in hindsight?

It's not your fault he cheated, but you did play some role in the breakdown of your relationship, right? Perhaps if you keep that in mind, you might be able to let go of the anger/need for revenge?

OP. Such good questions, thank you. Of course I'm curious why. I ask myself that daily. What was my role was in this? I think part of it was that I was so busy taking care of the kids (9 & 12yo), the house, our company/business, that I didn't make time for working on "us" the couple. I totally felt the signs. My intuition radar was going off a lot over the past year but I ignored it thinking that my husband was SO committed to us, he could never do anything wrong (so naive). As I felt him disconnect, I disconnected too. The alcohol made things worse and I wouldn't want to be "with" him when he was drinking and slurring his words, etc.

I just can't believe he could seem so committed to us yet do this with another woman for over a year. That's the hardest part and where the anger is coming from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check out Esther Perel and her new book on infidelity. Check out podcasts where she's been interviewed.

OP. Yes, I have it. She is amazing. Her TED talks are amazing. Not only did the content help but her ability to present (with English as her second language) is incredible. She's obviously a very smart woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren't you curious why he reached out to her instead of you? Are you taking any responsibility in the disconnect? Do you now see the signs in hindsight?

It's not your fault he cheated, but you did play some role in the breakdown of your relationship, right? Perhaps if you keep that in mind, you might be able to let go of the anger/need for revenge?

OP. Such good questions, thank you. Of course I'm curious why. I ask myself that daily. What was my role was in this? I think part of it was that I was so busy taking care of the kids (9 & 12yo), the house, our company/business, that I didn't make time for working on "us" the couple. I totally felt the signs. My intuition radar was going off a lot over the past year but I ignored it thinking that my husband was SO committed to us, he could never do anything wrong (so naive). As I felt him disconnect, I disconnected too. The alcohol made things worse and I wouldn't want to be "with" him when he was drinking and slurring his words, etc.

I just can't believe he could seem so committed to us yet do this with another woman for over a year. That's the hardest part and where the anger is coming from.

I think you two can get through this. If I were in your shoes, I would focus on accepting what's happened, putting it behind you, and moving forward together. Focus on positive steps towards a better relationship. Be open and honest with eachother. Tell him what you need.

Knowing alcoholics, I would offer forgiveness but make clear you will only forgive the cheating once. The ball is in his court: step up, get sober, and be faithful, or else it's over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check out Esther Perel and her new book on infidelity. Check out podcasts where she's been interviewed.

OP. Yes, I have it. She is amazing. Her TED talks are amazing. Not only did the content help but her ability to present (with English as her second language) is incredible. She's obviously a very smart woman.

JFYI that Esther Perel has her own podcast called Where Do We Begin which features couples in their therapy sessions dealing with a broad range of issues, including infidelity.

[Anonymous]

I will be the lone voice of dissent here. I don't think i could get past the constant lying and acting that he has done over the past year. You said it was hard to believe he would do this with how committed he was. Even given that he DID this to you. Chose every day to be deceitful and lie and pretend that he wasn't. He must be a sociopath or one hella good actor.

I have had alcoholics in my life and that is not an easy road at all. Every time he leaves the house you are going to wonder not only is he drinking, but is he with 'her' or another woman.

No way to live life. He made his choices, now he gets to deal with the consequences and sadly that would be without me in it.

[Anonymous]

I think that the deception involved in being an alcoholic is similar to the deception involved in having an emotional affair. Your husband is good at deception. No wonder you are angry and distrustful.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he is in love with both of you and didn't know what to do. In the end he chose you. If you're not ok with it tell him so he can be with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aren't you curious why he reached out to her instead of you? Are you taking any responsibility in the disconnect? Do you now see the signs in hindsight?

It's not your fault he cheated, but you did play some role in the breakdown of your relationship, right? Perhaps if you keep that in mind, you might be able to let go of the anger/need for revenge?

He's an alcoholic. Or are you illiterate? If anyone is to blame, it's him. Nobody else is responsible for HIS actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aren't you curious why he reached out to her instead of you? Are you taking any responsibility in the disconnect? Do you now see the signs in hindsight?

It's not your fault he cheated, but you did play some role in the breakdown of your relationship, right? Perhaps if you keep that in mind, you might be able to let go of the anger/need for revenge?

He's an alcoholic. Or are you illiterate? If anyone is to blame, it's him. Nobody else is responsible for HIS actions.

Happily married men don't stray. It takes two to sustain a happy relationship.

[Anonymous]

How is an alcoholic getting up at 5:30 AM and running? How much was he drinking? That's "higher functioning" than anyone I have ever heard of.

[Anonymous]

OP, millions of people do the same thing as your husband and don't get caught. I'd venture that billions go MUCH further and don't get caught. (At least he set a boundary at the kiss -- he should have set it much much earlier, of course, but at least he knows how to set one...) I'd tell him to consider this a single warning. I'd then tell him exactly what he needed to do on a daily, weekly, monthly, and annual basis, till death do you part, to earn and keep your trust. And then I'd try my best to believe he is a just a human with faults who made a mistake and hopefully learned from it, and I'd try to move on. I'd also try to make some time for a physical activity you can both enjoy. I'd probably avoid running (too close) but walking, hiking, biking, swimming, tennis, etc. are all fun activities that can bring you closer together. Many men bond with others through sports (adrenaline, informal atmosphere, fresh air/break from the grind...), so it could be useful for you two as well. Good luck!