Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child

[Anonymous]

Well, it's pretty safe to say that both side are supported in this issue. Some folks blame you and some blame your BIL. In any case, it's pretty clear that your parenting styles don't mesh. Both of you choose to raise your kids in ways that seem right for your households.

To avoid these scenarios, I'd avoid staying over at one another's houses. You obviously don't see anyone's viewpoint other than your own. It's a no win situation. Continue to socialize at events and neutral areas. Try to keep a better eye on your kids and maybe ask BIL to defer to you for discipline in the future.

If you are at his home, though, expect your kids to live by his rules.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are wither afraid of your BIL, or you are not.

if you are afraid of your BIL, you should not be in that house with your kid.

If you are not afraid of your BIL, then this is the trade-off of being in their house. You have no power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people must have really crappy furniture, like the velour sectionals with floppy arm covers. Or those burgundy and forest green plaid ones from the 90s. Jump away little precious snowflake, mama and papa can just go to goodwill and pick up another Jennifer's convertible sofa.

Haha, I can picture it lol. Either that or super sturdy furniture, but even then, no way do I want kids climbing or jumping on my furniture. That kind of playing is meant for OUTSIDE. And I do tell kids that if they try jumping on the furniture. Definitely a warning for the first attempt, and even a reminder on a second attempt, but after that, I will tell you to stay off the furniture unless you want to use it the way it's intended to be used. I had a few of ds' friends come over and the one kid ran across the room when I opened the door to let him in and jumped up in the air and landed right on the couch! I just had a look of shock and told him to don't ever do that again. I guess that's acceptable at his house, but not at mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people must have really crappy furniture, like the velour sectionals with floppy arm covers. Or those burgundy and forest green plaid ones from the 90s. Jump away little precious snowflake, mama and papa can just go to goodwill and pick up another Jennifer's convertible sofa.

Ayup. And the rest of you must have embarrassingly expensive pristine couches that cause you to have multiple little heart attacks a day, each time anybody goes anywhere near it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people must have really crappy furniture, like the velour sectionals with floppy arm covers. Or those burgundy and forest green plaid ones from the 90s. Jump away little precious snowflake, mama and papa can just go to goodwill and pick up another Jennifer's convertible sofa.

^This is why in the future couches will.have warning labels plastered on their arms.saying "NO STANDING." But it.won't help because some.people insist.on defying not.only good manners.but also.the.law.of.gravity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, it's pretty safe to say that both side are supported in this issue. Some folks blame you and some blame your BIL. In any case, it's pretty clear that your parenting styles don't mesh. Both of you choose to raise your kids in ways that seem right for your households.

To avoid these scenarios, I'd avoid staying over at one another's houses. You obviously don't see anyone's viewpoint other than your own. It's a no win situation. Continue to socialize at events and neutral areas. Try to keep a better eye on your kids and maybe ask BIL to defer to you for discipline in the future.

If you are at his home, though, expect your kids to live by his rules.

Avoidant behavior as you advocate.solves nothing. At what point does OP learn to prooerly suoervise her kids and teach them right from wrong?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You people must have really crappy furniture, like the velour sectionals with floppy arm covers. Or those burgundy and forest green plaid ones from the 90s. Jump away little precious snowflake, mama and papa can just go to goodwill and pick up another Jennifer's convertible sofa.

Ayup. And the rest of you must have embarrassingly expensive pristine couches that cause you to have multiple little heart attacks a day, each time anybody goes anywhere near it.

You must be one of the people responsible for warning labels only an imbecile would actually need. You let your kid jump on my couch, I'll let my dog crap in your rug. You can always get a new one ass.

[Anonymous]

I can't understand how it's safe for a child to stand on the arm of a sofa. If BIL was worried that she'd be seriously injured in his house his reaction was understandable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're going to get a lot of responses on here in support of the BIL because frankly there are a lot of people on here like him. But in my opinion what he did was totally unacceptable. You don't get physical with someone else's kids. If she was on the couch and he didn't like it, and she didn't get down after he told her, he should have said to you or your DH (who were both right there, right??) "get your kid off the couch, i just told her to get down and she didn't listen"

This. I address other peoples' children if they're misbehaving, but I would not physically touch a four year old unless he or she was attacking another child. The OP's daughter was not in immediate physical danger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Wow talk about a situation blown out of proportion...you should have calmed her down in a less dramatic way. You contributed to the chaos. Your in laws apologized, move on. Life is too short to hold a grudge over your child misbehaving.

OP here. Where do you see me contributing to the drama? She was crying and scrambling away from my BIL who was angrily grabbing at her legs. I picked her up and took her away without a word to anyone. As a PP said, this kind of did feel like an instinctive response--I saw that she was terrified and my BIL was angry with her and my first reaction was to get her out of that room.

My DH did not stoop to my BIL's level as my BIL screamed in his face. Instead, he calmly got up with my other daughter and joined me upstairs where we sat with our two crying daughters and tried to figure out the best route. And, we stayed for the party.

Not that PP, but you clearly contributed to both children being freaked out. You reacted very dramatically, acting like you were escaping from domestic violence, and they picked up on that. Being yelled at is not all that scary (it happens a lot to kids). Seeing your mom scared is terrifying.

OP here. Well, yes, it is true that I was scared, especially after he screamed at DH. I did my best to appear calm and collected in front of the kids, but yes, surely they picked up on me being scared. Well, not sure what I could have done to change that. I was scared. What happened was scary to me.

Also, someone suggested that my kids must have been driving him crazy all weekend and just pushed him until he snapped. This is not the case. We arrived late on Friday night (kids were both asleep and we carried them to their beds) and this happened the following morning. So we're talking less than 3 waking hours with them.

When adults can't control their emotions to the extent that they start yelling, I walk away, too. I absolutely don't put up with that nonsense. When they calm down, then we can talk. Otherwise, I don't want to witness an adult having a temper tantrum.

If I was you, I wouldn't stay the night at their home anymore. Splurge on a hotel. I love my family, but I enjoy them in small doses. It's all much easier to tolerate, knowing that I can leave any time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people must have really crappy furniture, like the velour sectionals with floppy arm covers. Or those burgundy and forest green plaid ones from the 90s. Jump away little precious snowflake, mama and papa can just go to goodwill and pick up another Jennifer's convertible sofa.

Really good furniture is not going to break from a 35 lb 4 yo, maybe you have crappy cheap furniture and it's all you can afford and the idea of having to buy new stuff is emotionally traumatizing... though you sound like you have never had to work for anything in your life.

[Anonymous]

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I think this says everything about the people responding that she had it coming. You're picturing yourself as the BIL and thinking, "well, she must be a little brat for him to have gotten so angry." I grew up with a father with a very short fuse. If you saw him in action, you would think that often his reactions to normal inconveniences were completely out of proportion and at times inappropriate. Please don't assume that every parent's reaction is going to be like yours. This sounds like OP encountered another parent who didn't just have a different parenting style, but who is just not in control of his emotions when dealing with a small child. OP, I think you did the right thing to accept his apology and stay and I might even stay again. But you need to make clear with him and your sister that, while you're fine with them correcting your children when they are misbehaving, you are not fine with them getting physical with them when they are angry.

Blame-the-victim type stuff. Like, 'she must have been out late' or 'she must have been dressed too sexily'

When you equate OP's situation to this, you really trivialize sexual assault. Please stop.

The severities are different, but the basic premise is the same. Immediately going to "she must have done something to deserve it."

Well, except in this case, she did. Don't climb on furniture. And stop with the sexual assault.

I agree. That kind of thinking has to start somewhere and is reinforced. Also, he's an ADULT man!!! Simmer down.

I'm not the PP who equated it with sexual assault and I agree that it in some ways trivializes sexual assault. But you're saying a four year old "made" her uncle uncontrollably angry by climbing on the furniture. It's the same kind of thinking as she "made" him uncontrollably turned on with her skimpy outfit.

I agree. That kind of thinking has to start somewhere and is reinforced. Also, he's an ADULT man!!! Simmer down.

[Anonymous]

I'm cool with family giving my kids grief is they're misbehaving. But I don't want them to touch or be physical with my kids. Of course, without seeing it, it's hard to tell about the leg grabbing. I'm guessing since it was immediately followed by his yelling, it's probably something I would have had a problem with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened to me but I did not run out of the room or pack up.

My brother disciplined my child for standing on something he should not stand on but his way of handling it was heavy handed and my son screamed bloody murder. I didn't move and I let it go on for a little until he turned to me and said "r u going to do something" I asked " you want me to clean up your mess?"

In the meantime, I pulled up a picture of his younger child standing on the counter getting a snack, it was on FB and it said! little man helping himself... So cute.

It's cute when it is yours right, I said as I showed him the picture

My SIL who is awesome said, "got you on that one."

Whatever, kids are not perfect, they climb on shit.

My roommate from college was visiting and her son stood on my coffee table, I knew what he was doing it, like hey look we are in front of a stranger what ya going to do. So I quietly told her, I know you are sweating this one, I am going to pretend to get something from the kitchen, he will be less brave with me gone. that is how you handle it.

Never judge... Provide support.

We need more adults like you. Freaking awesome! Loved each example you listed!

+1 This is amazing and smart. Perspective is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think BIL should have ignored rude little monster child standing on the furniture just like its own mother was ignoring it. Then when rude monster child fell down and cracked skull open, oblivious mom letting it run wild would have had something non-trivial to bitch and moan about.

You're talking about a four year old. If a grown-up lacks impulse control, how can you possible expect a four year old to have a full grasp?