Reply to How would you handle a 15 yo talking about getting a matching tattoo with a friend who is dying

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Reply to "How would you handle a 15 yo talking about getting a matching tattoo with a friend who is dying"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Not a chance.

The harsh reality is that the daughter will hopefully live a long life and, while she will undoubtedly be impacted by the loss of her friend, that loss doesn't have to stare back at her in the mirror every day.  Or be revisited every time a stranger asks about her tattoo.  Or be ever-present because of a token gesture given at the peak of her grief.

To all those who think this is uncaring, how many of you have memorial tattoos of those you've lost?  Your friends, your parents, etc?  Exceptionally few, I imagine.  Why?  Because there are myriad other ways to memorialize loved ones.  Saying no to a tattoo doesn't mean you don't care.  It just means it's not the way in which you want to remember this person.[/quote]

I don't have a memorial tattoo myself since no one in this position ever asked me to get a memorial tattoo with them. I guess what I would say is that I don't think that the parent who says "not a chance" to this request is an uncaring person or an uncaring parent, since most of the no answers are motivated by concern for the surviving child and her mental health. I do think that denying the request on the grounds that it might be upsetting later is a bit reductive and will definitely be perceived by the teens as uncaring. Teens are not adults, but they are also not small children who are incapable of critical thinking and planning. These particular kids are also going through an unimaginably sad thing together, and that tends to instill some sad maturity all on its own. I do not think it's fair to imply that the surviving friend is going to change her mind about this decision in the immediate future. My bigger concern about denying the request is that this is likely to be a very difficult time for OP's daughter, and denying the request would create conflict between mom and daughter at the worst time over something that, to me, just isn't worth that kind of rupture. Tattoos can be removed. It's only as permanent as dyeing your hair, realistically, and in the OP's position, I would choose to support the friendship and support my daughter, even recognizing that she may regret getting the tattoo later. I would feel that my responsibility would be to help her process the loss that is happening now rather than make decisions based on potential regrets or questions later. [/quote]

PP here.  Thanks for the thoughtful reply.  Two thoughts.

1) Saying no to the tattoo doesn't preclude any other means of bonding in the girl's final days.  There are many other ways the girls can create meaningful moments and experiences and bonds that extend beyond a tattoo.

2) As others have said, removing a tattoo is not a trivial thing financially or physically.  But, more importantly, there would be tremendous emotional weight associated with removing a tattoo like this.  Hell, I feel guilty removing my dead grandmother from my favorites on my cell phone.  I can't imagine what it would take for somebody to remove a tattoo like this even if they no longer wanted it.[/quote]

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