Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child

[Anonymous]

BIL was out of line. There are a million gentle ways to ask a child to get down from a couch. Trying to grab her legs? I would have freaked and I'm amazed at the amount of composure you showed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what BIL did initially was fine. Then you escalated. Then they escalated. Why did you cry?!

OP here. I did not cry. My kids did. What did I do to escalate?

Not PP but you grabbed her and ran out of the room. That would scare my kid.

You should have backed up your SIL and let the differences in your child-rearing go in that moment. You were a guest in her home. She did not deserve to be made to feel that she did something wrong.

I shouldn't have said I ran (I didn't; maybe it doesn't matter) but yes, I picked her up and removed her from the room. She was crying and my BIL was very angry, so it seemed best to remove her from the room. My SIL was not home at the time.

Here's what you should have done: walked over while 4 yo is misbehaving. "Get down! We do not do that on other people's house!" Remove her if necessary.

OP here. Yes, I would have done something like this if I had realized in time what was happening.

[Anonymous]

So
1. Your 4 YO stood on the arm of the couch
2. Was told to get down
3. Did not
4. Was moved from the arm of the couch
5. Broke down crying b/c they were no longer able to stand on the arm of the couch
6. You stepped in to save you child b/c they were crying?

I think your child should have had to dealt with the consequences of not listening.

Do your children always behave this way at their house? It is a house not a playground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're going to get a lot of responses on here in support of the BIL because frankly there are a lot of people on here like him. But in my opinion what he did was totally unacceptable. You don't get physical with someone else's kids. If she was on the couch and he didn't like it, and she didn't get down after he told her, he should have said to you or your DH (who were both right there, right??) "get your kid off the couch, i just told her to get down and she didn't listen"

I would never hit, spank or strike my children or anyone else's. And if anyone ever did that I mine, I would go ballistic. But certainly it is ok to remove a child when they are on furniture and not listening. In fact, I would go so far as to say that others should do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL was out of line. There are a million gentle ways to ask a child to get down from a couch. Trying to grab her legs? I would have freaked and I'm amazed at the amount of composure you showed.

OP here. The other thing is, all he said was "no...NO..." before advancing toward her and grabbing her. It is possible that my 4YO didn't know what he was asking of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL was out of line. There are a million gentle ways to ask a child to get down from a couch. Trying to grab her legs? I would have freaked and I'm amazed at the amount of composure you showed.

OP here. The other thing is, all he said was "no...NO..." before advancing toward her and grabbing her. It is possible that my 4YO didn't know what he was asking of her.

Really? Your FOUR year old didn't understand that she shouldn't be doing that? Really?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So
1. Your 4 YO stood on the arm of the couch
2. Was told to get down
3. Did not
4. Was moved from the arm of the couch
5. Broke down crying b/c they were no longer able to stand on the arm of the couch
6. You stepped in to save you child b/c they were crying?

I think your child should have had to dealt with the consequences of not listening.

Do your children always behave this way at their house? It is a house not a playground.

Oh, come on. She cried because she was scared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL was out of line. There are a million gentle ways to ask a child to get down from a couch. Trying to grab her legs? I would have freaked and I'm amazed at the amount of composure you showed.

OP here. The other thing is, all he said was "no...NO..." before advancing toward her and grabbing her. It is possible that my 4YO didn't know what he was asking of her.

Is your 4YO allowed to climb on furniture at home?

[Anonymous]

Can't people read? Once the BIL got the 4 year old off the arm rest he continued to grab at her. Getting her off the arm rest was ok but continuing to grab her was not. Agree that OP overreacted by running out of the room but sounds like that was an instinctive reaction to what she was seeing (BIL being overly aggressive).

Anyway, since BIL apologized I would drop it and just keep a close eye on the kids next time.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree with you. Children are gentle creatures and should be treated as such. I have 2 kids and expect a certain amount of disorder and chaos and find it strange that someone with a child of their own would get that bent out of shape over a child on a couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:BIL was out of line. There are a million gentle ways to ask a child to get down from a couch. Trying to grab her legs? I would have freaked and I'm amazed at the amount of composure you showed.

OP here. The other thing is, all he said was "no...NO..." before advancing toward her and grabbing her. It is possible that my 4YO didn't know what he was asking of her.

Your child didn't already know that you don't stand on the arm of a chair, and especially not in someone else's house? I have no problem with him gently removing her. That's what I would have done. The grabbing at her legs when she was already down is weird though, and I would have objected to that.

[Anonymous]

Surprised at some of the responses here. Do your 4 year olds really not climb on the furniture? What sort of robot children are you raising?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're going to get a lot of responses on here in support of the BIL because frankly there are a lot of people on here like him. But in my opinion what he did was totally unacceptable. You don't get physical with someone else's kids. If she was on the couch and he didn't like it, and she didn't get down after he told her, he should have said to you or your DH (who were both right there, right??) "get your kid off the couch, i just told her to get down and she didn't listen"

Different families are more or less comfortable "parenting" their siblings' children. I have been scolded by my SIL for telling her children not to do something, while my BIL's family is much more open to that. My SIL would be furious if I tried to physically remove their child from the arm of a couch, while my BIL would be grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I agree with you. Children are gentle creatures and should be treated as such. I have 2 kids and expect a certain amount of disorder and chaos and find it strange that someone with a child of their own would get that bent out of shape over a child on a couch.

Oh Lordy. Children, however gentle you think they are, should not be climbing on someone else's couch. I am pretty relaxed, but it is important to teach kids manners. If you don't, God help you when they are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Surprised at some of the responses here. Do your 4 year olds really not climb on the furniture? What sort of robot children are you raising?

Mine does. And I tell him not to and make him get down. Particuarly at someone else's house. I am not raising an animal.