What is your deepest family secret?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here- maybe I should take the fact I accidentally hit "submit" as a sign I shouldn't be contributing ...

I lost my virginity against my will to a guy I dated a few months prior. I was in college and had way, way, way too much to drink that night. I woke up with him having anal sex with me. I couldn't move my body. I just cried. I honestly don't even remember if I said "no" outloud, or loud enough to be heard. The only person I have told is my husband. Because of this event over ten years ago, I struggle with sex that is ANYTHING but soft and romantic--so I'm not much of a vixen in bed I'm afraid because it makes me feel dirty (I'm working on it though!). I never told my mom or sister (who I tell everything) because blame myself and am so ashamed I didn't fight like hell. That happened at my 19th birthday party.

You did not lose your virginity against your will. You were raped. You were obviously too drunk to give consent. I am so sorry.

second this. what an awful, evil thing he did to you. if you haven't already, please think about going into therapy to heal yourself.

[Anonymous]

My mom was horribly abused as a child. I don't know all the details, but heard stories about having hot water thrown on her and being locked in a trunk by her mother when my mom's stepdad was drinking. I am certain that this man sexually abused her and sometimes wonder if my oldest sister (who my mom had at 16) was a product of the sexual abuse. My mom's mother had my mom when she was 12. My mom managed to have a wonderful life and have a wonderful love with my father, but she is an extremely damaged individual and emotionally inept.

My dad used to hit me with his belt. He would hit me for punishment, then make me watch while he subsequently hit his own knee with the belt, which was terrifying as his face was red and crazy and he would scream at the same time.

For a several year period in my adolescence I experimented heavily with drugs. I was high off weed for about 6 years straight, but also did heroin, acid, coke, and other drugs. I fully recovered and have somewhat prestigious career. I have been very lucky to benefit from wonderful parental figures with my inlaws and mentors from jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 25 year old mentally challenged uncle raped our collie multiple times. Eventually the dog died from constipation and my uncle confessed.

Wow. That really disturbs me.

[Anonymous]

After my mother passed away, my sibling and I found an envelope filled with blank greeting cards. The cards were written in kind of a random note style and all included listed time stamps, car and people descriptions, and were all addressed to my mother and sent from my father's business. I never knew anything about this, although I did hear my mother bad mouth my father after their divorce and suggest she believed he had been away on weekends with other women.
I feel funny writing this, and yet, my heart aches for her that she kept onto that emotionally difficult part of her life. I can't imagine she would have wanted me to find that, but why did she keep that stuff for 10+ years? (I wonder.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After my mother passed away, my sibling and I found an envelope filled with blank greeting cards. The cards were written in kind of a random note style and all included listed time stamps, car and people descriptions, and were all addressed to my mother and sent from my father's business. I never knew anything about this, although I did hear my mother bad mouth my father after their divorce and suggest she believed he had been away on weekends with other women.
I feel funny writing this, and yet, my heart aches for her that she kept onto that emotionally difficult part of her life. I can't imagine she would have wanted me to find that, but why did she keep that stuff for 10+ years? (I wonder.)

I don't understand this at all.

[Anonymous]

Me neither. Please explain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After my mother passed away, my sibling and I found an envelope filled with blank greeting cards. The cards were written in kind of a random note style and all included listed time stamps, car and people descriptions, and were all addressed to my mother and sent from my father's business. I never knew anything about this, although I did hear my mother bad mouth my father after their divorce and suggest she believed he had been away on weekends with other women.
I feel funny writing this, and yet, my heart aches for her that she kept onto that emotionally difficult part of her life. I can't imagine she would have wanted me to find that, but why did she keep that stuff for 10+ years? (I wonder.)

I am this PP.
The cards were written with *ransom note style* writing and listed times and dates of my father's coming and goings from his business, descriptions of the clothes he wore on his way in and out (apparently different clothes after he returned). The cards seemingly came from a colleague of my father who wanted to alert my mother (or perhaps my father?) that his sneaking around wasn't going overlooked.
My mother also talked about phone calls she used to get from women who admitted to having affairs with my father. My dear mother always loved my father and even after he left us, she admitted she would have taken him back. He married one of his mistresses and they've been married over ten years.
my father also stopped calling me and refused to see me for years after my parents' divorce. Something about wanting me to accept his new wife... anyway, he didn't come to my graduations, wedding, etc. Then after my mother died he started calling and we see each other occasionally. I do not forgive him or his wife for how they screwed with my family, but he doesn't talk about those things with me anyway. Kind of- it's in the past, so why talk about it.
Hopefully, I have a few years left of at least one parent more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother was murdered at a crime scene. I was always told she had died in a fire. Dad was 5 at the time, with twin brothers aged 2. My Dad's father was framed for the murder, put in jail, then finally released...he didn't do it. There were anti-semitic overtones to it (my family is Jewish, and they were living in a very small town in Ohio at the time.)
I found out about it on the internet. Asked my dad, he confirmed. He's kept it a secret for 60 years.

Was that Sam Sheppard in Bay Village?

[Anonymous]

My mother was a level 5 hoarder. I grew up in abject filth and squalor. I was always dirty and smelly and other children made fun of me. To this day I do not understand why someone didn't intervene. I am now OCD about cleanliness and order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a level 5 hoarder. I grew up in abject filth and squalor. I was always dirty and smelly and other children made fun of me. To this day I do not understand why someone didn't intervene. I am now OCD about cleanliness and order.

There are levels of hoarding? I'm not trying to be snarky, I have never heard of this.

[Anonymous]

NP here - I googled it and see the hoarding scale here:
http://www.childrenofhoarders.com/pdf/nsgcd_clutterhoardingscale.pdf

[Anonymous]

I'm an escort. My family doesn't know, so maybe it's not a family secret, but just a secret I keep from my family.

[Anonymous]

I think my father sexually abused my little brother. He is now in his early twenties and I don't know what to do about it. I think about it daily. When confronted my mother denies it but then says things like I didn't know how to protect boys. WHen asked, my brother will say I hate the way you treat my family bad and when I respond well I just saw things that didn't look right like dad doing x yz to you, he just says oh. No denial per se but never any confirmation. I am not sure what to do about it because everyone wants to avoid it/ ignore it? I don't think my dad knows I suspect him. He is a very violent man and I am afraid to confront him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My grandmother was murdered at a crime scene. I was always told she had died in a fire. Dad was 5 at the time, with twin brothers aged 2. My Dad's father was framed for the murder, put in jail, then finally released...he didn't do it. There were anti-semitic overtones to it (my family is Jewish, and they were living in a very small town in Ohio at the time.)
I found out about it on the internet. Asked my dad, he confirmed. He's kept it a secret for 60 years.

Was that Sam Sheppard in Bay Village?

The Sheppards had one son, seven at the time of the murder, and were not Jewish.

[Anonymous]

Everyone's had therapy and there are no deep family secrets, but there are some pretty painful parts of our family history, mostly having to do with alcoholism and poverty. My grandfather was a promising young lawyer who became a drunk and brought home assholes from the bar who molested his daughters, sometimes in the same room (without his awareness).

I was saddened by the PP who is lying to her daughter about her paternity. My parents did the same thing, with the same good intentions, and it backfired very, very badly. I found out as a young teenager and it was every bit as catastrophic as you fear, because my parents didn't handle it well. They told me what they wanted me to believe (I'm your real father, I've always been here for you, I love you, he's not a good guy) and then, essentially, shut me down. I had so many questions and felt forbidden to ask. I had been the top student in my class but became an underachiever overnight and was depressed for more than ten years. Amazingly, my parents never seemed to see the connection.

I'm not going to say you have to tell your daughter now, but if you ever even begin to suspect she may know, you get into therapy with her and you gut it out until all of her questions are answered and she trusts you again. Don't fuck around with this - this is a potentially very destructive choice you've made, and you MUST take full responsibility. This may turn out not to be such a big deal for her, but you don't get to decide how she feels or "should" feel.

Children deserve the truth about their origins and it is essential that they know there is no shame in how they came to be. Secrets/taboos = shame.