Making SAHM get job to pay for private school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A marriage is a partnership. It’s family money. She has a right to want private.

She is in her right to want private. She should get a job so she can contribute to that.

She has a job. She takes care of her family.

In the eyes of the law she has no job. So, be quiet.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alimony

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the people calling the OP a jerk are ones who firmly believe private means better education and amazing opportunities. And the people calling the wife entitled and delusional are the ones who still believe in the value of public schools and what they have to offer.

Also being able to afford something does NOT mean one should pay for something they don’t see value in. All you people saying well you can afford it aren’t realizing that maybe OP sees a better use of that money somewhere else like in his investment portfolio.

And I think you are wrong on all counts here except your third sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn’t have to agree with his wife that private school is worth the money. He doesn’t have to do it just because she wants it and he can afford it.

+1

Honestly, OP - if she wants private school so much, she needs to get out, get a job, and earn substantial money toward private school. Such entitlement.

Yeah, jeez, the entitlement of a mother wanting better education for the kids. Poor OP is going to have to work two whole years more!

Again, we have absolutely no idea if it would be better. The fact that you automatically assume it would be better is telling.

the fact that you responded to PP's statement this way is telling. PP just said that the mother *wanting* a better education for her children is not entitlement. PP didn't assert that private schools are better (although I really have a hard time believing that somebody who says that public schools are just as good actually saw what kids were learning during Teams meetings last year).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

The benefits of private to an individual aren't a topic limited to theoretical discourse. There are stats on this. There are actual anecdotes from parents who switched from public to private. You make a lot of money, you're probably decently smart, you can go look at this research and figure it out without relying on the biases you have in your head against private school and against your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the people calling the OP a jerk are ones who firmly believe private means better education and amazing opportunities. And the people calling the wife entitled and delusional are the ones who still believe in the value of public schools and what they have to offer.

Also being able to afford something does NOT mean one should pay for something they don’t see value in. All you people saying well you can afford it aren’t realizing that maybe OP sees a better use of that money somewhere else like in his investment portfolio.

And I think you are wrong on all counts here except your third sentence.

I disagree. I am adding my kids to public school and I am a female breadwinner with a working husband. I think it’s gross the way OP is describing his wife, her education, and her opinions. He doesn’t see her as a partner or see his earning as a family income. It’s all about him and how he would have to work an extra 3 years. That reeks of a guy who thinks he is doing his wife a favor by changing a diaper or says he is “babysitting” when he is alone with the kids.

My reason they should do private is that I am guessing their social circles and children’s budding friendships are based on people who send their kids to private school. If half to most of their friends do public and they have local neighborhoods in public school, then I’ll change my tune. I think OP is a bit short sighted for someone who makes $500k. I would think the right private would provide networking opportunities that would defray the cost of school tuition.

[Anonymous]

My husband, who went to cheap public schools all the way through, makes way over 500K, and I'm a SAHM, and he cares enough about his kids that if he got the slightest inkling that the kids would truly benefit from private school, he would do it. In fact he has already brought it up and I am the one who doesn't want to spend the money because I don't want DH to have to work more (but I would do it if DH wanted to or if I really thought the kids needed it).

And I love this, even though we will probably never do it (I can homeschool) because it shows that he is in tune enough with our kids and cares enough about them to put his money where his mouth is. He won't work hard for a boat or a fancy house but he will work hard for his kids. And that means so much to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must have some budget assumptions upon which you are saying that to afford $60K/yr of tuition you need a HHI of $700K. Do you and your DW agree on your annual budget? Or does your DW think that there's somewhere in your current spending that you can cut back?

There are plenty of people who pay for private school and college with a HHI of $500K, so it's not a matter literally not having enough money...it's a matter of priorities. You and your DW probably aren't aligned on other areas of spending either...and that's what you need to address instead of jumping to, "You need to find a job in order to educate our kids the way you think makes sense."

Also, you should try to understand her reasons for wanting private over public. They might be good ones. Your personal experience doesn't apply, even if you live in the same school district you grew up in since kids are different and schools change.

FWIW, I went to private growing up and DH went to only publics. When we were first thinking about schools, he had the attitude that "public was good enough for me, so it's fine". We both did a lot of research, and we ended up exploring both publics and privates. Our kids ended up in public for now, but we may reconsider. Importantly, though, we are having discussions about these things on the merits of the decisions for our kids...not on just wanting our kids to have the same experiences we did.

That’s not what OP is saying.

Agree, but OP's math also doesn't add up. $30k * 2 kids * 7 years each = $420k total. That's not "several extra years of work" with a $500k/year salary.

First, you think that tuition won't go up? That's so sweet.

Second, OP's point is that he with the money he is spending on tuition, he could retire several years earlier. There's no disputing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must have some budget assumptions upon which you are saying that to afford $60K/yr of tuition you need a HHI of $700K. Do you and your DW agree on your annual budget? Or does your DW think that there's somewhere in your current spending that you can cut back?

There are plenty of people who pay for private school and college with a HHI of $500K, so it's not a matter literally not having enough money...it's a matter of priorities. You and your DW probably aren't aligned on other areas of spending either...and that's what you need to address instead of jumping to, "You need to find a job in order to educate our kids the way you think makes sense."

Also, you should try to understand her reasons for wanting private over public. They might be good ones. Your personal experience doesn't apply, even if you live in the same school district you grew up in since kids are different and schools change.

FWIW, I went to private growing up and DH went to only publics. When we were first thinking about schools, he had the attitude that "public was good enough for me, so it's fine". We both did a lot of research, and we ended up exploring both publics and privates. Our kids ended up in public for now, but we may reconsider. Importantly, though, we are having discussions about these things on the merits of the decisions for our kids...not on just wanting our kids to have the same experiences we did.

That’s not what OP is saying.

Either way...there's a fundamental disagreement between them about how they should spend money. OP also seems to have an implicit preference for retiring early. Is the DW on board with these things? Or is the OP simply unwilling to spend this money and even to hear why his DW thinks it's important?

Is DW, a SAHM, on board with the sole breadwinner retiring early? He should continue to work to keep her in the manner to which she has become accustomed? GMAFB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A marriage is a partnership. It’s family money. She has a right to want private.

She is in her right to want private. She should get a job so she can contribute to that.

She has a job. She takes care of her family.

In the eyes of the law she has no job. So, be quiet.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alimony

The delusion is real with a lot of women. It’s becoming clearer and clearer. The majority of women do not get alimony and alimony does not last forever. A lot of women do not want to be responsible for their lives, fate, and destiny.

This thread is eye opening and a case study. I hope both men and women are paying attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must have some budget assumptions upon which you are saying that to afford $60K/yr of tuition you need a HHI of $700K. Do you and your DW agree on your annual budget? Or does your DW think that there's somewhere in your current spending that you can cut back?

There are plenty of people who pay for private school and college with a HHI of $500K, so it's not a matter literally not having enough money...it's a matter of priorities. You and your DW probably aren't aligned on other areas of spending either...and that's what you need to address instead of jumping to, "You need to find a job in order to educate our kids the way you think makes sense."

Also, you should try to understand her reasons for wanting private over public. They might be good ones. Your personal experience doesn't apply, even if you live in the same school district you grew up in since kids are different and schools change.

FWIW, I went to private growing up and DH went to only publics. When we were first thinking about schools, he had the attitude that "public was good enough for me, so it's fine". We both did a lot of research, and we ended up exploring both publics and privates. Our kids ended up in public for now, but we may reconsider. Importantly, though, we are having discussions about these things on the merits of the decisions for our kids...not on just wanting our kids to have the same experiences we did.

That’s not what OP is saying.

Agree, but OP's math also doesn't add up. $30k * 2 kids * 7 years each = $420k total. That's not "several extra years of work" with a $500k/year salary.

First, you think that tuition won't go up? That's so sweet.

Second, OP's point is that he with the money he is spending on tuition, he could retire several years earlier. There's no disputing that.

I'll preface this by saying I'm mostly in agreement with OP.

I haven't read every single post here, but has it been suggested that retirement wouildn't necessarly be delayed by several years if OP instilled a small percentage more frugality into his retirement budget?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the people calling the OP a jerk are ones who firmly believe private means better education and amazing opportunities. And the people calling the wife entitled and delusional are the ones who still believe in the value of public schools and what they have to offer.

Also being able to afford something does NOT mean one should pay for something they don’t see value in. All you people saying well you can afford it aren’t realizing that maybe OP sees a better use of that money somewhere else like in his investment portfolio.

And I think you are wrong on all counts here except your third sentence.

I disagree. I am adding my kids to public school and I am a female breadwinner with a working husband. I think it’s gross the way OP is describing his wife, her education, and her opinions. He doesn’t see her as a partner or see his earning as a family income. It’s all about him and how he would have to work an extra 3 years. That reeks of a guy who thinks he is doing his wife a favor by changing a diaper or says he is “babysitting” when he is alone with the kids.

My reason they should do private is that I am guessing their social circles and children’s budding friendships are based on people who send their kids to private school. If half to most of their friends do public and they have local neighborhoods in public school, then I’ll change my tune. I think OP is a bit short sighted for someone who makes $500k. I would think the right private would provide networking opportunities that would defray the cost of school tuition.

This is a dumb reason!! Omggg this thread is filled with stupidity.

[Anonymous]

OP, I wouldn't make this argument about money-- it's really not. It's about whether you believe that your DW makes enough of a contribution now and whether you believe that a private education is worth a small hit to your retirement and financial plans.

You also need to consider what you will give up if your DW returns to work-- I'm a SAHM and my DH is a VP at a large company. He works 10+ hours a day, is expected to respond to emails and phone calls after work, and often travels with very little notice. By the weekend, he's tired and happy to watch tv, sleep in, do errands/small house projects. He also works a lot on the weekends.

No way would he have time to be taking our kids to doctor's appointments, organizing homework, breakfast, dinner, grocery shopping, dealing with contractors, endlessly cleaning the kitchen...and on and on. He can do what he does because I do what I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think it is a little ridiculous to both not work and insist on private school.

Agree. I’m a SAHM and private school would be a non-starter with my husband. He doesn’t quite make $500/k but it wouldn’t matter to him if he did. He is focused on college and retirement savings and generational wealth building. Private secondary school is just a badge like a luxury car or country club (we don’t those either.)

This kind of thinking is why you will never generate true generational wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think it is a little ridiculous to both not work and insist on private school.

Agree. I’m a SAHM and private school would be a non-starter with my husband. He doesn’t quite make $500/k but it wouldn’t matter to him if he did. He is focused on college and retirement savings and generational wealth building. Private secondary school is just a badge like a luxury car or country club (we don’t those either.)

This kind of thinking is why you will never generate true generational wealth.

This isn’t true as well.

A lot of people don’t know or understand what generational wealth is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think it is a little ridiculous to both not work and insist on private school.

Agree. I’m a SAHM and private school would be a non-starter with my husband. He doesn’t quite make $500/k but it wouldn’t matter to him if he did. He is focused on college and retirement savings and generational wealth building. Private secondary school is just a badge like a luxury car or country club (we don’t those either.)

This kind of thinking is why you will never generate true generational wealth.

This isn’t true as well.

A lot of people don’t know or understand what generational wealth is.

A lot of people also don’t understand the difference between generational wealth and generational assets. Sure, buy a few rental properties and pass them down to your kids. But that’s not real generational wealth.