Seeking opinions on an incident involving another family member disciplining my child

[Anonymous]

These authoritarian posts are WAY over the top. Standing on the arm of a couch is a minor behavior issue in the grand scheme of things, and if you think otherwise then I feel sorry for your children. OP, has this parenting differences issue come up in your relationship with your sister and BIL before? I feel like your response to seeing him trying to grab your daughter's legs, and his response to your and DH's response, is probably set against a backdrop of all your previous experiences with each other. In any event, I would be very hesitant to stay over again and would certainly never leave my kids alone with someone with that kind of anger problem. If that is how he acts to a child that is not his own, how does he react to his own children? Scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These authoritarian posts are WAY over the top. Standing on the arm of a couch is a minor behavior issue in the grand scheme of things, and if you think otherwise then I feel sorry for your children. OP, has this parenting differences issue come up in your relationship with your sister and BIL before? I feel like your response to seeing him trying to grab your daughter's legs, and his response to your and DH's response, is probably set against a backdrop of all your previous experiences with each other. In any event, I would be very hesitant to stay over again and would certainly never leave my kids alone with someone with that kind of anger problem. If that is how he acts to a child that is not his own, how does he react to his own children? Scary.

There are multiple relaxed parents posting that view OPs reaction and her daughter's behavior as both over the top and the cause of the escalation of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow talk about a situation blown out of proportion...you should have calmed her down in a less dramatic way. You contributed to the chaos. Your in laws apologized, move on. Life is too short to hold a grudge over your child misbehaving.

OP here. Where do you see me contributing to the drama? She was crying and scrambling away from my BIL who was angrily grabbing at her legs. I picked her up and took her away without a word to anyone. As a PP said, this kind of did feel like an instinctive response--I saw that she was terrified and my BIL was angry with her and my first reaction was to get her out of that room.

My DH did not stoop to my BIL's level as my BIL screamed in his face. Instead, he calmly got up with my other daughter and joined me upstairs where we sat with our two crying daughters and tried to figure out the best route. And, we stayed for the party.

We let my 3yo climb on our furniture, but not at other people's houses. So, if my son didn't listen when someone told him to get down, I think it's fine and expected that the adult would pick him up and remove him. NBD.

But the way you describe your bil angrily trying to grab at her once she was already down is out of line. Also, yelling loudly and scarily is out of line. I probably would have removed my son if my FIL did such a thing (I can't picture anybody else doing that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone think that just maybe OP and her brood are "the in laws from hell"?

Not sure I'd go this far but I'm willing to bet this was not the first instance of rude behavior. I think the BIL handled the situation wrong and was too aggressive but unless he has anger issues (and if this is the case OP shouldn't have stayed there to begin with) it's likely there were multiple events prior to this.

I agree.

Op, were your kids misbehaving a lot?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These authoritarian posts are WAY over the top. Standing on the arm of a couch is a minor behavior issue in the grand scheme of things, and if you think otherwise then I feel sorry for your children. OP, has this parenting differences issue come up in your relationship with your sister and BIL before? I feel like your response to seeing him trying to grab your daughter's legs, and his response to your and DH's response, is probably set against a backdrop of all your previous experiences with each other. In any event, I would be very hesitant to stay over again and would certainly never leave my kids alone with someone with that kind of anger problem. If that is how he acts to a child that is not his own, how does he react to his own children? Scary.

Standing on the arm of a couch - yes minor offense.

However, blatantly ignoring multiple admonitions from an adult - a big deal. If you can't see how that doesn't make a kid a brat, then you are raising brats.

[Anonymous]

Do we know how the 4 yo got off the arm of the couch? Perhaps she jumped onto the seat cushion, BIL reached to prevent her from falling and she was kicking at him in defiance? When you only see part of the situation you never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're going to get a lot of responses on here in support of the BIL because frankly there are a lot of people on here like him. But in my opinion what he did was totally unacceptable. You don't get physical with someone else's kids. If she was on the couch and he didn't like it, and she didn't get down after he told her, he should have said to you or your DH (who were both right there, right??) "get your kid off the couch, i just told her to get down and she didn't listen"

Didn't read all 17 pages of the thread!

Wanted to respond to this post, though.

I don't know what the danger factor was in this instance. If my child climbed up onto the arm of a sofa, I would be frightened for his safety. I'd pick him up and put him on the floor or on the seat of the sofa. I'd do the same for someone else's kid too. Safety first!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These authoritarian posts are WAY over the top. Standing on the arm of a couch is a minor behavior issue in the grand scheme of things, and if you think otherwise then I feel sorry for your children. OP, has this parenting differences issue come up in your relationship with your sister and BIL before? I feel like your response to seeing him trying to grab your daughter's legs, and his response to your and DH's response, is probably set against a backdrop of all your previous experiences with each other. In any event, I would be very hesitant to stay over again and would certainly never leave my kids alone with someone with that kind of anger problem. If that is how he acts to a child that is not his own, how does he react to his own children? Scary.

Standing on the arm of a couch - yes minor offense.

However, blatantly ignoring multiple admonitions from an adult - a big deal. If you can't see how that doesn't make a kid a brat, then you are raising brats.

My basic rule is to count to 15 after asking a child to do something. A 4 yo can't even move that fast. The dude was screaming in less than 30 seconds.

[Anonymous]

Standing on the arm of the couch? How is that safe? OP, how can you complain when someone keeps your child from falling when you haven't noticed that she's in trouble?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BIL had no business saying "my house my rules". Such behaviour is expected from kids and if I were you I would never go there to stay the night again. Out of line.

No, destroying people's furniture is not expected behavior from kids. Were you raised in a barn?

And the man who owns the house is perfectly entitled to setting his own rules. I really hope you are just a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not being sarcastic at all. I'm honestly surprised people here are so uptight about kids on furniture. I've got bigger fish to fry with mine.

The point is that it's other people's property and you need to teach kids to respect that. Where does your lack of parenting end? Would you allow your kids to draw on someone's walls?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I am seriously amazed by the holier than thou posters who claim a 0 tolerance policy for kids on couches. That is nuts. My kids are allowed on the furniture and I'm not stupid enough to think that makes them rude and undisciplined.

Your kids ARE rude and undisciplined, but OP's kid is worse - blatantly ignoring an instruction.

It is not kids on couches. It is kids standing on couch arm rests. It is dangerous and unruly.
I have 2 boys. I get it. They jump on couches - and I correct them.

But... It's not really dangerous... Was she holding a knife or something.

It is easy to fall Off and hit your head on a coffee table.
Believe me, I've done it. Life threatening? No. But couches are not playgrounds and falling off can hurt.

Or break an arm, like I did when I was playing on the couch when I was 6. Plus, it is just rude. I've had other kids jump on my couch and break it. Couches are expensive.

<----A voice of sanity.`

[Anonymous]

Maybe I don't want my furniture damaged so your child can have a good time hopping on it like they do at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Standing on the arm of the couch? How is that safe? OP, how can you complain when someone keeps your child from falling when you haven't noticed that she's in trouble?

Standing on the arm of a couch isn't unsafe. No more dangerous than going up and down the stairs. My son does it all the time. I'm a pp who said I allow ut.

The problem is that the kid didn't listen when she was told to get down. And also that the bil went a little nuts.

[Anonymous]

You people must have really crappy furniture, like the velour sectionals with floppy arm covers. Or those burgundy and forest green plaid ones from the 90s. Jump away little precious snowflake, mama and papa can just go to goodwill and pick up another Jennifer's convertible sofa.